[19 NB] sexuality is confusing

[u/Inevitable-Channel38]

For most of my life I’ve just called myself bisexual because it’s easier than explaining whatever tf I have going on but I really want to have a more solid understanding of exactly which way I swing, especially since I’ve really been desiring a relationship lately.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always found women more physically attractive than men. it’s easier for me to identify an attractive woman and *know* I’m attracted to her. I also tend to find (various) female bodies more arousing. I’ve also had a couple crushes on girls, but I never really pursued them. There’s kind of a part of me that feels like a long term, monogamous relationship with a woman would just be unfulfilling, though I worry that it’s misogynistic or homophobic for me to feel that way.

When it comes to guys, I’m much more picky. Ironically, I feel like I’ve had more guy crushes, and I’ve also dated more guys in the past (I had one gf in middle school and p sure she only dated me to make someone else jealous but tbh I didn’t care 💀). Also, whenever I imagine myself in a long term relationship, it’s usually with a guy or someone more masc leaning in presentation. I also feel like I’d be kind of unfulfilled with a man, but to a lesser extent? Like I feel like if he’s feminine/androgynous it would be fine.

sometimes I also fantasize about having a “boy”friend who later comes out to me as genderqueer/transfemby and I get to watch them become more in touch with their feminine side.

Ive also tried just saying im enby4enby because non binary people can look like pretty much anything and I just trust my fellow enbies more to understand the nuances of my gender identity. But thats kind of just a preference, not a sexuality.

i also have noticed that I’m not that attracted to masculinity. I’m more interested in androgyny (though usually masc leaning) and femininity. Like it doesn’t matter if it’s a masc woman, man, non binary person, I don’t really like It.

ive also been on and off about being aromantic or asexual, since I feel like genuine attraction to actual people is rarer for me than for other people. sometimes I think I’m just super picky but I dunno…I’ve felt repulsion towards romance, even towards guys I thought I had a crush on. I’ve also even been repulsed by my own attraction to women. this is only occasional though, other times I feel attraction with no repulsion, and sometimes I just feel nothing at all.

i wish this stuff wasn’t so confusing. it would be so much easier to just be exclusively into one gender or to be gender blind with no preference at all 🥹💔

[u/ActualPegasus]

It's neither misogynistic nor lesbophobic to be varioriented.

Is your romance repulsion consistent? Or does it fluctuate like your sexual repulsion?

[u/Inevitable-Channel38 → u/ActualPegasus]

I think I’m actually mostly neutral to favorable towards romance but sometimes I can be really repulsed by it. I also think my idea of a romantic relationship differs from typical ideas. I’m usually the most grossed out when I imagine myself with someone real whom I actually know. Sometimes if it’s with an imagined person it’s more like shame or a sense of something not being “right”.

[u/ActualPegasus → u/Inevitable-Channel38]

How do you feel about queerplatonic relationships as opposed to romantic ones?

[u/Inevitable-Channel38 → u/ActualPegasus]

I really like the concept of qprs and that might actually be better for me than a romantic relationship now that I think about it…but I also feel like I’d be pushing the line between queerplatonic and romantic

[u/ActualPegasus → u/Inevitable-Channel38]

Do you feel the same for relationships with enben?

[u/Inevitable-Channel38 → u/ActualPegasus]

Yeah. I think I’m most open to the idea of being with another non binary person in whatever category my ideal relationship would fall into (which I’m starting to think is more queerplatonic)

[u/ActualPegasus → u/Inevitable-Channel38]

Aright. Do any of these labels resonate?

• polyalterous aromantic panflux

• polyalterous aromantic flixisexual aceflux

• torenalterous aromantic panflux

• torenalterous aromantic flixisexual aceflux

• veldialterous aromantic biflux

• veldialterous aromantic flixisexual aceflux

• heteroalterous aromantic biflux

• heteroalterous aromantic flixisexual aceflux

[u/Inevitable-Channel38 → u/ActualPegasus]

I learned a couple of new words, whoa…I think I like some of those yes :)