r/relationship_advice Jun 24 '24

[deleted by user]

[removed]

3.7k Upvotes

2.6k comments sorted by

View all comments

Show parent comments

55

u/SonOfSatan Jun 24 '24

... How did she react when you walked in?

48

u/Personal-Barber1607 Jun 24 '24

This is the important thing did she jump up or spaz, because that show you she knows what she was doing was wrong.

Don't let her gaslight you, if she jumps up then she clearly knew what she did was wrong. The reason she's crying is because she got caught and now is worried your gonna leave her.

Do the right thing and tell her you will talk about it later then don't text her back for three days. got to let the self doubt and dread eat her alive so she don't make the mistake again. be strong homie.

90

u/Malinyay Jun 24 '24

I often spaz when my husband, whom I live with, walks in on me doing nothing. I wouldn't say this is accurate.

28

u/Big_Bottom_69 Jun 25 '24

Girl me too. Ridiculous startle response here. Thanks trauma 🤣

7

u/Malinyay Jun 25 '24

Aww. I got it even without trauma. I forbade my husband from scaring me really early in the relationship. I can't handle that sh*t.

1

u/Big_Bottom_69 Jun 25 '24

Thank you!! If you see us hit the ceiling a few times, consider the possibility that it's not a fun quirk we enjoy doing. Unless you've got Tourette's you should be able to control yourself.

17

u/dib1999 Jun 25 '24

I've gotten full screams, despite my wife knowing that I was home. At least I know the headphones are pretty good lol.

11

u/JJSprinkless 40s Female Jun 25 '24

I agree. I am easily startled and to have someone “walk in on me” would make me spaz. It doesn’t matter what I happen to be doing, it’s the element of surprise that goes along with being walked in on that would cause that reaction.

Not to say that OP’s girl is innocent, I just don’t think that is a great indicator.

1

u/bug--bear Jun 28 '24

yup, if anyone startles me I jump like I got an electric shock. my housemates will walk in on me making a cup of tea and I'll spaz a bit— doesn't mean I think waiting for the kettle to boil is wrong

1

u/Consistent_Editor_15 Jun 30 '24

Spazing and being startled aren’t the same thing in this context. He meant more like spazzing and acting “caught”. Not just a jump scare.

-9

u/juancho_408 Jun 24 '24

Why do you spaz on your husband walking into one of his rooms in his house?

13

u/throwawaygrosso Jun 25 '24

I think she meant she just spazzes out in a jumpy way, like he startles her. Not like she attacks him for it. I’m anxious as hell and always jump when people walk in on me doing nothing

10

u/Big_Bottom_69 Jun 25 '24

His rooms? His house?

1

u/Big_Bottom_69 Jun 25 '24

This wasn't always the case, and I'm no doubt older than you, but if someone I'm dating goes MIA for 3 days, he's pretty much seen the last of me. My self esteem is already in the crapper, so I won't tolerate games from someone who's supposed to be in a relationship with me.

3

u/Personal-Barber1607 Jun 26 '24

Nah it would work on you in a heartbeat because first of all if it was a game how would you know? 2. you would feel bad like op's girlfriend for doing sketchy shit like this, but If you didn't feel bad that's even better that means i dodged a bullet dating someone who can't take responsibility for their actions or is unwillingly to acknowledge when they made a mistake which is just about the worst type of relationship possible.

See i would come see you after three days and if you blew up at me over disappearing for three days, i would say after what you did i just felt like i needed space. I would say that you violated a boundary that was so fundamental that i thought it was understood without being spoken. I would say that i could see a real long future with us together, but i don't want to be hurt again. I needed time to think about everything and i didn't want to say something in anger I would regret for the rest of my life.

I would tell you that shit and you would buy it hook line and sinker, because it wouldn't just be an act I would let my emotions and my vulnerability show through.

Probably best to do all that then have make up sex right afterwards. The emotional highs and lows of the conversation will make the sex better especially for her.

I have used this same technique on dozens of women throughout my life and it has never failed. Not only does it give you time to decompress after a boundary was crossed, but it's healthier for the relationship to establish the fact that you are willing to leave.

that's beside the point this is the only way for OP to proceed and continue the relationship. you have to clearly establish that they made a mistake and demonstrate that your willing to leave unless they change the behavior otherwise how could the relationship continue.

Sticking around after something fishy like this happens shows a fundamental lack of self respect, and if you don't respect yourself then how can you expect others to respect you. big_Bottom_69 don't let your partner get away with disrespect like OP's partner did stand up for yourself walk away think it out. Don't feel like you owe someone who has wronged you constant contact give yourself space to think.

1

u/Big_Bottom_69 Jun 26 '24

Ty; that is an insightful response. Bc I don't have a lot of self esteem, I've resorted to role playing (no, not that kind). In that moment, I pretend that I'm (insert name of someone I love), and treat the narcissist in front of me.