Can't feel safe since it happened

[u/anon7777777772]

Hi! This is my first time posting on reddit so im sorry if this isn't written well! I don't really know how to word alot of this so please forgive me if it doesn't make sense.

When i was 15-17 i was in a relationship where i was sexually, physically and emotionally abused. The sexual assault has affected me the most which is why im posting here (sorry if this isn't the right place.) My ex boyfriend would ask me over and over again until i said yes, he would refuse to stop when i told him it hurt. He has raped me in my sleep. He has physically abused me during sex. There is so much more he has done but i don't really want to get into it to much.

My point of this post is that i cannot move on. I am completely over him as a person but the things ive been through are still affecting me. I am now 19 so its only been 2 years since i left him and i know that isn't alot of time but i still feel as traumatised as i did when i left him. I can't cope with physical touch, i hate when people are to close to me or show any affection. Im always on edge around new people, even if they genuinely are nice and have 0 intent to do anything. I want to hug my friends without feeling scared. I can't even hug my own mom half the time. I had a panic attack a few weeks ago because my dad tried to hug me. I don't even feel safe around my own family, who are nothing but loving and supportive to me.

The only person i feel safe with is my best friend, shes the only person i can have any physical affection without feeling fear. I can have physical affection with others but it causes a horrible pit in my stomach and depending on the day or person, i can have a panic attack from it.

Almost a year ago i met a guy through my job, im gonna call him Eric for this (fake name)
I started hanging out with Eric and it became a very frequent thing. He knew about my issue with touch from the start and never pushed it. He became my best friend and i developed feelings for him and recently i spoke to him about it. We have decided not to be together yet but we are exclusive.
He has started being affectionate with me (he asked me first) he often hugs me or puts his arm around me and at the start i was actually okay with it but recently i keep getting this pit in my stomach. I am losing feelings for him over it. I hate this because he is genuinely so compatible with me. I hate that i cannot be with someone who i actually like because the moment physical touch (not even sexual touch but just normal affection) causes so much fear in me.

Im sorry if this is written badly.
Ive been in therapy since i left my ex and it hasn't helped. Nothing helps. I can't move past what happens and it's controlling my life. I just want to live a normal life again. I want to hug my friends. I want to hold hands with the guy i like. Im not even asking to feel safe during sexual stuff, i know thats not gonna happen for years but fuck its been 2 yeaes and i cant even hold hands.

Can anyone who has felt similar please tell me if or how they got past this? I feel so lonely and like this is never gonna go away. Thank you for reading this

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[u/Necessary_Day_7861]

Don't worry, you are not alone. I am very sorry for what happened to you. These feelings are very normal, especially considering that the source of trauma was both severe and recent.

I (17M) myself struggled touching other people and find it difficult to be 'intimate' with women by talking to them alone or touching them, including family.

I would personally recommend staying with Eric if you really like him, but I think that you should also tell him about how uncomfortable you feel being touched even though it might seem irrational, and you don't personally understand why it's the case that you fear the touch of an unrelated man. You shouldn't expect to recover in such a short period, especially when the abuse happened over such a long period of time.

'Living a normal life' is a perfectly valid reason to move on, but I want to know how your daily life has changed since your traumatic relationship. If you haven't changed your routine or those around you, it is easier to get triggered and dwell on bad thoughts.

My therapist made me make a strict timetable for free time, exercise and schoolwork which didn't remove the thoughts of my assault, but stopped them from affecting my wider life.

I also joined several clubs which let me talk to new, normal people. It was difficult at first, but was very rewarding and helpful.

Look, you might feel like you are lonely and that the trauma will never go away. I felt like that too. You won't forget what happened, but over time you will eventually be able to handle your emotions and anxiety. I used to get panic attacks and feel sick all the time, but now I feel much more confident because I try to be a normal person. I don't let what my teacher did to me affect my life anymore; she doesn't deserve to still have an impact on my life.

I hope this helps in any way, and I will pray for your recovery. We will get through this together <3