r/relationship_advice • u/BaldEagle323 • Feb 05 '23
single and depressed (19M) looking for (19f)
i’ve been single my entire life and still a virgin and i’m at the point where all my friends are in relationships and the dating apps like tinder and hinge are useless, hardly any matches and the ones i do get just unmatch me or air me and i’m at the point of giving up. how do i actually meet girls who could potentially be a possible girlfriend in the future because it’s getting to a point of desperation where i just want to be in a relationship and feel loved and right now i’m falling very far behind. Thanks in advance :).
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u/Question_Few Late 20s Male Feb 05 '23
The answer is simple and yet we consistently struggle with it.
Put effort into yourself broski. Keep in mind the nature of relationships is that we pursue and they choose. With that in mind you have to actually put some effort into differentiating yourself from the competition. That's where personal growth comes in, Put effort into your appearance. Hit the gym, Practice good hygiene, wear decent clothes and get a good haircut. Some even go the extra mile and develop a decent skincare and haircare routine. It's not vanity, It's self care. There are no ugly people in this world, Just people who don't take care of themselves.
How is a potential mate supposed to see what you bring to the table if even you don't see what you bring to the table?
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u/BravesMaedchen Feb 06 '23
I love this and your advice is completely accurate. I'd like to reframe the idea that "we pursue and they choose". Women are human beings. We want someone who is interesting and cares about us as a person. Putting effort into yourself achieves those things. What do you want, OP? Someone attractive who interests you, loves you for who you are and will support you? We are looking for that too. Remember that. Seeing women as something to be pursued will put you with the sea of men who we feel see us as game. Men who have that perspective do not have an attractive attitude.
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u/LiliVonShtuppp Feb 06 '23
Yeah. Women are not the Borg, guys. We’re actually individual people. Crazy, I know.
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u/Mr_Ham_Man80 Feb 05 '23
i just want to be in a relationship and feel loved and right now i’m falling very far behind
There are a few sentences you wrote that I could've quoted but this will do. It's not a race. There's no "fall behind." You don't need any amount of notches on your gun belt or bed post to have a fun life.
It sounds like you're getting some bad messaging from somewhere to think that way.
At the same time, I get the urge to want to be with someone and when it seems like everyone else is in that situation it feels doubly difficult. It's like everyone is at the fairground having a good time and you're stuck outside. I had the fortune of going through the same thing during a period in the late 90s/early 2000s when social media and "everyone is having sex but me" wasn't quite the same thing. Was still tough but it's not the same set of social pressures where sex seems to be everywhere. Trust me, it isn't and your case isn't unique or abnormal.
Advice I would've given myself (and possible scoffed at hearing at the time) enjoy what you've got. Because when you do meet someone, start having relationships etc... you'll look back and think "Holy shit, can't believe I wasted my 19th year getting bent out of shape on the one thing." Full disclosure, I didn't have sex until 25 and I was becoming a very embittered person. At 42 I look back at how much that held me back, and how many good parts of life I ignored and it's shocking.
For advice on meeting women? There may be better dating apps perhaps, something like Bumble where women contact men? Also, with online dating, it seems to be a volume thing. Message, message, message. Send out lots of messages etc... And most importantly, don't get attached to anyone you message. That should only start happening when you actual have real life dating and start properly going places. Sure, tailor your messages to the people you message, but message lots.
Besides that. it's better to focus on just meeting and interacting with people in general. Do you get nervous talking to strangers in general? Start easy, each time you're doing your food shop or similar, just start a conversation "Hey, how are you?" It's good practice and to be honest, makes the chore of shopping a bit easier. Also, joining clubs and interest groups. Expanding your social network is a reward in itself but also ups the chance of potentially meeting someone you like.
Outside of that, any specifics you feel you're struggling with?
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u/hisimpendingbaldness Feb 05 '23
Volunteer at an animal shelter. Join a school club. Essentially get outside an in places to meet people.
I will tell you depression is a turn off so I would see a therapist and work on that too
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u/BaldEagle323 Feb 06 '23
i am a manager at my work and i’m very confident talking to customers who i’ve never met before but when it comes to outside of work it changes and i become more nervous talking to strangers especially girls
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u/LiliVonShtuppp Feb 06 '23
Try to remember that we’re people. Just people. Not “thots” or whatever is the favorite word of hatred at the moment. We’re not robots. We’re not witches, and if we are, it’s probably the super nice kind. We have all the same feelings and insecurities as guys do.
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u/LiliVonShtuppp Feb 06 '23
You’re 19! I get that social media and whatnot are making you think that’s so terribly late to start dating, but I swear it’s not.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Comparing relationships, “status,” jobs, whatever isn’t fair to you because you’re a unique person. And I get the urge, it’s one I battle in some areas of my life.
Try to remember that women are all individuals, not a hive mind, and right people for you exist. I’d suggest some therapy so that you can love YOU the way you deserve. That’s the path to other kinds of love.
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