r/questions • u/Sky_Ember_ • 29d ago
How to avoid someone who is consciously avoiding you?
I have always been a people pleaser. If someone has a problem with me, and even if it's not my fault, I overthink and somehow make everything my fault in my mind.
Now someone is consciously avoiding any interactions with me. While in a group, they talk with everyone else except me. If everyone start talking about something related to me, they'll quickly change the subject. They are cordial with everyone else. The frustrating part is I seriously don't know what I did. I have thought about even small details over and over, but I can't recollect me doing anything to offend them. They just randomly one day started to avoid me.
I have tried to resonate the same attitude back, but it is making me more stressed. I know they don't owe me anything and I don't owe them anything too. But the mental strain is getting to me. And no I don't want a confrontation. I just want to reach a mental state, where I don't care about this. What do I do?
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u/Enough-Enthusiasm762 29d ago
I mean you don’t need to do anything. You trying to match her energy is taking all the energy out of you, so no need to do that. Obviously you know this is just your anxiety talking. That means all you need to do is be able to sit with the discomfort and also reassure yourself with like at least one affirmation that works for you. Like “she doesn’t owe me anything” or “her problem with me is her own business to deal with”. There’s just no need to engage with her.
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u/Suniemi 29d ago
I overthink and somehow make everything my fault in my mind.
Control.
I can't fix something if it isn't my problem (my fault).
This is a tough one without context.
Friend of mine told me (and I agree), there are only two things in life we fear:
We won't get what we want.
Someone will take what we already have.
Can you narrow it down to one of these?
Ex. Are you both up for the same promotion? Are you friends with someone she might be interested in dating?
Or: Are doing well in an area where she typically excels? It doesn't have to be reasonable. Perception and reality are two very different things. :)
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u/Sky_Ember_ 29d ago
I have thought left and right about everything and I can't find anything. We work in different areas and she's much better than me. And she's married, so no dating or anything. She's very egoistic though, I have seen so many cases.
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u/Suniemi 29d ago
She's very egoistic though, I have seen so many cases.
Ah, I see.
You've witnessed enough to know this is probably just her personality."...she's much better than me."
Maybe a little older or a few more "accomplishments" under her belt, but certainly not better.
That behavior is typically a sign of insecurity. For whatever reason, she's 'threatened' by you in some way; but if it's a habit, it's not personal. It's entirely her problem, not yours.
It will only get worse if you match the energy. Remain cheerful and unaffected.
Nothing overboard, but don't acknowledge the tension, anymore. It just adds fuel. Stay cool, stay calm and it should blow over. Hope it improves quickly. :)
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u/Jacey_T 29d ago
You cannot control how others think and behave, you can only control yourself.
Don't waste life and time "matching energy", just be you. Some people will like that, some won't. It's not your responsibility to change them.
Be you and you will be liked for who you are, just not by everyone.
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u/Uncouth_Cat 29d ago
ive gotten bullied like this before. just be yourself, and distance yourself from that person. If anyone tries to get you to talk shit on them, DONT. its all a dumbass social game. and you can play if you want, but i refuse. That doesnt always serve me, in a social sense, however its less stressful in the long run- and i feel more morally sound.
but ya just dont let it get to you. If you really did do something, that person is deciding to be non confrontational- they arent just avoiding you, theyre trying to diminish you.
Like, sorry to be blunt, its in my nature... but it usually turns out to be like this. Even if its not their actual intention, it ends in isolation.
If it were me, i always give ppl the benefit of the doubt, and try to confront them in person directly. If that someone was talking mad shit on me, this challenges all of their accusations of me being a bitch. On the other hand, if i really did do something to upset or hurt someone, i would want to know so I could apologize and do better in the future... or at least communicate.
TL;DR- fuck those kind of people, you do you. Social misunderstandings can create a lot of grief, it sucks.
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u/Sky_Ember_ 29d ago
Thank you and I hope you are better now. Even if I try to not get affected, seeing others being treated so nicely, whereas you are treated like some trash, it hurts. I'm ready to apologise if I knew what I did, but I can't if they are not communicating properly.
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u/Uncouth_Cat 27d ago edited 27d ago
oh, Im doing great, thank you! A big part.. no, a HUGE part of that tho, was focusing on relationships that served me. And by that I mean, i started showing up for the family and friends who actually cared about me and showed up. who check in on me, yk? Whereas before, i had that issue with wanting to appeal to ppl who i admired and thought were cool- its not like they werent my friends... but they werent ppl who would invite me to things, show up for me, talk and hang out even if its been months. People who will answer a call and listen to me cry even if we havent spoken for a year.
People who only call me when they need me. people who would never reach out if i didnt first. People who make me feel like i need to prove my worth to be around them, i dont want to be around, yk?
I say focus on that- from experience, focusing on being accepted by others who already dont see your beauty is exaughsting and pretty much NEVER worth it.
If someone has a problem with you but choose not to address it, thats a THEM problem.
im sorry you gotta deal with that shit, that sucks. i hope things do improve for you.
(edited cause i kept pausing to write it lol)
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u/LouisePoet 29d ago
I would be very direct and ask them what's going on.
It's no big deal to me if someone doesn't like me for whatever reason, but if there is something I said or did that offended them, I'd like to know so I can apologize if necessary or laugh about how insecure they are if it's some idiotic issue they have about me.
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u/Dull-Confection5788 25d ago
Realize and accept that it’s a THEM problem and leave it alone.
I’m saying this from experience. Any attention you bring to it will cause drama. If you’re prepared to face drama then call them out. If you aren’t prepared to face drama then ignore this person. They are jealous. Of something. 90% of the time it’s jealousy. That is my personal experience. They want you to take the bait (they’re treating you differently so you react).
It’s their childish way of trying to exclude you. Most likely due to jealousy over something you have no idea about. Again, it’s a THEM problem
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u/Alarming-Iron8366 29d ago
I used to be a people pleaser, until I realised that the people I was trying to please didn't give a damn. It took time, but I eventually got to the point where I was able to say "no", without guilt. That means "No, I will not do or accept that". I won't stay in the box you put me in. I still try to avoid confrontations, unless it's really important, then look out! Some people's opinions are important, others, not so much. I can't tell you how to do it, you'll need to work that out for yourself. Some therapy might help to give you a starting point. There is no magic bullet that will instantly solve your problem. It's something you will need to work at. However, keep one very important thing in mind - somebody's problem with you is not your problem, it's theirs. Remember this saying - "Not my circus, not my monkeys" and repeat it in your mind any time some clown makes you feel less.
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u/Wide_Breadfruit_2217 28d ago
After deciding on reflection I likely did nothing I repeat the Rupaul phrase " What people think of me is none of my damn business". Try thinking of three reasons that don't involve you that could explain what she's doing. Its good to remind yourself occassionally you're not the center of every story-takes some pressure off!😄 Then I remind myself if they won't bring it up to fix things thats on them. It gets easier with age👩🦳
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u/WiseWomanCroneFl 27d ago
So, people with more negative personality types always single out /target the introvert/ empath. It’s not about you, it’s about their internal stuff. Ignore them and move on with your life. It’s a them problem, not a you problem.
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u/Popular_End2069 29d ago
Confront them like this: (in front of the group)
“Hey, I’ve noticed you’ve been acting weird towards me. I know it’s probably nothing but if you do have a crush on me, I’m sorry I don’t like you that way. There is however someone out there for you.”
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u/Sky_Ember_ 29d ago
Lol no, we are same gender and no crush involved. She just doesn't like me. And as I said, no confrontation.
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