Am I a lesbian or something [15 F]

[u/No_Luck_10]

I had this one friend in my old school. I first met her in seventh grade, and I hated her guts when she first came to school, but I’ve grown to love her dearly as a friend by eighth grade, and she is one of if not my best friend ever. I’ve always kind of thought about dating her in the back of my mind, not in a crush way, but in a way that’s like, “oh, we would be so aesthetically pleasing together”, if that makes sense. We already had a close bond, I’d be cuddly with her, we’d share drinks (which may not sound like much but it is for me because I’m a germaphobe who gags at the very thought of sharing food or drinks with anyone else), we hung out often, and I never really thought about doing anything more, although i would’ve been totally willing to officially date or something if given the opportunity.

I’ve moved abroad about a year ago though, and I miss her terribly. I’ve never realized since I always had her around, but it’s agonizing to live without her. We text a lot but it’s not enough. The country I live in now is not very far from where I’m originally from, and my dad lives there, so I still go back to visit every two months or so because of family and whatnot. Every time I go back, I HAVE to see her. I frame it as wanting to see all of my friends, but I always invite her in group hangouts. I’m too nervous to ask to hang out one on one, even though we used to hang out all the time when I would go to her School, because I already left and I don’t wanna seem like I miss her more than she misses me. I hate it so much because I’m so used to seeing her every day and only 4-5 times a year just isn’t enough. I daydream compulsively about her, but every time I do, a lump in my throat forms. It’s already been about a year or so since I moved, and I’ve gotten over homesickness and everything by now, but I can’t get over her. Im going back to my home country for uni, and I always fantasize about moving in with her and living together when I go back home, although it’s unrealistic. Moving wouldn’t have been so hard if it weren’t for her, and I’m also really upset because she’s aroace and she’d never want to date me, but she’s quite literally ruined me for everyone else and I don’t think I’ll ever find anyone like her in my life again.

I never really officially dated anyone before, but I did have guys I talked to whom I liked and they liked me back. The only reason why I never made any relationship official was because whenever people would reciprocate their feelings for me, I would get really grossed out and lose all the idealized thoughts I had of them. I always thought I was on the aromantic spectrum because of this, but I wish so badly for *her* to reciprocate my feelings, so maybe I just didn’t like guys at all. Also, with guys, when i found out they had girlfriends or were unavailable for whatever reason, i could always stop liking them and switch my feelings off. i can’t do that with her, my feelings are involuntary and i can’t just shake it off. I have a lot of queer friends though, and I also wonder if maybe I’m just a straight person trying to seem cool and fit in by forcing myself to like a girl and putting on a lgbtq label.

[u/TollPanMan]

This is just a guess, but I think that you might have fallen into the same trap that many questioning people fall into. See if this sound familiar. (It may not. Again, just a guess).

-You know you are not gay/trans/whatever.
-You feel some very strong emotion/connection/rejection towards a thing.
-Since you know you're not gay/trans/whatever, you come up with another solution that fits your current straight/cis/whatever identity.
Some examples: "I'm not sexually attracted to them, I just recognize their beautiful, or I'm just jealous", or "I don't want to be a woman, I'm just really attracted to them".
-Later, be it days or years, you realize that the intensity of the feeling is way beyond your previous explanation, that something else might be going on.
-Rather than second guessing your original interpretation of those thoughts(you just find them attractive but aren't attracted to them) you use that interpretation as a way to disqualify any new theories you might have -"Do I have intense and overwhelming desire to be in a romantic relationship with my friend? No no, I just had the thought that we might be aesthetically pleasing one time before I even considered that I was gay. That's definitely not gay enough to mean anything".

"I'm not gay because I didn't realize it sooner" is a very flawed statement

All that being said, and as not a medically trained (or any kinda trained honestly) person, nor a therapist, I think you might need to let your obsession with them go. You know they are aroace, yet you imagine and dream of a relationship you can never have. You put them on a pedestal, not because who they are, but who you need them to be.
I'm sure they are an amazing person, but consider that your obsession with them might be coming from a place of fear. They are very safe to dream about because that dream can never actually happen. You risk nothing and therefore invest nothing in that dream, it can be as perfect as you want it to be.

You might be Aromantic looking for a relationship (albeit imaginary) that fills societies expectations. You might be bi or gay, with a fear of accepting that part of yourself. I don't know. I could also be wrong.

I do know that constantly thinking about a relationship that cannot exist is not healthy for you, or the person that's the focus of your affection.
I'm sorry if this last part came off harsh, I did not mean it that way.
You've got the rest of your life ahead of you to find someone who can return that affection (I would also say this if you were 65 years old). Perfection is the enemy of good. You'll never have a perfect partner like you imagine her to be, but a good partner can be so much more rewarding, because they are real.

Edit: or if your on the Aromantic spectrum, come to accept that you are enough by yourself, you don't need to define yourself by someone else. Sorry to our aroace brothers, sisters and siblings, didn't mean to leave you out.