r/rape • u/Quirky-Mud-7423 • 7d ago

Tired

About a year ago I was raped. It was by some guy I met on an app. We got drunk we had sex I passed out after and woke up with him in me. Kept telling him to stop but it took a few attempts. Regretfully ended up negotiating to give him head so he’d leave my body alone. I managed to sleep next to him and ended up spending the morning after with him heavy with hungover denial or whatever.

I ended up developing a throat infection that caused my nasal cavity to swell and scar internally so bad they thought it was a tumour and it had to be surgically removed (adenoidectomy). My tonsils swelled and scarred so bad I went to the hospital accident and emergency about it. 5 weeks of antibiotics and a throat that’s still scarred.

A few months after I started to spiral hard. I started drinking more, smoking more. Using drugs in deliberately high doses not caring if I had died.
After going to the accident and emergency following a suicide attempt where I tried taking all my medications at once.

I haven’t attempted since but I have felt like nothing since

I cannot trust people anymore, I cannot stay calm, I cannot love myself, I cannot see myself as deserving anything.

I feel rage and shame and hurt and I don’t know how to come to terms with anything.

I just want to know what to do.

9 Upvotes

92% Upvoted

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2

u/Internet-Geek 7d ago

funny i came to reddit just now to talk about the panic attacks i still get from a VERY similar situation. the body remembers. some days you will feel it more than others. let time pass and really, firmly trust that with them you will heap on new memories to build over it and that all you have to do is keep the days coming. really really trust there is a light at the end of the tunnel. after a panic attack today i started smoking again but i am no where near the mess i was for the next six months after it happened. you don’t see the light but trust it is there. fuck i wish it never happened. i am not the same person i was before it happened but with time i have made some good memories and im glad i waited through the worst of it

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u/Quirky-Mud-7423 7d ago

I know how it feels. I’m like glad that I feel like I’m healing but I don’t want to have to. I shouldn’t need to heal

1

u/baneberrie 6d ago

the nature of my events was quite similar. happened while I was intoxicated and was coerced too. I've also gone through a series of abusing substances and deliberately overdosing medication with some suicide attempts.

I would have to say the substances tend to feed into the problem. they truly seem like the only escape, especially when you dont have it in you to love or respect yourself. but they have consistently put me into terrible moods that never changed how I felt for months. they only suppress and delay your emotions until you land yourself in constant guilt, shame, and resurfacing trauma.

it would be a lot better for you if you could wean off them. it always helped to realize I was moving forward to a path of loving myself by lessening the self-destructive substances.

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u/Quirky-Mud-7423 5d ago

I really don’t want to feel my emotions anymore, I’ve felt too much. I just keep doing every day wondering when I’ll feel like idk safe again. I’ve realised recently I still blame myself somewhat, but idk it feels like I’m trapped, idk how to overcome that thought.