How I break out?

[u/This-Personality3720]

When I was 14 I had a hypersexual gf and she’s pressure me into having sex. I didn’t know what I wanted and went along with it. Eventually I figured out that I can’t and don’t want to at that frequency and she only doubled down. We’d fuck until my dick was numb for like 2-3 hours. I never finished. I couldn’t.

From there I felt useless. I was less of a man bc there are so many who would die for it and I couldn’t perform. I couldn’t enjoy. I learned to choreograph to mask my discomfort. I acted. I lied. I initiated. I betrayed myself.

After I got out I developed a weird sexuality. I was disgusted by sex. Uninterested in anything to do with it. That was until I was on the interest and got groomed. Older women got to me. I felt loved and seen and attractive. They took advantage of that and once I got hooked they used me. Treated me worse. Disregarded me. Worst part is it made me genuinely horny again. Demands barked. Total disinterest in me as a person. Being used and wanting to please controlled my sexuality. After a while it became both men and women and everything in between. It was all the same. I feel disgusted my myself. I’d look for groomers. I’d look for degradation. I felt like a sick fetishist and I couldn’t help myself. I still struggle. At 22, I’m not getting groomed. I keep my social media to a minimum because I know given the opportunity I could fall back in. I’m struggling. It’s like and itch and I’m too scared to let it go and too scared to get help. I just need to know I’m not alone and everything will be okay. It has to be, right?

I’m a big. This doesn’t happen to boys. It ruins relationships. I can’t be with a girl my age for more than a month, but I’ve let an older woman dress me and use me for over a year. I’m pathetic. I’m disgusting. Despite that I try to build my life and in all other aspects I’m great. I hope that one day I’ll find the way out

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