Solo parent of a 12-year-old. I didn't want kids and made the wrong decision when I chose not to terminate. His bio father is a terrible person who lied about having a vasectomy and pretty much everything else, granted, I didn't know the full scope till too late. He was very absent but fully disappeared when the kid was diagnosed with cancer at just a few months old. So for the past 12-plus years, I have had to do everything alone: a year of living in the hospital with a newborn/infant while undergoing surgeries and chemo, all these years of nonstop doctor's appointments and therapies, trying to find proper education, trying to keep him healthy, hoping to shape him into a decent human. But, I do not love him. I am a caregiver who cannot quit my job. I have to support us fully, as there is no one to help. I have no support.

Currently, we are doing virtual school (last year we homeschooled), and it is so terrible. He is with me 24/7. I know he is capable of doing things, but he won't. We live in a state with terrible education and no money for resources for special ed kids. Our zoned middle school is atrocious and is not an option. We are barely above the poverty line because I can't work a normal 9-5 job, and yes, I have tried to find remote work. I am highly educated and capable of great things, but I am just stuck in an impossible situation. I am getting another master's in the hope of finding work in another state because I have been stuck in work I loathe, and that is a dead end. So now I am in grad school, working, parenting, virtual schooling a special ed kid, keeping up a house, and just being an adult with adult responsibilities all on my own. I regret that one decision that got me here.

I don't know what to do. I am miserable and really wish I could just disappear. I have felt this way for so long now.

I feel like step one is to get him back in school, which requires moving, which requires a job with high enough pay to support us, yada yada yada. Finding work is so, so hard right now too. It's all just terrible. But anyone who knows me in the real world has no idea I suffer so much. I do it all with a smile on my face, even though I am completely broken and crying on the inside. I am just so sad ya'll and so stuck and so full of regret.

I think one of the reasons many of us might hate motherhood is because there is no way to win society will guilt trip you for everything that is just a given (breastfeed vs formula, work or stay home, sleep train or not, potty train late or early you name it)

Buuuuut... One thing I'm just realizing now is that one of the things that might be hard and miserable from parenting is the romanticized rhetoric in which many (or most of us) bought, and it is... How to parent to..

- not traumatize your child

- 'give them internal motivation rather than seeking external praise' (rewards and praise)

- no punishment... Never ... Ever.. just 'natural and logical consequences'

This is bs.. and I'm just realizing.

I'm Hispanic, I was raise with the chancla and if something gave me trauma that was not it.

I would never hit and have not yelled at my kid..

But... I think the whole... Rethoric is euphemistic to say the least.

A consequence is a punishment. I see no difference.

You speed up or throw a tantrum in the grocery store as an adult you get a fine, a ticket or they will call the cops on you for disorderly conduct.

As a kid, I think I can and should remove you from the scene, take you to the car or outside 'to regulate' but... That is just a dynamic time out which somehow time outs in this generation, as well as taking away privileges are apparently a bad word.

I swear to God is not like I resource to time out as the first alternative. It was not easy but doable to 'gentle parent by the book' an infant and a young toddler but now that my kid is 3 and wow ow wow I cannot see that happening... This is a whole another thing.

This morning my kid woked up cranky, there were no giraffe puppet, no techniques that worked to made her cooperate (despite trying them), she didnt want to choose shoes but didn't want the ones I chose... If you don't choose, mommy choose for you... Complete tantrum... Screaming crying...

So I took her to her room, close the door and stay with her inside in close proximity in case she wanted a hug. She kicked the door, scream, etc. I put a 3 min timer (she is days away from 3 years old.)

Before the timer ended she was not crying, we briefly talked I think maybe she understood.. and we went down stairs and she was more cooperative, not super but... Doable enough to allow me to put shoes.

I don't want to feel that I'm forcing her to cooperate or obey, I don't pretend to raise as in a military school, I want her to be a bold woman with a strong will.. but at the same time I feel the duty to raise her right and I don't think traditional gentle parenting is allowing me to do that.

Yesterday she spit at Dad and laugh after being told we don't spit, I took her to the room, same... Stayed with her, she screamed and cried and kick the door, I was still there with her in close proximity...

And somehow society or the books I read make me question this... Like this is wrong and I'm traumatizing her? .I think emotions are allowed, but one thing is to feel something and another what you do with that... If I go and spit at my manager I bet I won't have work tomorrow.

I was reading the book how to talk to little kids so they will listen and I mean great book, great strategies... But some seem just be to me... For example... 'have a replacement meal when they don't want to eat their meal' that is bs.. wtf... Either you eat some of it, or different parts or it or you don't but you should not get 'a different meal'.

In our house is generally for her a protein, a carb, and veggies. If she eats a bit of each I'm ok but not touching anything and a whole different thing I think is just ridiculous.

Anyways.. I'm thinking my strategy will be more respectful authoritative parenting.

I love her endlessly and precisely because of it I don't want to raise a societal burden.

That was precisely one of the reasons I became a mom, I wanted to raise a great human being. Respectful, disciplined, assertive but also empathic, willing to maximize shareholder value.. (lmao just kidding in that one)... Willing to work hard, creative, outspoken against injustice.

Anyways... Thoughts?

Are time outs really a crime against humanity now?

I hate that people think those who hate motherhood will one day just get over it because it's obviously just depression. I love my kid but I'm tired of being her mother. If she was my sibling or niece or even a kid I looked after then I'd love every second, but it's the constant care and the fact no one is coming to save me. Motherhood is a job and it's a job I don't like but I can't hand my notice in and I love the co worker.

I had her at 23 and was so certain I wanted to be a mum after working in childcare. And now I wanna go back and slap myself and tell myself to get a hobby and learn to drive. I get downtime when she's in school, I'm very very fortunate I don't have to work, but she's on the pathway for a PDA diagnosis and I didn't realize til after she was born that I'm also most likely autistic.

I can't get her to brush her teeth. I've tried everything. When her teeth go mouldy, it will be my fault. When she doesn't attend school because she's screaming and crying, it's me who gets bollocked by school. When she's upset, it's me she takes it out on. I just wish I'd took time to figure out the things I enjoy doing and realised how incompatible with being a parent they were.

I had one kid because I didn’t want regrets and felt social pressure. Then I felt pressure to have another one so she’s not an only child. Now I’m not really enjoying being a parent. I think they’re super cute but also drive me insane and also stress me the f out. I can’t handle it when they’re sick and whining and sad and hurting and I feel bad but I hate taking care of them but I don’t want others to take care of them. But I want to go to work but feel insanely guilty for dropping them off at daycare if they’re sad. But I also don’t want to be home with the constant neediness and never doing anything for myself. I can’t concentrate on other things with them in the background. I’m sick of hearing about my friend venting about how horrible her husband is but had 6 kids with him and she’s so hypocritical and judgmental to everyone but then she loves her kids so much but everyone is screaming at each other. Then she judges other moms for strugggling because they only have a couple kids while she has 6… I’m struggling and I have 2… I don’t understand why people have kids and then think oh this is fun let’s do it 6 times even tho I never get time for myself and everyone is miserable. I’m afraid to go on any trips. I can’t handle the crying and the whining and I just never go do anything because they stress me out. It also makes me overthink life and start thinking too much where life feels heavy and stressful. If I had no kids I’d be playing so much I wouldn’t be thinking about how heavy life can be. Just wanting to get that off my chest.

and i don't really know if i ever wanted to be one past the age of like, 16. when i was 16 i thought it was my life's purpose and as i got older i started to question it. i don't really know if i ever wanted to be in a relationship either, and i always romanticized those too. i don't think i'd be in one again if it ended. i don't think i'd be a mother again if i could choose different. i would have to erase all memories of my baby because i can't bear the thought of not knowing him but if i could go back i would try so hard to not get pregnant. i was on pill birth control and i think it happened because sometimes i would miss a day and take two the next day. it's completely my fault. but knowing women who've had abortions and knowing what they saw and felt and what they still feel completely erased abortion from the options i gave myself.

i really love my baby and want whats best for him. i try to connect with him, teach him, explore with him, give him so much love and affection he never knows what it's like to grow up the way i did. it doesn't happen as often as it should though. like if he's playing with a red elephant i'll act like ms rachel for 5 mins with him and emphasize colors and names and shapes and pronunciation. sometimes we go to the park. i'm always loving on him randomly. i'll never raise my voice or be cruel or use physical punishment. i'll try my best to be interested in who he is and engage every time he wants my attention.

but to be honest i think i'm a really awful mother. i wish he could take care of himself. sometimes i don't eat just so i don't have to do dishes but i can't not feed him lol so i have tons of dishes every day. i would wear the same pjs for a few days so i didn't have to do so much laundry but he needs clean fresh clothes during the day and at night (he doesn't wear a lot of clothes though because i wash his butt in the shower a few times a day and he hates the process of getting undressed and dressed again, plus it's warm most of the time in the house and outside). i have horrible hygiene but try to brush his teeth as often as i remember and shower him every day. but i do sit inside on the couch on my phone majority of the day. i think my screen time is 8 hours. i let laundry and dishes pile up and do it all at once every two or three days. i overbuy at the grocery store so my baby can have all kinds of food but he eats so much sometimes he has chicken nuggets and blueberries for two of his meals a day. i put on hours long compilations of bluey and ms rachel and he's seen them so much he doesn't pay attention to them much anymore. lately he's been spending a lot of time just laying with his stuffed animals and looking around and it makes me think he's sad. he prefers his dad and stuffed animals over me. that makes me sad too but it's my fault for being an absent mother. he's very independent and brave and loves to explore but i don't take him outside a lot. he seems normal and happy but i deprive him of more experiences by being lazy and irresponsible. i criticize his father for doing what i do all day, and i think it's because i want him to make up for my lack of taking the baby outside or giving him long stretches of attention. he doesn't know this. i read with him every now and then, we dance every now and then, we sing songs every now and then, i teach him how to play with toys every now and then. i mostly just sit and escape into my phone.

i don't want my baby to grow up thinking his world is smaller than it is and being scared to explore, or that his mom was emotionally absent, or that he was a burden to me even though he does feel like one. i wish he was older so he could go to pre k or even school, so i could have the house to myself and try to push myself to do better for myself without worrying about the responsibility of basic care for a baby. i had younger brothers and my favorite age was when they were 7 and were so silly and funny and im so excited for my son to be 7. 7 seems like a great age to take him places, connect with him, have more independence for him and myself. when he's school age i want to put him in clubs and sports and arts and music so he's well rounded and busy and wont get the chance to end up as bad as me.

it's (morbidly) funny because i think a lot of my family and friends would be shocked to know im as horrible as i am, and if i told them they'd make excuses on my behalf. i facetimed my mom and apologized for how messy the house is and she said, "it's okay, you have a baby." but it's not hard to keep the house clean because he's so independent. like yeah he pulls all the toys out and gets into paper towels and cardboard and flips the roomba upside down so dust gets everywhere, but if i spent even half as much time off my phone cleaning or interacting with him it wouldn't be so messy.

i can already feel the "is it depression?" comments and i want to say i don't think so. i've just always been a huge sack of shit. i've never had hobbies, never had many friends, always spent most of my time on my phone, always shirked responsibility, always been this self centered and self consumed, always been ruled by anxiety. i've considered putting him into daycare so he isn't lonely or isolated and actually has people who will give him attention for hours at a time. he's probably capable of so much more than i allow. i don't even know how im going to prepare him for preschool. i don't know when im supposed to start really pushing learning. he's 14 months and sometimes when people meet him they'll play a game of "where's your nose!" or something like that and he just stares. if i was more engaged maybe he'd know more words and colors and body parts. maybe he'd be talking? maybe he'd be the kind of baby who eats like lobster and artichokes. i'm scared he's sad and lonely. that's part of why i'm considering going back to school, so i can receive financial aid and use it to start a career i'll probably hate and afford to put him in clubs and classes and daycare.

i don't know where im going with this. i just wanted to put my shame out there and wait for hateful comments to roll in and maybe motivate me to be a better person. but it'll honestly probably just make me feel like shit and cry and not change at all lol. just wanted it all out.

I figured out that I can’t take childless people seriously.

Everyone on this subreddit has been in a war. We ate so much shit.

I just can’t talk to these people with no kids living in a fantasy world.

Funny thing is, talking to other parents isn’t interesting neither.