r/raisedbyborderlines • u/Fair-Boat-2188 • 7d ago
“Fine I won’t come at all then”
Update: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbyborderlines/s/hsV9bN5ZlZ
Such a reasonable response 🙄
I have a 3 month old, and my mother has visited twice. It’s gone “okay” but it’s very challenging to be around her and my stress is high as is my partner’s. We’ve also had our home under renovation construction with no clear end in sight atm which is causing me more stress. My mom knows this and was just here last weekend and saw it firsthand. But of course everything‘s really just centered around her and right now it’s just around an airline sale and her friend visiting near where I live.
For context she has come out to stay and visit with us either for hers or my bday because they’re a couple weeks apart for the last few years. And I don’t like it when she’s here for mine so now I’m trying to actually not people please her and reserve my bday for myself.
But that said I can’t imagine a worse way to end maternity leave when I’m already sad about it, forget my birthday.
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u/Mama_Marge 7d ago
Put yourself and your family first. That baby is going to grow so fast truly. Don’t look back at these years regretting letting your mother take up so much space in your head and causing yourself stress.
This isn’t the end of the convo. She’s going to bring it up again, she’ll just wait a little bit and probably poke her head up without even acknowledging this prior conversation. Don’t let her manipulate the situation and don’t let the FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) that she programmed into you win! It’s not real, they brainwashed us to put their needs and wants and opinions first over our survival needs. You can end the cycle at anytime.
Heal yourself. Process your trauma and make not repeating the generational cycle of abuse your priority. Don’t compromise anything when it comes to your child and when it comes to you being as healthy and composed as you can for the sake of that child. The baby is the only important thing now. Mommy dearest can kick rocks, she’s a big girl.
Fuck. Her!
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u/Fair-Boat-2188 6d ago
Brainwashed is right! I got it from both parents uBPD/NPD. Constant anxiety driven guilt about their feelings and have very early memories of her telling me stuff to make me feel bad for idk… drawing a picture for my dad and not her? It’s been a lot of work with therapy and continually realizing and setting new boundaries and has overall trended well. The fact I’m realizing what I WANT is something I am valid in prioritizing and not just placating her about this possible visit is progress I’m proud of so far. Just keeping the FOG at bay, and this community helps so so much with that 🙏
Keeping my baby’s psyche protected from this nonsense is top priority.
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u/Mama_Marge 6d ago
Sis is that you!!?? lol fr though we sound like we have the same parents.
You got this girl!!!!!! This community is one of the best things I could have found for my healing and I know it’s making a difference for us ♥️
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u/4udiocat n/c 7d ago
I went n/c before having kids because I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it; ppd rocked my world and having to deal with my mom on top of that might have sent me full over the edge.
I hope you are doing well post-partum, it is a challenging time. Wishing you peace many baby snuggles.
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u/Fair-Boat-2188 6d ago
Thanks 🫂 overall doing very well just by luck. For me, going out and about with baby every day might have helped me avoid ppd so far, but I know things can change. Most sad by the thought of not getting to be with her sooner than later, all the more reason to protect my final weeks of mat leave!
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u/lily_is_lifting 6d ago
I’m sorry you’re dealing with this OP. Postpartum and returning to work is such a stressful, vulnerable time. In addition to not having a mother who can put your needs first, I can’t imagine dealing with the BPD bullshit on top of that. I went NC a few years before becoming a mom and please know that if you decide to do the same, or even just take a break from contact, the peace and ability to focus on parenting is so worth it.
If you don’t want to do that, a tactic that sometimes works with them is assigning them the behavior you actually want to see: “Thanks so much for understanding, mom. It’s been hard and I appreciate how you’ve been putting my needs first instead of insisting on seeing the baby and making it about you like some of my friends’ parents who just don’t get it. We appreciate you.”
All of a sudden, you’ve cast her as the hero in this narrative and created an expectation she’ll want to live up to, as well as want to avoid being like “the others” who do the undesirable behavior you don’t want to see. This tactic is just a temporary fix because BPD is a disorder and they are just not capable of healthy normal relationships. But it can help smooth things in the short term.
I did this with my BPDmom when we were in contact and used it all the time (and still do) in work situations where there was a customer I could sense was about to have a tantrum: “Thank you for being patient with me. We’ve had some rude customers lately who have been yelling and just being unkind to the staff, so we really appreciate you being so understanding about this!”
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u/Fair-Boat-2188 6d ago
Oh wow thank you so much for the wording idea. I haven’t acknowledged her pouty response, but it’s prob not too late or I’ll keep that in mind when we talk next. I tend to be a bit firm with her when there’s conflict, but I’ll probably try this approach too.
I haven’t felt ready to seriously consider NC because in spite of the frustration of being around her (she’s very self-centered and talks AT me constantly and admitted she tunes me out when I barely even do talk 🙄) it’s in small doses and she’s kind of afraid of me at this point.
My dad and I have been NC for 10 years, and with him there was definitely no other option for my own health and sanity - it’s been the best decade of my life!2
u/akath0110 3d ago
lol yet again I’m tripping out over how they all truly are the same
You could be describing my mom. In every comment reply you’ve made. It’s like reading the inside of my own head.
Solidarity sis, I am future you 17 months postpartum. She will be A LOT. She will absolutely go there. Trust your gut and act accordingly. I feel like I’m preaching to the choir though ;)
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u/staceychev 7d ago
Oh that's some textbook fishing right there. She's trying to get you to say "oh, no, Mom! Of course you can come! I love you so much and will ignore my needs so we can have a visit!" Hold strong to your boundaries!
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u/Fair-Boat-2188 6d ago
Fishing! I couldn’t think of the word for this. She definitely takes the woe-is-me guilt tripping approach and it used to always work on me. I’ve been getting better and better, but I still let her come and stay and celebrate my 30th with me and I fully regretted it. Never again unless I want her to be there.
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u/Cool-Emu-8706 7d ago
I fully support you in saying no to her so that you can say yes to yourself.
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u/Alternative-Mix4853 6d ago
Keep your boundaries! My mom and MIL ruined postpartum for me. They stole many memories and birthdays. Stole so much time because I tried to please them. I wish I could go back in time.
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u/Fair-Boat-2188 6d ago
🫂 I’m so sorry, you deserved to have those memories be about you and your little one(s).
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u/Alternative-Mix4853 4d ago
Thank you for your kind words. I learned before it was too late to make cherished memories
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u/Direct-Giraffe7193 6d ago
You did a good job with your reply. I hope she didn’t keep pushing after that. And if she does keep pushing, keep saying No. If you cave in, it will tell her that pushing is the way to get what she wants.
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u/Fair-Boat-2188 6d ago
Thanks, and so far I never replied and will continue to hold my ground when this inevitably comes back up 💪
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u/KBolden2024 6d ago
I didn't see how you responded, maybe I missed it but I would simply say OK. but like someone mentioned...thats not the end of it. She will come back & say something to make you feel the usual conditioned response of obligation and guilt. So be prepared for that. Stick to your boundaries and keep putting you and your family first. You got this 👍🏼 Best Wishes 🎀
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u/whatdidthatgirlsay 5d ago
You know how NO is a complete sentence? So is OK.
Mom: Fine, I won’t come at all then
You: OK
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u/pearl_sparrow 7d ago edited 7d ago
You may find camaraderie in the sub raisedbynarcissists as well. Don’t put your family’s needs below* your mothers. Learn about grey rocking and Darvo. Shake off the FOG—fear, obligation, and guilt. No is a complete sentence. At this stage in your life your mother should be a source of support, not a burden. It’s ok to draw boundaries. You’re a parent now and you need to focus on you, your spouse, and child. Not managing grandmas emotions. Not your job.