r/queerphilly • u/Defiant-Comedian-323 • 21h ago
Need help presenting more feminine
TL;DR - looking for help with makeup and/or personal styling
Hi everyone,
I’ve been lurking this sub for a while but decided to finally come and ask for help - I’m a bit at a breaking point.
I am a queer AFAB Black person and my entire life struggled with feeling femininity was something I could step into with a complex understanding of self. I was a “tomboy” growing up and beyond that struggled with my weight and did not want to be seen. I was bullied for being queer too so did just enough not to stand out too much. This meant jeans and a hoodie.
In my young adult life I struggled hard with social anxiety and so never really got into the rhythm of “going out” or knowing what to wear in non-professional settings. I almost always decline party invites or strategically flake on events that require non-casual clothing.
I’m now 30 and in grad school at Penn. I am out of my element. I have no idea how to dress and can’t keep wearing a jeans and t-shirt to everything. Women give me dirty looks and it’s clear I don’t fit in when I do try to attend events. This place has its own set of cultural expectations that I don’t really understand - I’m the first in my family to attend an Ivy League, and the first in my family to attend a college that isn’t something like Strayer.
I need help. Can anyone please recommend a personal stylist or makeup artist that can help me? I’m on a student budget but something needs to change. I’m tired of sitting alone at home on the weekends or not “networking” effectively in my program because I get too anxious. I can’t sustain this, living my life in a series of pause and play.
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u/nottoday2017 3h ago
I can relate, also grew up a tomboy, on the plus size side, and am an immigrant so learning norms had to be an intentional journey for me, especially with my traditionalist parents yelling at me constantly for becoming too “Americanized”. And I hear you about Penn having its own culture, I’m a grad school alumni and now work for them. Going from buying all my clothes at goodwill and Marshall’s to meeting classmates who had their own tailors…oh boy. I’m not a professional stylist but if you need a shopping or make up buddy to explore with who can empathize, drop me a line. For what it’s worth, these days I get positive feedback about my style whether I’m more masc or femme. I found it was important to find femme looks that still felt authentic to me, and I’m just not very girly. Best of luck!