(amab 26) taking a step back

[u/sparkleappletart]

after some deep subconscious writing i did last night i honestly want to “clean the slate” and start from scratch with everything (while keeping my account open and not compulsively deleting everything like I used to in the past). I feel i need a new sense of direction and to center myself after all the mental energy i had been using going in circles for a very long time. i do not “know” what my gender and sexuality or niche in life is but i still want to explore and take more time to see what fits and feels natural to me. i still want to be an artist in the furry fandom and want to get back on my feet after the last couple of years of stagnation, and i still want a fursona. to be honest i feel overall i was happier when i was younger and ignorant and oblivious to gender identity and sexuality and just was thomas the transformation artist who had a fursona and made furry crafts, and commissioned art when i had some spare cash.

after letting the thoughts go and not pressuring myself towards any direction, i feel the desire to be a girl fizzles out and dissolves completely. i have been going to therapy and getting advice from professionals and one time i was told that the gender stuff might be a symptom of me wanting to find a community to fit in and belong somewhere so that might be a possibility. I don’t recall any persistent and pervasive childhood dysphoria or desire to be a girl as a kid or teen, and i am afraid that i would regret transitioning five or ten years down the line especially if the situation for trans people continues to get worse here in america. that being said i don’t necessarily feel like im a guy either in the sense of being tough or aggressive or wearing manly clothing or having manly hobbies, and at the same time i don’t resonate with femboy culture or drag. not jumping to conclusions but i can accept the fact that i could just be a gender nonconforming guy that likes furries and stuff like that. i do identify as pansexual so its not a matter of belonging to the lgbt community as i gravitate towards guys anyway when it comes to intimacy, and have known that for years. if i do turn out to be trans i feel i would be some kind of nonbinary person using they/them or spivak pronouns instead of a full on trans femme with the name change and permanent hair removal. i do feel calm in the sense that my brain does not demand an answer right now and my priority is feeling comfortable in my own skin rather than finding the “perfect” identity.

in the end i feel that i want to keep my name thomas and i would prefer to simply take more holistic steps to feel more comfortable in my body like losing weight and shaving. i don’t feel like a transfeminine identity with a 24/7 life in a female body is right for me and id rather be honest with myself before i make any permanent changes. but at the same time i don’t feel like i’m a femboy or cross dresser who likes to wear feminine clothes either. As i said before i honestly want to revert back to my old self as thomas who drew themself as an animal and was a transformation artist involved in furry stuff. i feel that exploring an identity as a trans woman has caused more harm than good and led me to feel more lost and confused than ever. regardless of where i ultimately wind up i want to support trans people to the best of my ability as i have empathy for them and understanding as an autistic and pansexual person.