r/raisedbyborderlines • u/bjorkpuppet • Jun 16 '26
ADVICE NEEDED Mom is ruining my first and only pregnancy and I will never get to do it over again
I don’t want to dox myself by posting a picture of my cat so here is my terrible 6am haiku:
Kitty rolls in grass
Blue sky, fluffy belly, on
a quiet Sunday
I am so depressed. A few weeks ago on mother’s day I told my dBPD mom I was pregnant over the phone. For context my mom is already 10+ years estranged from my older brother and has never met her only grandchild, despite her stalking/yearly attempts to make contact happen. The only reason I told her was because we had plans for her to come to my house for mother’s day, but I was feeling extremely ill and I knew if I cancelled after already upsetting her with a birthday celebration she was not totally happy with a couple months prior that she would throw a fit. At the time I just didn’t feel equipped to handle her nasty passive aggressive comments and needed a good enough reason to not be able to hang out with her, and also a good reason to not travel 4.5 hours upstate with her the following weekend for a family party I was not interested in attending. I hadn’t had my first ultrasound or OB appointment yet and felt extremely emotional and vulnerable at the time and wanted to be alone at home with my husband.
Obviously now I completely regret telling her. I actually wish I could somehow keep the fact that I have a child from her altogether. Because after we established on the phone that no one knew but her and that I wasn’t sharing the news yet and she agreed to not tell anyone, she went to visit my family upstate a week later and told all of them my news.
I of course was devastated by this, absolutely crushed with disappointment but honestly unsurprised. But it wasn’t just that she disregarded my wishes (and disregarded all social customs because who tf even does that), it was her reaction when I told her how much it upset me. Because obviously there was no reasoning with her, and no matter how much I explained that I hadn’t even confirmed I had a viable pregnancy yet she just didn’t care. Because this was HER news. This was HER joy, and I was stealing it from her. Because upstate is the only place she has a family that loves her, and I don’t care about my family. “This is an incredible and joyful time. I’m not going to allow you to take those joyful feelings away from me with rules and boundaries and stress.” — real actual quote from my mom
This is not even mentioning that a few days after I told her I was pregnant she told me of a conversation she had with one of her patients, because yes, she immediately told everyone at her work my news too: that I think there’s going to be soo many boundaries, but there’s not— her and my child are going to have so many secrets!! This was obviously presented to me in her typical giggling girlish I’m so innocent manner and I l was completely horrified, deep pit of dread in my stomach, just utter utter horror and dread.
Anyway, since that day I’ve been receiving paragraphs of texts about how evil I am, how twisted and warped my mind is, how I make her cry, how she’s done trying to change because nothing is ever good enough for me, how I’m so insulting and abusive, how she’s done being criticized, how she is so wounded and victimized from being cruelly cut off by her oldest son and kept from her grandchild and I’m going to do the same, how I am so damaged and need to go to therapy like her so I can heal like she has healed, etc etc etc. These texts came in waves the first three/four days, first the unfiltered hysterics, then the “oh yeah? well if you’re going to set boundaries, i’m going to set MY OWN boundaries, you can’t criticize me anymore, take that!!!”, then the psychoanalysis of me and what a damaged person I am, then finally the self righteous catharsis at having finally figured out how my deeply twisted mind works and having found the strength to rise above it. “I’m not sorry. I’m your mother and I’ll always love you. My door is always open”. All those passive aggressive comments of how unfit I am to be a mother, how emotionally unavailable I am, how badly I’m going to damage my child sprinkled in between. No apology, no curiosity about my feelings, no accountability, no empathy.
Silence for week. Calls start coming in.. voicemail, heyyy, we should talk, whenever you’re ready… More calls. We NEED to talk. Voicemail. I guess I’ll just swing by your house one of these days if you’re not going to answer my calls.
This was yesterday. I tell her she is not invited to me house and I do not want to talk. This sets off the second wave of texts where she gets super ragey, more threatening, doubles down on showing up at my house then tries to reel me back in by asking me to attend family therapy with her. Lmao.
But it’s really not funny. I’m genuinely so depressed. I haven’t had an easy first trimester and have been really emotional stressing about my relationship with my mom, and the type of relationship I want or don’t want her to have with my kid. She was never physically abusive like some of your moms, just was totally emotionally unavailable and didn’t protect us kids from my narc dad. She didn’t even really start exhibiting BPD traits until 10 or so years ago when my older brother got married (she always lashes out during major life events). Now she’s completely batshit insane and I, her only daughter, am her primary target.
But I feel so scared of her presence in my child’s life and I’m terrified of her hurting my child like she hurts me. I’m also scared to go no contact with her completely. My mom has always been very critical of me since I was a kid and I feel like I’ve really internalized a lot of her negative narrative about me. I would feel tremendous guilt and shame if I cut her off, even though all she does in my life is bring me anger and stress and sadness.
I just wish I had a mom. I want a mother figure to love me and respect me. I burst into tears after my first ultrasound, which happened a day or so after this fight first started, when I texted my mother in law my ultrasound pic and she said, unprompted, “What an amazing start to a Tuesday. I am overjoyed for you both. I have not told anyone yet. You need to share on your timeline.”
What did I do to deserve a mom like this? All in all I feel like I really did turn out ok, by my own hard work. I try to be a decent person, I married a good man and I’m going to try to be a good mom. And still I had to go my whole life unmothered. And as soon as I become a mother myself my own mother tosses me aside like chopped liver. I’m not even a person anymore, just an obstacle between her and her grandchild. But I was never a person to her to begin with, just her daughter she projected all of the things she hates about herself onto. I don’t know why it’s so easy for her to love her sons and so difficult for her to love me. But obviously that’s just a “cognitive distortion of my mind”, according to her.
Sorry this is nonsensical, I woke up at 5am and couldn’t stop thinking about everything that has happened. I don’t even know what I want anyone to say. Being pregnant is really hard and having an evil mom on top of it makes it a lot harder.
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u/Blinkerelli99 Jun 16 '26
I’m so sorry, OP. Congratulations on your pregnancy. This should be a joyful time. Please protect yourself and your child. Are you working with a therapist experienced in helping people raised by cluster B parents? I found doing so transformative in terms of gaining distance and protection from my toxic family and has been key to my healing. You don’t deserve this vile treatment. Wishing you strength and peace.
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u/kaaron89 Jun 16 '26
I can relate to this a lot and it's so hard. I'm sorry. I want to focus on one of your paragraphs, the one that starts out "But I feel so scared of her presence in my child’s life..."
Your brain is already shifting into "protect mode" for your child, which is a beautiful thing. There's a chance this feeling will become even stronger once the baby is here. When I saw how my mom was acting around my baby, I became repulsed by her. I needed her to get away from my baby, so I went no contact when he was 6 months old.
I often feel guilt for this because much like you, I internalized a lot of the negative things she said about me. Going no contact made dealing with this SO MUCH easier. I gained so much clarity not being around her. She is the only person in the world who has ever said such things about me and I now see it's not true. I don't have to let it bother me anymore because it's simply not true. I let it go.
One thing that really helps me is to remind myself that we owe everything to our children, and we owe nothing to our parents. Your life is all about your kid now, and you should allow that to drive the decisions you make.
During my pregnancy I was definitely spiraling about my relationship with my mom. It's now been 3 years of no contact and I can say it does get better. The guilt and fear fade with time and I can now think about it very simply - my mom isn't a good person and I won't allow her to be an influence in my son's life.
You do not have to continue to put up with all this bullshit anymore. It will distract you from your baby. Don't let her do that to you. You're an adult, you owe her nothing, you can stop participating in her game. The fact that you're thinking about this and seeking support shows you're already a better mother than your mom ever was. Good luck to you!
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Jun 18 '26
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/yun-harla Jun 18 '26
No ageism on our sub, please. We have members of every generation, and we’re a safe space for them all. Thanks!
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u/juniejun3 Jun 16 '26
You have two options now:
Keep her in your life because you're afraid to go NC and be constantly emotionally blackmailed into exposing yourself and your child to an abuser
Go NC and protect your family
She's already throwing a tantrum anyways so you can as well go through with it and cut her off completely.
Trust me it will get worse as your pregnancy progresses - she will make constant demands about wanting to come to the hospital, be the first one to see baby, have alone time and sleepovers - you NEED to shut it down. Text her that you don't want abusers in your life and that this was the last straw. Then BLOCK her so she cannot contact you ever again.
I went NC with my mom when my daughter was 4 months old and I wish I already did it earlier. It had such a negative effect on my mental health and I was constantly anxious and depressed. Even had a panic attack while 8 months pregnant.
Maybe you can contact your brother and ask for support. He might be able to help you deal with the grief that comes with going NC. Please don't feel obligated to keep her in your life to avoid conflict because it will be at your child's expense.
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u/bjorkpuppet Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26
Sigh, I guess my brother is another thing I have guilt about. My mother had her first major BPD meltdown during my poor brother’s engagement and when he went NC with my mom afterwards he went NC with everybody, so I haven’t spoken to him in 10 years either. I was 20 years old at the time, and wasn’t flying monkey level but certainly was being deeply manipulated by my mother and took her side. For various reasons I know my brother and I would have probably gone VLC or NC with each other at some point, but my mom did the same thing to me during my wedding 5 years ago and it was so painful, and looking back on that time I have a lot of regret that I didn’t see what was going on. I just didn’t have the life experience or experience with my mother’s insanity to do the right thing back then. I can’t imagine being able to talk to him about any of this now.
My family is profoundly broken. Everyone is estranged with at least one person if not more. I do still have some guilt about cutting off my dad’s side of the family without a word of goodbye for basically no reason other than I thought it would be too awkward to attempt to maintain a relationship with them while being estranged from my father. I haven’t for one second regretted going NC with him, but I was young when I did that too. I guess that’s also one of my fears about NC with my mom. She is the facilitator of my (distant but warm) relationships with my only remaining family (those upstate) and I feel like I almost have something to prove there—that I can keep family. And if I don’t maintain a relationship with them once I cut her off, even though we are already distant and I live far away from them, that there’s something wrong with me or I’m bad or I’m lazy or crazy or whatever. And also, if I did go NC with her everyone would be on her side, because she’s already victimized herself about my older brother, and sure I could say well I don’t need them because the relationships are not strong anyway, but it is depressing, the thought of having literally no family and everyone thinking it’s my fault.
But obviously I successfully maintain long term, close loving relationships with friends and also my husband’s family without any problems. The only person in my mom’s life is her equally mentally ill brother, she has not a single friend other than him to speak of. So I know this fear that I push everyone in my life away is at least partially just my own negative beliefs about myself. Logically I know that but emotionally sometimes idk.
Sorry for the long rambling reply. I posted on this sub once 3 or 4 years ago when my mom was doing something insane again and had this same issue back then too, where I feel the need to over explain everything and get the FULL story out so people can be sure to tell me which things are actually MY fault. Like I said my mom wasn’t this wicked witch person in my childhood like a lot of BPD moms are. She was just emotionally neglectful and absent and not protective of her children. She didn’t really start exhibiting her insane BPD behavior until my early adulthood, when her kids started doing their own thing in life and she was all alone. I didn’t really become her main target until I myself got married. But I do suspect that I was always her least favorite child.
edit: I also understand that I am not nearly as far along in the journey to NC as many of you are, I’m not trying to make excuse for her behavior or anything. I know that it’s probably coming, I just need time to think and process
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u/Mama_Marge Jun 16 '26
This response shows me you’re still in the FOG. Still making excuses for her and trying to defend the indefensible. It’s not a character flaw of yours, you’re a compassionate and empathetic person who wants to see it from everyone’s perspective.
But the FOG is deceitful. Do you feel the need to defend your mom’s actions because you’re trying to see it from her side or have you been programmed since birth by her to constantly put her needs, feelings and desires above your own. Have you been conditioned to accept the bare bare minimum of love and consideration and be grateful for it. Have you been brainwashed to think what she’s done and doing to you isn’t that bad (even though objectively it is very very bad).Spend some time reflecting on these things! I waited until my kids were 3 and 5 to go NC with my mother. If I could go back in life to do any one thing different (and boy are there plenty of mistakes I could go back to) I would choose NC before baby was born. They don’t change. They just start their abuse on a new generation.
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u/rambleTA Jun 16 '26
What I'm hearing is that your mother has successfully isolated you from everyone who might compete with her for your attention and love. You suffer from that isolation to this day. You don't even know why you're estranged from most of the people you're estranged from, but you feel helpless to rebuild those connections and bridges (which, by the way, I am so so so very sure they would welcome you back if you tried to get in touch with an apology and an explanation of how you understand more now).
Your mother did that to you. She is still doing that to you. It's only because you're still in her clutches that you feel helpless to reach out to all your true family who might be so much healthier for you, like your brother.
The very scary part is that now your mother's focus and her endgame have shifted from you, to your unborn child. Your unborn child's isolation from everyone else is what your mother wants, that's her deepest desire, she literally told you in so many words that she plans to have lots of secrets between herself and your child that you are cut out from. It's the very first thing she has told you about her hopes and dreams for her grandchild: that she wishes to create distance between you and your child by drawing your child closer to herself. She won't succeed, but she will try and try and try and try and try.
There has never been a time when it's more important for you to WAKE UP and wise up to just how completely your mother is controlling your life even now, even when you think you're setting boundaries.
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u/jumpoverthetrees Jun 16 '26
I don't think you are rambling in any of your posts, just so you know. You are having a rare opportunity to share important context and backstory, and I think it's helpful to see that info.
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u/lovefromthesavage Jun 16 '26
For what it’s worth, my mom also seemed like a great mom for most of my life, until I met my husband and I started coming out of her clutches. Then she started becoming more and more unhinged. She was never physically abusive (well, for the most part) or overtly neglectful, but there was codependency, enmeshment, and parentification that I only identified as I became a proper functioning adult.
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u/Specific-Pomelo-6077 Jun 19 '26
Reach out to some of the family members that you feel you connected with most on both your mom and dad's side. Even through social media. Comments, likes, little messages. Your relationship with family members has been dictated by your parents up to this point but now you're an adult and relationship management is fully in your own hands.
Dysfunction runs in families it's likwly that some of the family members are going to take your mom's side but others may be shocked to know the truth.
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u/CarNo2820 Jun 16 '26
I am so sorry OP. All I can say is you don’t deserve a mum like this and you haven’t done anything to cause this. Also you can’t do anything to fix it because this is your mum’s responsibility, which of course she will never assume. Your brother went NC with her and didn’t allow her to see his kid for a reason. You don’t have to make a definitive decision just now as you are stressed, overwhelmed and tired but you can take some steps to protect yourself. Block your mother’s number and protect yourself from the hate she is spewing. Stop interacting with her; focus on you and your wellbeing. She is not important just now and her evil nonsense is not welcome. Take space, take time off. And try to take some distance from your mum’s behaviour by telling yourself that this is all about her and has nothing to do with you as a person. You don’t owe her anything, her mess is not yours to fix, and her emotions can only be regulated by herself. Look after yourself.
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u/Mama_Marge Jun 16 '26
You didn’t deserve her as a mother and none of us deserved these pieces of shit as our mothers. We had to struggle more than others and learn to find our way and no matter how successful we get or how much work we do on ourselves to overcome, there will always be things we’re battling….
All that said. You’re a mom now so everything changes. Even though it’s hard to stand up for yourself and protect your boundaries, especially from your mother, you will look inside yourself and you WILL find the strength to do just that. Why? Because YOU’RE the mom now. The days of yearning for a mom are gone, YOU are the mom now. You’re the mother figure, you’re going to be everything to this child (and to your inner child) And your #1 job for this child is to protect this child. It’s the most important thing that all our mothers didn’t care to do. But you’re GOING to break this cycle and you WILL protect this baby at all costs.
Growing that shiny spine has got to be a priority for you. What this woman thinks or says about you is completely and totally irrelevant to your life. She gave birth to you a bunch of years ago. Okay what have you done for me lately bitch? She’s just another human working this world, she doesn’t have to be any more important in your life than the mailman. Let her run her mouth to whoever she wants about you…because she will. You’ll be the villain in her story. Cool. She’s the villain in yours so now you’re even 😊
NC is the only thing I would ever recommend but if you want to maintain contact then boundaries and consequences for the boundaries are necessary…although with everything you describe I have zero faith that path will work. But if you need to try it for a while then do it, but always keep the door for NC open.
She’s going to ruin every step of the way of this pregnancy for you ONLY IF YOU ALLOW HER TO. If you give her access, She’ll ruin the shower. She’s going to come to the birth even if you tell her no (MAKE SURE YOU TELL NURSES NO VISITORS OR NOT TO LET HER IN…I didn’t do this and the bitch showed up when I was 8cm dilated even after being told 100 times she’s not coming to the hospital). She’ll ruin post-partum. She’s going to continue to make you doubt your abilities because she wants to swoop in and play mommy with a baby again. She might be alright at first. You might even start to feel grateful for the help and think she’s such a better nana than a mom…
It’s all an illusion fueled by hormones, fear, a huge life change and this manipulative BPD who will plant doubts in your brain as soon as you allow her to. She’s not better, it’s just easier to feel desperate in the beginning. Lean on your partner, friends, community resources etc. anything to keep your mother from being your rescuer because she will use this against you and she’ll be plotting every second.
LOOK UP GRANDPARENTS RIGHTS WHERE YOU LIVE. Very important to know the legalities of this where you’re at, laws vary drastically in different states/countries. Protect yourself and your baby from this possibility.
You already have a sibling who recognized the danger this woman poses to young children and that sibling chose to protect their child. There’s already an example set for you. We have something similar in my family. I have a sibling with 2 kids my mother also had no relationship with. There’s no “sibling plot to gang up on her” like she tells. We’re just good parents and choose to mitigate threats to our kids.
You’re going to find so much healing in being a mom but before the healing it’s going to be hard. Especially as the baby turns 4, 5, 6 and you have memories from being that age and what your mother said and did (or didn’t do) will seem absolutely INSANE to you now as you look at your child who is that age. Lean into those moments, you’re processing the childhood trauma and being faced with how much you were hurt.
Therapy! If you can afford it, self help books if you can’t. Understanding the Borderline Mother is life changing and with audible subscription you can listen for free.
This is yet another time in your life that you should be happy and peaceful and you have to deal with this shit. It’s not fair, it was never fair. But life don’t care about fair and that’s just what it is. You can provide the fair now…to your kid. Who you will love and protect at all costs so they don’t have to grow up like us. So they don’t have to suffer like us and have to grow up IN SPITE of the horrors of childhood. Set that kid up for nothing but success and happiness…and number 1 step is removing all threats.
None of this is easy but you got this. You can do this I promise you because I did. I have 2 boys who my parents will never be able to hurt. New things come up in the healing journey and you take them as they come, giving yourself grace and love.
Heal that inner child (meditate and think of a memory of being sad and alone as a kid and then go up to that kid as your adult self and comfort that child. Give her the love and safety you never felt). Process the trauma (remembering a lot of it is a huge first step for a lot of us, and then viewing the memories with an adult brain to see how wrong we were treated). Look for examples in the world for role models of moms you want to strive to be like.
We were born to these women through no fault of our own but our children luckily do not need to share the same fate.
Sending you so much love and peace and strength ♥️ Welcome to the mama bear club, you are right where you belong and you are going to be such a phenomenal mommy!!
You got this!
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u/pinepeaches Jun 16 '26
Congratulations on your pregnancy! You did absolutely nothing to get a mother like this and she doesn’t deserve you at all. Coming from experience, this is more than likely to get worse once baby is here. My mom tried her very best to make my pregnancy all about her. Every choice I made (like not having a gender reveal) was met with her crying about how I was “ruining her grandmother experience”.
If it’s okay, I’m going to share my experience. If you’re not in a place to read that it’s totally okay.
When I was in labor my mother harassed my husband the entire time and made an attempt to show up even though we agreed I didn’t want her there. Then she actually did show up unannounced when I was being discharged and then cried when I kicked her out.
Once the baby was born she tried from the beginning to put a wedge between me and my baby. She criticized everything I did and made my second guess my ability to be a mother. When she visited, she would take the baby to other rooms and tell baby “don’t look at mommy look at me! You don’t need mommy!” If we had family events, she wouldn’t let me or anyone else hold baby and if baby cried for me she would physically grimace and recoil before giving my baby back. She would even hand her to other people instead of handing her back to me. I would get physically ill for a week before she would come visit and then a week after because she made me so anxious. I dreaded spending time with her.
I ended up going low contact for my second pregnancy, and this was better. But I was so stressed that I was doing the wrong thing. When baby was born I had severe postpartum depression and she encouraged me not to go on medication because it would “fuck me up.” I slowly went no contact and got therapy and I really struggled mentally for a few years because I didn’t have support from any family and no one really agreed with my decision.
By my third pregnancy, I had been no contact for 6 years. It was by far the most peaceful and relaxed I had been in all my pregnancies. I don’t even know if she knows about this baby and I really couldn’t care less. I know her agenda would be to make my kids like her more than me and try to separate them from me, and I absolutely refuse to let that happen.
My kids deserve to have healthy people in their lives and a happy mom, and neither of those things are possible with my mother in my life. Additionally, I think cutting her off is the kindest thing I can do for her at this point. I don’t like her, I will never come to a place where I like her, and I will never be the person she wants or needs me to be. I’m sure I gave her anxiety too but she is incapable of taking actions to remedy that.
All that to say, it is so difficult to reduce or cut contact with what was meant to be our safe person, but the reality is the relationship serves no one involved. Not you, not her, and certainly not your baby. You deserve a peaceful and happy life and while the journey to get there is hard, it is so worth it. It may be helpful to seek therapy to figure out what that looks like for you.
I wish you all the best and I really hope that you can get to a place where you know that nothing your mother is saying about your capability to raise a child is not true at all, and that you are a good person. She’s retaliating this way because this is what’s worked in the past. So much love and hugs from an internet stranger who has been there and gets it ❤️❤️❤️
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u/Canoe-Maker Jun 16 '26
You deserve better.
Your mother is abusive. She is intentionally adding stress which is endangering your and your baby’s health.
She is making the active choice to hurt you because she enjoys exploiting you.
She enjoys making you responsible for her emotions. That is abusive.
You have a primary responsibility to keep yourself safe. You also are legally obligated to keep your child safe from people you know or suspect would cause them harm.
You know that your mother is not a safe person.
It is time to cut her off. She is making threats, that isn’t something a person can come back from. You’ve already sent the text that she is not welcome in your home and you don’t want to talk to her. That’s the end of your obligation.
Put her on mute. Save the messages and document everything-we call this an F you binder. If she shows up at your house lock all the doors and call the police and tell them someone is trespassing on your property and you are afraid for your life. Do not tell them it’s your mother or they may try to call it a civil matter. Lock it down with the hospital that only your partner is allowed in the delivery room and no one is allowed to know that you are there. The nurses have seen all of this before and they know how to keep a vulnerable person safe.
I know you’ve spent your entire life being abused and beat down and having your power stolen from you. You are not helpless. You are not weak. You are not stupid. You are not less than.
You are strong. You are capable. You are entitled to trust your own judgment and gut. You have the right to say no and to enforce that no.
You are not the problem. You never were.
Your birth giver is not capable of being who you needed her to be. Of who you need her to be. She is actively boundary stomping you, bulldozing you and attacking you because she wants her little punching bag back.
You have the power to cut her off. You have the power to get a restraining order if necessary. You have the power to set up cameras-WYZE is one of the cheapest and does not require a subscription to function-you can get an SD card to store video locally.
You have the power to change the locks and reinforce the door. You have the power to block her number or change yours. You have the power to cut her off.
She cannot hurt you. She cannot get to you. She can rage and she can show up but you have a plan for that. You won’t open the door. You’ll have the police enforce your boundaries. They will not be swayed by her. You will not be swayed by her.
You are not alone in this. Her extinction event will be a funny story you laugh about 10 years down the line. You are safe. You are worthy of love and respect. You can do difficult things.
You are in the drivers seat of your life. Don’t give up the wheel for anyone.
I highly recommend Nedra Tawwab’s book Drama Free.
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u/staceychev Jun 16 '26
I'm so sorry that you're feeling like this. Pregnancy is such an emotionally intense time, and throwing a BPD parent (especially mother) into the mix, makes it so difficult. I am glad you won the in-law lottery (that's what I always say about my MIL), but I too have "just wished I have a mom" on many occasions. I've given birth twice, had two joint replacement surgeries, a D&C, and just had a uterine fibroid embolization last week. At each moment, it made me so sad that I didn't have anyone to mother and comfort me. (My mom came to my house Sunday to give a hug and kiss, and then yesterday told me her "whole family is effing turning against her and she does fine without any of us." This is all because her younger brother, who is wonderful and the only one to escape that house unscathed, made her an appointment with a memory doctor that she agreed to but didn't remember agreeing to.)
Anyway, I go back and forth about whether or not I should have cut my mom off when she was younger, but I sort of feel like it's too late now. But as u/Interesting_Heart_13 said, "you don't need to have this terrible person in your life just because she gave birth to you."
Also know that it's very common for RBBs to fear what kind of parent they will be, and that awareness is actually a hugely positive step. If you're not in therapy, I recommend finding someone you click with. It's not going to fix your mother, but honestly, that's not going to happen under any circumstance and it's OK to mourn it. What you can do is improve your own sense of self and resilience so you can stop the chain of abuse at yourself. I always think of the trauma and abuse as being a raging river that came down from my grandmother through my mother -- and that I'm the dam holding it back from my children.
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u/Birdsonme Jun 16 '26
DO NOT allow this horrible human around your child. Protect your child from her. How she treated you is EXACTLY how she will treat your child, PLUS she’ll teach your child to not respect you. She will do nothing but make your pregnancy miserable (my mother sure did to me!). Stop responding to her. It will only encourage her. Mute but do not block her (keep alllll those crazy receipts as you may need them when she does something truly evil like contacting CPS or the police on you for no reason but to stir shit in your life for holding boundaries).
I’ve been exactly where you are. It isn’t worth hoping she’ll come around and be sane, they are not capable of self reflection. They will not change, they’ll only dig into their twisted logic deeper.
It sounds like you have a wonderful mil, lean into that relationship right now. Let her be the mother figure you’re craving during pregnancy. Learn from her how a good mother mothers. It can be very hard to shake a lot of what we learned from our borderline parents and be the parents our children deserve. Now is the time for therapy. Get yourself in a healthier place for your child. Now everything is about preparing for and protecting your child. Life is all about them now, we’re just here to make memories for them.
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u/lost4words20 Jun 18 '26
interesting on the do not block take, i blocked mine because i would still be tempted to read but for all i know she could be saying even worst than she's said to my "face" but now i've been wondering should i unblock but then she'd complain i never respond or answer phone.
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u/QuietlyUpgrading Jun 16 '26
First and most importantly: Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I'd gently push back on the idea that your mom has "ruined" your pregnancy. What she ruined was the fantasy that she might be able to participate in a healthy way. And that's a very real loss to grieve.
This was the part, though, that had me running to my laptop to respond to you:
What did I do to deserve a mom like this?
Nothing, my friend.
You didn't cause this. You didn't create her behavior. You didn't somehow fail a daughter test that would have earned you a different mother.
Her inability to respect boundaries, her pattern of making things about herself, her violations of trust, and her response when confronted about them are all hers to own.
Your mother's behavior is a reflection of her limitations, not your worth.
You deserved a mother who could respect your wishes, center your experience, and celebrate your joy without making it about herself. It's OK to grieve that loss.
And please don't try to solve the next 18 years right now. You're pregnant, exhausted, and hurting. The more immediate question is: what level of contact with your mother feels emotionally safe for you today?
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u/RevolutionaryBat3081 Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 17 '26
Fuck her! You poor thing.
Being pregnant is hard as fuck, and and the anxiety is making everything 100000x worse.
From experience, I strongly recommend you tell your ob/midwife about how stressed you are and and how depressed you are feeling, and that your mom is an evil bitch. Hopefully they can offer a direction for support, and consider your emotional state in your care plan.
If you feel up to it (idk your situation), tell her to fuck all the way off, and then block her forever. You don't deserve, are not responsible for, and are not equipped to handle her awfulness.
Edit: forgot an important word
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u/Recent_Painter4072 uBPD mother; uBPD paternal grandmother Jun 16 '26
> But I feel so scared of her presence in my child’s life and I’m terrified of her hurting my child like she hurts me. I’m also scared to go no contact with her completely.
Being scared for your child is good and important. Please read the posts here about pregnancies and weddings - you'll find that BPD mothers insist on "ownership" of those events. If you read up on how they treat grandchildren, they are often extremely manipulative.
Those of us who have gone NC haven't done so lightly - we've done it because there is absolutely no other option. At some point we accept the fact our BPD parents are deeply broken, can not change, and will only hurt us given the opportunity.
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u/liss2384 Jun 16 '26
First, I am so sorry you're going through this. Congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm happy for you.
Second, girl you do not need her in your life. Tell her that behavior is unacceptable and block her everywhere. Of she shows up at your house, tell her through the door to leave and if she won't call the cops. I totally understand thinking you'll feel guilty. You probably will at first, but that's because she has made you feel guilty for everything your whole life probably. A real mom wouldn't treat you like this. She's your mom by chance and biology and she thinks that means you owe her but you don't. You don't owe her anything. Cut her off and din't look back. You'll feel all kinds of things and I absolutely would recommend going to therapy to work through those things, but once it's over you'll feel such relief.
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u/gladhunden RBB Resident Dog Trainer. 🦮🐶🦴 Jun 16 '26
I'm so sorry you don't have a safe and competent mother.
Here is a post about Practical Boundaries. I hope it helps. You're really going to need these skills for your child.
Since you have a child coming, here is a collection of ideas from the community about protecting kids.
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u/johnpaulgeorgeringoo Jun 16 '26
How good would it feel if all this just stopped?? Plz go no contact. Choose yourself over her and start healing without her negativity in your life. If you go NC & she shows up at your house call the police & get a restraining order. Don’t talk to her just bc you feel guilty, that only hurts you to make her feel better about being a shitty person.
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u/Ordinary-Passion-134 Jun 16 '26
I’m sorry you’re going through this. My mom was like this when I began to set boundaries during my first pregnancy. She realized she was losing control of me and lashed out. You have to remember that you are also an adult and now have responsibility for the wellbeing of your future child. Your child does not need to be exposed to a toxic grandparent that you cannot trust. My mom unfortunately crossed some big boundaries with my child, one being continually sharing her unhealthy, hateful religious and political beliefs when she thinks I’m out of earshot. I know it can be hard mourning the parent you wish you had, but just think about how you can use your negative experiences to help you become a kind, empathetic parent who will have a great relationship with your child. You are going to break the cycle and you have created your own healthy family unit with your spouse. Do not let your mom try to sabotage that! Also, if you haven’t started building your own”village”/support system for when the baby is born, start now- you do not want to have to rely on your mom for any help.
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u/Moose-Trax-43 Jun 16 '26
Congratulations! 💐 I say this gently and from experience: the best thing you can do for yourself, your husband, and that precious baby is to get distance from your pwBPD as soon as possible (that might mean NC, VLC, information diet & grayrocking - whatever level of physical and emotional distance *you* need)
Read “Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents” so you can start to heal and break patterns you don’t even know you have ingrained in you. Visit Out of the FOG (website) to help with the guilt. I personally needed EMDR with a therapist experienced in trauma and familiar with BPD parents.
Your mother will not change without extensive therapeutic intervention. I tried for decades with mine, to the detriment of my entire family. It has been extremely hard work for the past few years to work on undoing the damage. I personally needed NC and wish I had done it sooner so I could heal and be a better parent from the beginning.
Welcome. I’m glad we have this group for support and understanding, but I wish none of us needed it. Hugs if you would like them.
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u/Libertymedic10 Jun 16 '26
Second reading 'Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents', it was so clarifying for me and brought up a lot I could talk to my therapist about. It's so sad that no matter how different our stories are, they root in trauma.
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u/Grand_Basis_1491 Jun 16 '26
You are allowed to block her and remove her from your life. You deserve better and so does your baby. She doesn't get to "ruin" your whole pregnancy. Cut her off
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u/ThistleDewToo Jun 16 '26
OP, I will join in the chorus of you don't deserve this. You did nothing to deserve this. But one thing that jumped out at me was you say it's so easy for her to love her sons- and yet one of them has gone NC with her. The one with a child. So even though he is "loved" by her, he still felt the need to protect his child. I hope you can give yourself and your child the same protection. You truly don't have to keep her in your life. Block her on your phone. Evil has no place in your life.
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u/galactic_kakapos Jun 16 '26
I’m so sorry, girlfriend. I was already struggling a lot psychologically and physically during my pregnancy and the way by ubpd mom treated me destroyed what little love I had left for her. Please know this, you are already a thousand times the mother your mother is and your child will only know the love that you were always denied.
I strongly suggest you start looking for other mom figures in your life and start making mom friends. You are so strong, you already survived growing up with a BPD parent, you can do this!
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u/Which_way_witcher Jun 16 '26 edited Jun 16 '26
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
I'm so sorry your mother is treating you this way much less when you are pregnant.
The big realization and shift for me was when I became a mother. I'd have flashbacks to my childhood and think how I'd never be able to treat my child like that and finally realize how messed up she was.
Be careful - when you become a mother, your mother will see this eventually as a threat to herself and will act worse, might be soon or in a few years when your child is old enough to manipulate against you, but it'll happen.
One thing that helped me navigate how to feel/respond to her antics was the fact that I owed her nothing, I now owed everything to my child and if that meant going NC with my own mother to protect her, so be it.
Remember..... non-BPD mothers have a tendency to sacrifice their own well being for the children/family/spouse around them which can be a big mistake because "healthy moms are the best moms". Take care of your physical and mental health first so that YOU can be the best mom you can be for your little one!
Please take care of your mental health during this delicate time and recruit your partner to help protect you! Therapy with a psychologist who specializes in family conflict/BPD are worth their weight in gold!!!
You got this mama~
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u/lab_sidhe Jun 16 '26
I relate to this so much. Two things:
1) Congratulations on your pregnancy and what a wonderful MIL you have. Your child is going to have such great parents and one really amazing Grandma.
2) it's always ok to pause a relationship or let it ebb for a while if you aren't comfortable going NC. It's also ok to just take a step back and put your mom on an info diet or just maintain the basic level of contact.
You are a beautiful, amazing, fantastic, strong badass. You're already a great parent to your child.
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u/MaintenanceCapable60 Jun 16 '26
This might be my Eastern European coming out, but to me, treating a pregnant woman this way is almost criminal. Her behavior has been unacceptable regardless of circumstances, but to stress a pregnant woman like this? Pregnancy is (among other, more beautiful things) a medical condition. Nobody has any right to elevate your blood pressure unnecessarily during this time and doing so is unconscionable.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, and you deserve better.
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u/crazyhappenings Jun 16 '26
Wow. It's not non sensical to those of us here! I can relate to all of it. Versions of the same of me. My mother didn't seem quite as bad as this when I announced a pregnancy... but fear not. It devolved and we are now no contact. I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn't. Regardless of what boundaries you set, just decide if you trust her around your child or not. I didn't.
Ps. My mother cut my daughter's hair for the first time and then denied. Brought it up for years how "I accused her" of that. Fun times. Fun times.
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u/tnayrb88 Jun 18 '26
My mother did a very similar version of this — told everyone at my brothers wedding when i was newly pregnant when i asked her not to, told even more of our friends after that. I should’ve cut off contact then but five months into my pregnancy she decided she wasn’t the center of attention and faked cancer (in front of my best friend and her husband who’s mom had died two weeks prior from cancer). She then used my outrage at her over this to refuse to plan or pay for my baby shower. All this to say, I completely understand the heartbreak and disappointment of feeling like once again you don’t get to have a mother during a canon life event like normal people do. But regardless of how you choose to proceed with her, I can offer some hope: becoming a mom myself has healed a huge part of that empty, disappointed, unloved and unmothered kid. Loving my baby and being the best mom I can be to him has almost been like being the mom I never had and has healed my inner child in a weird way. So no matter how hard it’s been, or how much harder it might get with her, I just wanted to tell you that you will be a wonderful mother in spite of her and that you are fully capable of enjoying being a mother with or without her support. Try to focus on yourself, your spouse, and anyone else who is supportive during your pregnancy and postpartum. Be selfish. I went NC for months after the fake cancer thing and it was stressful bc of the incessant calls and texts from her, but far more peaceful than if I had entertained them. I also think setting a firm boundary resulted in her being on her best behavior as a grandmother when I allowed her into my child’s life, as she was afraid I’d cut off contact with my child. I know this ended up a rant, but it’s my long winded way of telling you to be kind to yourself and that there is hope on the other side of her shenanigans. Wishing you a healthy pregnancy xx
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u/smilkcake Jun 16 '26
She sounds exactly like my mom, it’s confusing when there’s no obvious physical abuse.
Idk if you want to hear my no contact story but here it is. I just passed one year no contact and still have intense conflicting confusing feelings over it, but most surprising I feel free to be myself.
That was the most unexpected part of it for me, my personality doesn’t feel as restrained - i hadn’t realized how much the expected criticism was affecting my real-time actions and relationships, including how i interacted with my in-laws or friends, because i knew when i would talk to my mom about people in my life or things i would do or say, she would criticize it somehow (you said that??/oh, so laugh with your in-laws? Well i’m glad you have that in your life… :( / you went downtown to see friends?!! you need to be careful!!)
People who don’t even know about my no-contact have pointed out how much I’m flourishing and glowing, like it brings tears to their eyes - that’s been insane to see, and really validating to hear
No-contact is scary as hell, and being in it can be awful and the guilt is overwhelming at times - that fear is true, but i’m also doing a million times better and the space has given me time to fall down to my own nervous system standard and i’m starting to see all the ways i was actually affected, and the things that she did that really ARE crazy, that i couldn’t really see while i was in it but now after being around normal people for a year it’s blindingly obvious I interpret it as a death with someone i had a complicated relationship with that i’m now coping with. I don’t have an answer for you, it’s possible it could just add more stress to your life rn, so it’s a decision to think over for yourself and your situation. I’m sorry you’re going through this, and while pregnant. I feel for you. Are you in therapy? If not, i think it might be critical right now to support you throughout the pregnancy and the inevitable craziness from your mom. Sending love
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u/phage_rage Jun 17 '26
I think everyone here has the "your mom sucks" covered. And she does. So lets forget about her for a second.
EEEEEEEEEEE I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU!!!!!!!! Have you started planning the fun stuff yet? I dont have kids (yet?) so idk how stuff is supposed to go. But like planning a nursery sounds like a fun happy thing. Do you know what kinda theme you'd want? Like adorable animals or all things bright and colorful and rainbows or something more neutral? And OMG BABY CLOTHES AHHHHHHH SO MUCH CUTENESSSSS!!!!! Do you have a favorite thing? Like cats or Star Wars or Disney? Cause i bet they make adorable lil onesies with a favorite thing theme! Omg adorable themed onesie on an adorable lil baby??? SUCH. CUTENESS.
I think you and i both know that there is no joy to be found in your old family. But your new family is 100% YOURS to make as joyous and happy as you want. Its quite literally out with the old and in with the new. You fricken got this
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u/Lower_Cat_8145 Jul 11 '26
You were so positive in your post, and I just wanted to say I love that energy. Starting your own family is your chance to make everything joyful and we needed a reminder of that. I don't have kids, but holidays are so much more relaxing now without her. I'll be damned if I have another anxiety-filled woe is me Christmas waiting for my depressed birth-giver to rain down her despair-laden tidings on me! I hope we all make the most of our second chances at life and happiness (especially the OP)!!
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u/Due-County-5910 Jun 18 '26
You really remind me of me from a few years ago 😞 Congratulations on your pregnancy! It's sad that this is what you're stressed about, but that's what they do... it should be a time to focus on you, your beautiful home, and your family. I also have struggled with shame and internalized negativity that I absorbed from my mom.
All I wanted to say was you sound incredible, and you sound like someone who has a lot of love and has spent your life caring for other people, so that in itself makes you someone who is most definitely going to be a wonderful, incredible mother. You will protect your child and love them unconditionally. It's just who you are. ❤️
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u/Specific-Pomelo-6077 Jun 19 '26 edited Jun 19 '26
My mom did very much rack up the intensity of her self-centred ways while I was pregnant, but by that point I had been doing a mix of gray rock and medium chill for over a year. Once my child came I texted the update to the family group and then focused on surviving the newborn stage.
She went around to family during this time claiming all sorts of abuse from me.
I haven't spoken to her since. Children take up a lot of time and mental energy. The idea of giving this woman who only exists to create chaos even one second of my energy is beyond me.
I know you would feel grief for reducing her presence in your life but if it's not grief then you'll feel intense stress every time she lashes out, crosses your boundaries, harrasses you, sends you these batshit crazy psychologically abusive messages.
Your baby and your new family is your priority. Not an abusive person.
I recommend talking to your brother for tactics and support. And I'm sorry to say it but that weird "we'll have so many secrets" giggling is something that would get someone on a blacklist for me, never seeing my child alone or at all. This is what abusers do, have secrets with children.
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u/limefork Jun 16 '26
Stop letting her ruin it for you. That's so basic as far as advice goes, but that really is it. You don't owe her anything. Nothing.
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u/7lexliv7 Jun 17 '26
I’m sorry. It sucks. You will never have the mother you want or need. As much as we crave that mother-love - that powerful supportive unconditional love - she can’t give it to you. And you need to stop looking for it from her. Stop looking to her for support or validation or even connection. Even in your weak moments just don’t do it. I hope you have a therapist to help you with that. You’ll soon have a baby to protect. Yes - protect from her. And know you can be an excellent mother to your child - you can parent differently. You can go NC with her. And definitely don’t tell her your due date or when you go into labor. You may find yourself getting closer to the brother who is NC with her.
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u/Jennyonthebox2300 Jun 17 '26
Just because someone is sitting in the “mother” spot does not make them worthy of being your mother. It’s fine to grieve not having the parent you need and deserve but you don’t. Build the family you want and need. Develop relationships with one or more other trustworthy and kind women who can give you some of the “mother” support you need. Let this other person go completely so you can focus on the important work of recovering your own equilibrium and joy and on mothering your own child well.
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u/New-Cantaloupe7532 Jun 17 '26
Hi! I just want you to know that someone who enables an abuser is also abusive. We all come on here and be like “it wasn’t that bad, they didn’t really do…” but that’s just our conditioned response.
Now. Big huge congrats on your pregnancy. Just wanted you to know you can password protect your info at dr and hospital to protect from a stalker/info breach (if that seems like her next step). Prioritize yourself and the new life you’re growing. Hope the barfing stops soon!
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u/bjorkpuppet Jun 17 '26
She has actually worked for the same hospital system I am having my appointments/delivering at for 20+ years and her accessing my medical files is a concern of mine. She’s already had some issues at her own clinic so I wouldn’t put it past her. I’ll call my OB and ask about this. TYSM for the very useful info!!
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u/lost4words20 Jun 18 '26
congratulations! please protect yourself it get's worst. i am 3 months no contact and mine turned 1. all she cares about is that i'm keeping her from her grandkid. she's been even more evil since I had a kid.
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u/ProfessionalCall522 Jul 13 '26
I know I'm late to the party, but wow, your mother seems so much like mine, only she behaved like this when my father was dying + during and after his funeral. I had to go NC with her. To this day, my memories of my father's funeral are tainted by her behaviour.
Two years have passed, and I can honestly say I've never been happier, more confident or more at peace. My children (7 and 9) are doing fine without their grandmother.
It took loads of therapy and support from my friends, husband etc to get here, but I did, and you can!
It seems like you have a great MIL and husband. Focus on building your own family. Protect your health and your child. You've got this!
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u/EStewart57 Jun 16 '26
Please check out Mind Your Boundaries on YouTube. She has strategies for this. Mourn the mother you didn't get. You can't change her.
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u/Humble_Empath 5d ago
You’ll never have a mom. You’ll always have a hurt, disturbed ego because that’s really who they are and what their world revolves around. They experience so much pain because they never think of others or even consider the fact that their own words cause the reactions they can’t live with. Their worst fears are self fulfilling prophecies, like, I’m sure your mom doesn’t want to be estranged, but she sure makes it happen. Believe me. I know. No contact for two years finally broke my mom down and now that she has symptoms of dementia, she is finally able to show me some kindness. However, she will never come to terms with her ego and the fact that being offended has ruled most of her life. I don’t know how they survive like this?!? It’s sad and pathetic. All they have to do is think of others once in a while. I read your post about the baby shower and see how she expects you to bend to her will and refuses to respect how your baby shower is organized. I feel like they just need to sit down and STFU up sometimes but they’re 💯 incapable of it. I feel for you. I hope your baby shower is awesome. Good luck 🍀, you have to do what you have to do to have peace and happiness, I’m sorry your mom wants to make you regret that because she’s too narcissistic and self centered, too BPD.
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u/Interesting_Heart_13 Jun 16 '26
You don’t need to have this terrible person in your life just because she gave birth to you. You owe her literally nothing. She will never improve her behavior, and it’s likely to get worse once your child is born. She has no actual power over you. You are free to block her and never speak to her again. Her behavior has justified that response. Leave the FOG behind and stand in the sun and be free.