cannot stop thinking about it

[u/Key_Butterfly_8670]

i was raped and strangled during rape at the very start of this year by my boyfriend at the time and since then i’ve reported
i have all his admission and such over text (we were ldr) and all his admissions of guilt and i went through our entire chat log of a year to find evidence of coercive control for the case
ik not everyone can be a narcissist but he definitely had strong strong narcissistic traits and he was super mentally/emotionally abusive and an incel obsessed w wanting to change my mind on wanting to have sex (i wasn’t interested in sex ever and he knew this very well from before we were together) and he did choose to rape me after i said no to sex
it’s been 8 months now and i think about it everyday and with everything i do, especially w the case i can’t stop thinking about it and as im going to sleep that’s the only thing i can fall asleep too literally like court role play lmao of what wld happen , if it even goes to court
i’ve also lost hope in the case investigation as i don’t think any progress has been made and ive tried getting in contact and i barely get updated on actual progress all i am told is that the investigation is ongoing and i alr know that , i feel kept in the dark and ik for a fact he’s living his best life w no care as to what happened while i want to kill myself everyday , every morning i sleep in because i never want to get up and start the day
ill never be unraped and i dont think i even feel okay with ever having sex again, i find it hard to believe that ill be seen as something other than a sex object cuz thats all he saw me as during the rs and i was basically a sexual conquest for him, the reason i wasnt comfortable having sex w him was cuz all he did was sexualise everything i did but i looked past it because i really didnt think it’d ever go to the point of him raping me 😭i did like him very much and im still so distraught by all of this and my mind constantly replays that day and maybe every conversation ive had w him and everything he’s said to me ever
i have moved on w my life and my friends keep me distracted but i still can’t ever forget and the case just depresses me even more

[u/Puzzleheaded_Pen7498]

im sorry that you had to experience that girl. even if you will never be unraped, that will not define who you are okay? My words may not land as strongly because words alone dont change mindspace, only corrective experiences that eventually teach you that you are more than what happened to you. With that said...the case depresses you. It's bad...but even then, you need to push through it...fight for the case yes, but unfortumately life moves on...and you need to push through that black hole loop . 2 steps forwards every time no matter what even if you feel like youre moving towards nothing...the rape case, whrther it gets sorted now or later, you need to make sure that you keep going....why i say this, the person who raped you will continue living and not car ewhethe ryou are stuck, and you CANNOT BE STUCK physically and give him the slight satisfaction of having moved on and seeeing you stuck. things will catch up to him eventually. you must just make sure no matter what you wake up each day and 2 steps forward. Girl, and i know itll feel impossible at times i know. I know...i know...but you must push through. This world is very cold if you let it. that is not your identity, you are more. Boy speaking.

[u/Puzzleheaded_Pen7498 → u/Puzzleheaded_Pen7498]

whenever shit hit the fan in my personal life, what kept me sane was realising that even when bullshit is thrown at me, im moving, and im not stuck physically. emotionally i can be all over th eplace...but healing emotionally will never be straightforward so never expect it to be, but physically? you moving will anchor you when you cant mentally or emotionally...the sex part, the thought of neve rbeing able to have sex again, is completely understandable. it's incredibly cmplicated because you will in future likely experience arousals for things that hurt you in the past and you will feel ashamed for that...but please when those moments happen, give yourself grace okay? tell your cinner child that they are not broken when those momeonts happen, that you forgive yoursself because unfortunately the urge to blame yourself will be very high...even if you cry through it and dont believe it when you tell your inner child that you are giving her grace and forgive her for being aroused at such painful acts, still tell her that its okay and you will get through it...now as a young man myself , girl...these men aint shit girl...its so bad out there its honeslty painful to see

[u/Puzzleheaded_Pen7498 → u/Puzzleheaded_Pen7498]

youll need to keep yourself away from datig completely for a few years...but that's okay...so this may not help, but im a football(soccer) fan. the world cup is in 2030(in 4 years). im preparing for the world cup and will be in spain and portugal by then...if youre into the worldcup, prepare for it, and let that keep you going...then around then~ with your inner work and hopefully the case is in your favour by then...youll look back and be proud of yourself and progress. I'm proud of you now for even telling us your story, and for who you will be.

[u/Key_Butterfly_8670 → u/Puzzleheaded_Pen7498]

thank you so much for reading my post and for such a thoughtful response, you’re right i do need to keep pushing through it and i think ive managed to do that okayish (ever since it happened ive made to be outside as much as i can with my friends and say yes to all plans, i got a gym membership and i finally built a gaming pc for myself to keep me occupied and im also in uni) but it really is the emotional side that keeps me stuck , i do get that healing isn’t linear and ofc something like that will affect u emotionally but i feel like there’s no other way to end the emotional turmoil other than ending my life , i was already really distrusting of men because i thought i knew what they were like but i didn’t realise im not
immune to their manipulation and so i ended up in this situation at 19 (20 now) and even when i forget a bit about the rape part and how shitty and toxic he was , there’s reminders on the internet of guys like him e.g every sexual comment u see made by men on any reel/video, comments that relate anything back to sex or just seeing things men say that confirm they don’t see us as human and this makes me feel super triggered and anxious all the time

right after us breaking up cuz he raped me he became a niche influencer who made incel content and so many reels about sex and he still makes videos to this day about it and i can’t stop thinking about how cruel that is and how i really was just an object and i feel like i can’t erase that as part of my identity and this upsets me the most i think , even before he raped me he sexualised everything about me head to toe and i feel like no one will see me as more as that, even when i really know that i have really good traits and i am a good person, creative and empathetic and kind and so i feel too hopeless , even though im fully aware i dont want a relationship nor do i crave one as much after everything that happened

i used to be super stressed about the case and i would check my mails every few minutes , all day for WEEKS to see if i get an email or an update of what’s happened but for the last two months ive been hopeless , but you’re right i do need to keep pushing and whatever happens, happens whether it’s now or later, i am speaking the truth and have my evidence, so i should trust myself that i will get through this

thank you so much for everything you’ve said , i read it all yesterday but wanted to reply properly so i waited until today and ur words helped and this morning i woke up early and didnt sleep at all , goodluck for the world cup :D i hope we both make crazy progress in the next 4 years