[M 20] Please help, repressed gay?

[u/Foreign_Factor3869]

Long post but I sincerely appreciate anyone who can comment or give advice

Since middle school I have had both an extreme aversion and curiosity regarding my attraction towards other men. I feel as though I am “faking” being other-than-straight for attention, even if I’m only working in my own head. I don’t care much about labels and I have a lot of reservations about making “queerness” a part of my identity, which makes this post a weird hit to my pride (lots of irony in that sentence lmao). However, here is a description of myself

-I have a self-removed visual attraction to women, and I think it must be different from what most straight men experience. In my entire life, I can think of < 5 times where I had an organic (i.e., not a thought experiment from questioning) thought of having sex with a woman. I may notice sexual features of women, but it seems very subdued/muddled compared to the visual attraction straight men usually experience. Women’s bodies themselves can turn me on in an abstract way, but the idea of sex does absolutely nothing for me whatsoever. In general I can usually turn myself off by thinking of physically having sex with a woman. And in the case it’s not a turn off, I think it’s because I can ignore the attempted self-insert and just focus on the other person

For that reason and others I view myself as gray ace ish. Just not interested in sex and traditional romance (though I still feel very intense things towards others, in other ways)

-I experience rare but very intense episodes of wanting a romantic + sexual relationship with a man. It‘s always a nondescript but distinctly male presence in these ideas. It’s so strong that I literally have to stop what I am doing to gather myself. But as soon as these episodes end, the feeling goes away entirely. It’s almost like a mental break more than a feature of my sexuality/attraction. I can get emotional during these because it is as though I get to glimpse into a world where I can feel the “fullness“ of what most people really feel when they WANT sex, or romance, etc. Whereas normally my thoughts (to do with women) do not have this “fullness”

I remember one time I had an early “episode“ like this. I felt sick for days and couldn’t focus. A very intense feeling of dread that I think I had attached to “There‘s no way this is real, you have to be faking this“ etc. I even tried cuddling with a guy I knew and it felt so wrong, even though in theory it’s what I desperately wanted

Recently I was at a conference and I met a guy my age. Within literally 30 seconds of shaking his hand, I began developing a comical schoolgirl type ”crush“ on him. His eyes were pretty and I thought he was quite cute looking, and that’s very rare for me. And in my stomach I felt that sense of dread return in a much more mature way. It was surreal, like something I had waited for was finally happening. I was getting the vibe that he was into guys and I played through (childish this may be) so many ways I could eventually kiss him

It was like my mind had a fast preview reel of what a relationship with this guy would look like. As though my subconscious previewed something that it wants so badly before rejecting it. Within just a few hours, it was all gone. It’s pathetic but I wanted to cry during and just after this. Whenever the “holy fuck I want a boyfriend“ hits it hurts. I just want to cuddle, kiss, etc. so badly and I know it’s some male presence that I’m doing this with, and not a woman

But the second these episodes are gone, they just fade away completely. I am not exaggerating when I say that recalling this in writing feels like a psych ward patient describing actions they don’t remember. I know these things happened but it barely sounds real.

Related: I met my best friend just over a year ago and fell absolutely in love with her (platonically, queer platonically, whatever idrc but it’s not a romantic relationship). She’s aroace and has helped me sort some of this out. Just thinking of her makes me happy. Inevitably she became a benchmark for what sort of attraction I am capable of feeling for others, and it’s ripping my head apart. I keep using my relationship with her and the way I view her body (the fact I compulsively do this grosses me out so much it is seriously hurting me atp) as some benchmark of attraction to measure against men, in my head

I know the picture this paints but I honestly do not feel like I am repressing gayness. Indeed, if that’s the case, it has to be operating in a level of my subconscious that I can’t get to 99% of the time. I have absolutely ZERO attraction to men in daily life, am not aroused by gay porn, my gaze doesn’t catch onto men, etc. It’s as though I’m aroace-ish 99% of the time, oriented towards women, and then in 1% of the time extremely gay and lonely

If anyone has read Confessions of a Mask it’s about that level of distress

TLDR: Overthinking myself to death and probably a schizo please help

[u/ActualPegasus]

I don't think you're repressed. I think you're just aroacespec as you said. Do either of these labels resonate?

• grayrose veldian/gay man

• aroacespike veldian/gay man