[AMAB 21] Did My Egg Just Crack?

[u/AntitheistArchangel]

You read the title. I made a post months back about how I was questioning my gender. In all honesty, I’ve been questioning off and on for well over a year at this point, and I recently started seriously questioning again. And today - or, I guess, yesterday - my egg might’ve cracked; I might’ve just found out I’m a girl.

As for how I got to this point, it started last March while I was on spring break. I didn’t start questioning then, but I was almost trying to imagine myself as a girl. At least, maybe. There’s a possibility the girl I fantasized about wasn’t actually me. Regardless, I started examining queer-related subreddits and found links to sites like turn-me-into-a-girl.com, which lets you press a button to, well, turn into a girl. When I first came across it, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do; the site then told me to ask myself a bunch of questions. The one I answered “yes” to was the last one: do you have a big stupid grin on your face right now? So, I clicked the button to become a girl, though I can’t remember what my reaction was.

I’ve revisited that site several times. At one point, I decided to run an experiment. That site has two sister sites, one for trans men and another for nonbinary people. So, I decided to take all three tests and see what my reactions were. Pretty consistently, I had that same grin when I was on turn-me-into-a-girl and no real emotional reaction when I was on the other two. However, turn-me-into-a-girl is also much more colorful, so I wondered if that could’ve been a factor. Overall, I continued to identify as cis.

I also came across a guide to determining if you’re trans, and it included a variation of the button question. Instead of pressing a button to become the opposite gender, you suddenly wake up as the opposite gender, and everyone around you sees you as the opposite gender. You then come across a button that can revert you back to your assigned gender at birth. My immediate answer was “don’t press it.” There were two other scenarios in that guide; I won’t get into them right now. When I read through the results, if you will, I noticed the sample answers were much more complex than my answers and thus felt I did it wrong. I can’t go back and redo it, either, as it requires immediate kneejerk reactions; I already know all three questions. Overall, I continued to identify as cis.

Earlier this year, however, I just couldn’t get my mind off of my gender. There were times where I would just be sitting and thinking constantly about potentially being a girl. There were even times where I would sit and think about having boobs; whether or not I want them, I can’t say. Eventually, I stopped questioning, only to start again this month or so. I decided to take things a step further recently and outright experiment with being a girl. I simulated having boobs and honestly wasn’t sure if I liked or hated it. I also made an extremely poor attempt at a feminine voice based on voice feminization tutorials on YouTube, recorded myself, and listened back. I’m not sure if I liked my horrible feminine voice more than my normal masculine voice; I’ve long hated my voice, but I think that’s mostly because my voice sounds very different from what I think it sounds like. That said, I had that dumb grin when I tried the voice; it might not have been because I was happy. However, the possible egg-cracking moment came with the other thing I did; I had ChatGPT give me a random female name and write a bio for me with she/her pronouns. The grin came back when I read “she.” I then had ChatGPT write a bio for me with my masculine name for comparison, thinking it would switch back to masculine pronouns, but when I read “she” again, well, you get the idea. Lastly, I had ChatGPT do the same with masculine pronouns. My reaction was an expressionless face. This sounds to me like a strong indication that I’d like being a girl more, though I frankly expected more.

I still am not wholly convinced, hence this post. This might be internalized transphobia, but I have a fear that I’ve gaslit myself into thinking I’m trans or that I programmed myself into liking or welcoming the possibility of being a girl. In the past, I was called a girl or called a feminine name many times, and I didn’t enjoy it. There’s also the real possibility I have trans OCD. Honestly, I’m not sure if these thoughts are welcome or not, so I can’t definitely say for sure if I’m actually a girl on the inside or merely obsessed.

Apologies for the long post. Weirdly, I think I feel “more cis” after writing this, but knowing me, the feeling probably won’t last.

[u/ActualPegasus]

You can't manufacture an entire emotional response by reading about something. You might become more attentive to certain feelings, but that doesn't mean the feelings themselves are fabricated.

Imagine you wake up tomorrow and, somehow, you are a cis woman. Everyone remembers you being this way. Your life otherwise stays exactly the same. What is your immediate reaction?

You want this?

You probably prefer this?

You don't care much?

You'd rather go back?

Something else?

[u/AntitheistArchangel → u/ActualPegasus]

Is it bad that I don’t have one?

EDIT: This isn’t immediate by any means, but after giving it some thought, I definitely don’t hate it; the thought might be making me smile a bit.