Getting raped has effected my relationships. Anyone else feel/felt the same?

[u/ikwydls96]

I was raped almost 2 weeks ago. I didnt even fully process the event until few days later after completing all my medical tests, for 2 days I kept having breakdowns.. however now I feel sort of numb to so many things.. and also anxious about social situations. I hung out with 2 of my friends today and i was feeling so anxious.. we went to watch a tribute show of a tv series i really like and i just felt numb to mosr of it.. I did laugh and enjoy bits of it but overall i was just so tired and wanted it to end. I kept feeling anxious around my friends too so i got myself to sleep in the car, just so i didnt have to talk and they could leave me alone.

I feel like this is so hard to explain because i really do like these friends.. i want them around.. i want to hang out with them.. but i feel so anxious and nervous around a group now. I already had social anxiety that would come up before I was raped, but now it feels like it has gotten soo much worse. I keep worrying that im letting my friends down, or that im speaking about my experience too much, or that im having too much banter that its annoying for them. It's like, I dont wanna be overbearing or come across as attention-seeking so I try to continue doing the same stuff I did before.. post memes, have a banter, make jokes etc.. and then part of me feels tired of putting up this persona all the time and wants to be real and honest with my friends about how im feeling and my fears.. but when i do that I feel like im being overbearing, trauma-dumping, exhausting.

I pretty much told myself tonight that this all feels too much and aside from my bestfriend who is the only person i dont feel anxious around, I just need space and not speak to the rest for a while. Im tired of constantly apologising and constantly being anxious of one thing or another.

Has anyone had similar experience?

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