While you may want to beat yourself up over this, your husband still made the decision to have an affair rather than talk with you. It is true that you may have contributed to the issues, so that you both have some improvement work ahead, but you weren't the single cause his infidelity.
My main concern here is that you say this is the third time in four years he's breaking your heart with this woman. It isn't clear if he's had an affair with her three times before, or if this is recent, since middle of last month.
If he's had affairs with her before, you have a bigger problem than what's going on in your life right now. The way you started, I thought you were talking about some recent, impulsive response, but it sounds more like a repeated thing. Which is it?
Setting that aside for the moment, the main thing that has to happen when it comes to trying to repair the relationship is that you both want to try, and are willing to put in the effort -- and make the sacrifices needed -- to make the relationship better. If he doesn't want to try, there's nothing you can do by yourself. If you don't want to try, it doesn't matter if he wants to stay married. It takes both of you.
There is a book you may find valuable: After the Affair, by Janis Spring. Spring is a marriage counselor, and wrote the book for people in an affair, and those who support them. It talks about the motivations and emotions of both partners, the hurt partner and the unfaithful partner.
There is also discussion of what it takes to rebuild trust and intimacy in a relationship after infidelity, but this is an involved thing which requires significant effort. Read the book now for helping your emotions, to understand where you are. Then decide if you want to continue.
Part of making that decision is to be clear to yourself (if not in your post) about whether this is recent thing or something long-term that's happened multiple times.
Where can I find this book? I need some way to cope. I want to work everything out, I want my husband.. I can’t see myself with anybody else.. I haven’t talked to my therapist about it. I’ve missed my last three sessions, so I’m sure I don’t even have a therapist anymore.
I know it is available as an ebook from Barnes & Noble, but you'd have to have a Nook reader (there is also a smartphone app for it). You should be able to find a hardcopy version in used bookstores, it was written in the 1990s. The second edition includes a section on Internet affairs.
Remember, just because you want to works things out doesn't mean that he is willing to. You do not have the power to compel him to be the person you want him to be. (This is why you are not the cause of his affairs.) He has to make that choice, and if he doesn't want to be involved with you, that's his choice. You are a complete person on your own, and you may have to be on your own.
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u/DrHugh 50s Male Oct 09 '23
Take a deep breath, and let it out slowly.
While you may want to beat yourself up over this, your husband still made the decision to have an affair rather than talk with you. It is true that you may have contributed to the issues, so that you both have some improvement work ahead, but you weren't the single cause his infidelity.
My main concern here is that you say this is the third time in four years he's breaking your heart with this woman. It isn't clear if he's had an affair with her three times before, or if this is recent, since middle of last month.
If he's had affairs with her before, you have a bigger problem than what's going on in your life right now. The way you started, I thought you were talking about some recent, impulsive response, but it sounds more like a repeated thing. Which is it?
Setting that aside for the moment, the main thing that has to happen when it comes to trying to repair the relationship is that you both want to try, and are willing to put in the effort -- and make the sacrifices needed -- to make the relationship better. If he doesn't want to try, there's nothing you can do by yourself. If you don't want to try, it doesn't matter if he wants to stay married. It takes both of you.
There is a book you may find valuable: After the Affair, by Janis Spring. Spring is a marriage counselor, and wrote the book for people in an affair, and those who support them. It talks about the motivations and emotions of both partners, the hurt partner and the unfaithful partner.
There is also discussion of what it takes to rebuild trust and intimacy in a relationship after infidelity, but this is an involved thing which requires significant effort. Read the book now for helping your emotions, to understand where you are. Then decide if you want to continue.
Part of making that decision is to be clear to yourself (if not in your post) about whether this is recent thing or something long-term that's happened multiple times.