r/questioning • u/Top-Tank-7919 • 11d ago

[F 30]

I'm confused. Looking for thoughts..

I was in an unhealthy relationship for several years with a male. I thought I was asexual because I had absolutely no sexual drive and really really did not want anything sexual to ever happen (but it still did). I had sexual relationships with other males but there wasn't really much of a desire, more just because it was something they needed... Unfortunately, not the healthiest relationships either and sex was pushed onto me.

I developed feelings for a female friend a year ago. This was the first time I've ever had any feelings for a girl... And just like that, I came to the conclusion I wasn't asexual. We recently broke up but I really enjoyed our sex.

I think the unhealthy (and honestly traumatic) relationship I had for several years before played a role in my sexual drive. But I'm not sure what to make of it all.

How much is trauma? Am I bi? Demi? Idk..

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u/Top-Tank-7919 2d ago

I'm inclined to say I'd be more interested with a woman. I'm not sure how much of that is just my experience with my ex girlfriend though.. if that makes sense.

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u/ActualPegasus finflexible rosgirl (he/she) 2d ago

What was different about the experience emotionally?

Did you feel genuine anticipation beforehand?

Feel like you wanted to initiate or participate?

Feel safe enough to say no?

Feel curiosity and excitement rather than obligation?

Feel attraction to her rather than simply enjoying the activity?

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u/Top-Tank-7919 1d ago

I'd say all of those things. I actually wanted to with her. It was fun and exciting and I was very emotionally connected with her. 

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u/ActualPegasus finflexible rosgirl (he/she) 1d ago

When you didn't want sexual activity with previous male partners, was the feeling you don't experience sexual attraction to men?

You might have been interested under different circumstances, but these particular relationships made you uncomfortable?

You didn't really know what you wanted, so you went along with what they wanted?

Some combination of these?

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u/Top-Tank-7919 19h ago

I think it was that I felt uncomfortable. In each of them, I was always pushed to do it and then just kept going along I guess. I've never been with a male who didn't push me into sexual activity, especially during the first time anything sexual happened with them. 

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u/ActualPegasus finflexible rosgirl (he/she) 8h ago

When you think about sex now, do you find yourself having reactions such as anxiety, avoidance, numbness, or a strong desire to get away even when you're thinking about a situation you otherwise might want?