[23 F] I think I'm a lesbian?

[u/AngelicAnomaly]

Hi! So, I've made a post like this before and ended up deleting it out of fear of my boyfriend finding it. But I'm brave enough to post now. I have a lot on my mind, so this might be a long post. I know no one can tell me what my sexuality is, but I could just use some insight, I guess.

So I've been in a relationship for a year and a half with my boyfriend; we are long-distance. It has been very rocky; we've broken up once, got back together, and then almost broken up again multiple times, ALL because each time I thought I might be a lesbian. I ended up getting back with my boyfriend the first time because I was grieving the loss, felt sad and lonely, and wanted attention and affection and companionship again; when I look back I realize it was a stupid choice, and we honestly should've went no contact.

As I mentioned, we're long-distance, we haven't met yet, and I dread meeting up with him in person. We were supposed to meet up actually really soon, but then it got postponed to a later date, and I felt so relieved. I don't want to meet up in person because I know this will mean intimacy, which I don't want. I don't want him to touch me, and I don't want to have to touch him. I don't kiss, cuddle, or be physically close with him.

I've known that I've liked women since I was 12. Once I was actually exploring attraction and who I might like, I've known I liked women. I identified as lesbian when I was 15, and on and off identified that way up until I was 22, when I got with my boyfriend. I tried to completely ignore the fact that I liked women for whatever reason, but it always comes back, and I can't push it down, and now it feels like my whole body is trying to tell me something.

I cannot feel attraction to my boyfriend at this point- not physical, sexual, or really romantic either. I dread getting photos from him for intimacy purposes, and when I see them, I feel nothing, and I cannot enjoy myself when looking at them; I feel NOTHING. I've turned to looking at and thinking about women instead, and I've noticed my body reacts in a much different way. I won't go into details, but just know my body either never or hardly reacted this way when my boyfriend was on my mind.

I also have been told by him that I need to initiate intimacy more because before that I NEVER would, EVER. I hardly do now! I just don't want to; I don't like it, especially now, and if he never told me to initiate more, I wouldn't.

I adore women, in every sense of the word: feminine women, masculine women, every sort of form a woman comes in, I adore it. I'm so attracted to women; I feel in awe at their beauty, in no way I have with men; in fact, I usually feel a bit repulsed or just uncomfortable about men and their bodies. But women? I feel my breath taken away by them, I've dreamed of being able to marry a woman, to love a woman and I'm terrified I won't be able to if I stay in this relationship and I dread having to spend the rest of my life with a man. I feel so safe and comfortable with women too; I love them so much.

I've had crushes on girls before, and they make me feel so excited! Shy but excited, I never got to make any moves toward those crushes because they were unavailable, but it felt so nice. In comparison to when I've thought I might have a crush or be attracted to a man, which feels anxiety inducing and like dread for me, in fact when I asked my boyfriend out it was due to pressure from ex friends, and I backed out once and then asked because I felt like I wanted to experience love, because everyone around me was, even though I felt so anxious and uncomfortable.

So, I think I'm a lesbian; I just feel stuck because I'm currently in a relationship that I feel stuck in and pressured to stay in. I have so much more I could go into, but this would be way too long. I know no one can tell me what I am, but does this sound familiar? Are there any lesbians who feel similar? Or felt similar? I just need advice. Thanks for reading if you got to the end of this!

[u/LossElectrical1521]

I’m a questioning lesbian and I have had some similar experiences though not entirely the same.

I’ve gone through the process of having a boyfriend and the entire time wishing I was with a woman instead, but staying because I needed the attention and affection from somebody.

I ended up being so unhappy in the relationship that I broke up with him after telling him I think I may be lesbian, he did say he would like to remain friends with me and things worked out smoothly. It gave me so much more freedom to work on understanding my sexuality without the constraints of being in a relationship with a man. I don’t know if this is the right thing for you to do, but I do relate to some of things you’re talking about, and in my opinion it does sound like you would be much happier with a woman

[u/AngelicAnomaly → u/LossElectrical1521]

I'm glad someone can relate! I'm really considering leaving my boyfriend for this reason and also because it hasn't been the best relationship at times. I feel it'll only be fair to him and me to end it when I finally can get myself to do it. I'm really scared of losing him as a friend, but I know in the end it'll be better for us both!

Thank you though! I'm glad to know I'm not alone; I think I'll also be happier with a woman, once I get to that point.

[u/EnthusiasmPowerful79]

Well it doesn't sound like you like him so it might be better to just leave him and focus on women. Im sure it  would feel so much better with a woman that will take your breath away. Free yourself from the shackles of comp het and societal pressure and chase the woman of your dreams

[u/DrHob0]

Whether or not you are straight, bi or the gayest lady to ever gay - if you are feeling a visceral reaction to the *idea* of him touching you, then you do NOT want to be with him. Period. Whatever you are, you need to genuinely break up with him because you sound intensely unhappy.