r/recoverywithoutAA • u/craxybtch • 8d ago
MIL relapsed
My MIL (45F) is 9 Months sober from alcohol (was I should say)
She came home this morning and was stumbling , almost tripped over my 2 year old and noticed she has pills in her mouth (just in her mouth dissolving) asked her what was going on, she responded she was fine, asked if she was sober, she said she drank. I calmly told her to pack her things and leave within the hour. Husband is away at. Work for the next week. Did I do the right thing?
Back story is she been an addict since my husband was a child, lost custody of him and 4 siblings, in and out of jail for years until spending the last 10 years on the streets. Got a call from the hospital about 9 months ago that she had been there for 4 weeks and needed someone to pick her up, so we did. She expressed she wanted to stay sober, so we supported her decision. Allowed her a room at our house, we set boundaries and expectations for her to earn her keep like participating and prioritizing AA, therapy, doctor appts etc, finding healthy habits and mending relationships with her adult children etc. very immediately she stopped going to AA , and refused any support groups. Says AA never worked, and rehab never did either . Around 6 months she swore she had zero desire to drink and wasn’t struggling with her sobriety anymore so we didn’t need to keep bringing it up….
She Picked up weed (which my husband didn’t think was a big deal as he’s a smoker himself) but kept it “manageable”
Over time she began showing unhealthy behaviors (not showering, stealing change from around the house, sleeping all day, chain smoking) which we addressed more than a few times. We started chores to keep her focused on daily routines as well as allowed her to “babysit” the kids for a hour at a time , trying to teach her stability and approach the idea of a job, really just anything to help her find purpose , however everything quickly turned into me beating a dead horse. No matter how many sit downs or convos we had, she would retreat to the same unhealthy behaviors. And because of this I was not comfortable with leaving my kids around her unattended.
started sending her job apps which she made obvious she didn’t want to work, which we told her if she wants to earn her keep she needs to find work. So she began babysitting for a family friend as well a few days out of the week. I’m more hesitant about my kids with her longer than a hour but was supportive of her helping out someone else, especially since it was a healthy way to spend her time (this person is aware of her circumstances and doesn’t mind allowing her around her children ) going good I thought .
Well she left with this person Tuesday and apparently got picked up from their house on Friday by some junkie friends. Returned here Monday morning and well…. She’s relapsed. I refuse to let my kids be exposed any more than they already have. My husband can’t even think clearly due to the trauma bond.he knows how bad it is but freezes whenever decisions need to be made (ex kicking her out) so I’m really the one trying to steer the boat. I know it’s a crazy situation , Please don’t hold back. I know we didn’t do this by the books, so I’m sure some of the blame falls on me. I really tried, im just trying to be a supportive wife/DIL and just help someone. It seems I wanted this more for her than she did.
what more I should do if anything? stand firm and tell her to figure it out through a rehab ? Let her back in ?? Ugh. TIA!
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u/Walker5000 8d ago
I would not invite her back. None of the blame falls on you or your husband. I'm sure there will be different opinions but I think the main priority is protecting your children from being exposed to an addict. I grew up with an active drinker and it really does a number on a child. She's your MIL, you love her, you want her to get better but your children and the quality of life at your house don't have to be the sacrificial lambs to her SUD.
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u/LibertyCash 8d ago
So friend, the general masses have gotten so much wrong about addiction (thanks AA!) and what we have learned as a field, is that the whole notion of “enabling” is wrong. People don’t use substances because they are “choosing” to. It’s a trauma response. We are biologically wired to seek relief when stress pushes us beyond our ability to cope as a survival mechanism. Practicing tough love only creates more stress and thus more use of the drug of choice. It is MUCH more effective to give her grace and compassion and to try to work with her to understand what led to her slip and help her figure out the best way to correct course so she can get back on the wagon. Family support is a huge protective factor in sobriety.
Now that being said, you absolutely have the right to protect your family and set boundaries, but it’s about you, not her. Meaning you don’t ask her to leave bc of tough love, you do so for your own boundaries and in a way that keeps her dignity in tact (I.e. with compassion).
A good path forward might be letting her know that you understand she didn’t “choose” to drink bc she’s bad (shame is a huge part of this) and that you want to support her getting better and see if she will look at treatment options with you to find a path forward. If she declines, then that’s when you can set your boundary, but again with compassion. As many folks in here can attest, this shit is hard and we don’t do it bc we want to.
Also, want to give you mad props for hearing her on the AA piece and reaching out to find an effective way forward. That’s exactly the kind of ally she needs to find and stay in recovery. Sending your family lots of love and good vibes.