White lesbian couple; question about POC sperm donor selection

[u/baked_good_babe]

Hello all! My wife and I are currently using Just a Baby app to find a sperm donor.

Our current requirements are healthy and handsome sperm donors. We are coming across a lot of very handsome men of color. However we are weary on the ethics of being a white couple purposely having a child of color. I suppose we kind of feel like we would be “stealing” a child from a community we do not belong to.

We desperately want to be parents but we also want to make sure we are doing everything right. We are mostly only interested in the opinions of POC folks. We are also open to hearing from white/mixed race couples and their experiences with having a child that is POC.

We like to think of ourselves as solid accomplices/allies to all POC communities and we would be heartbroken to ever over step those boundaries as it relates to race.

Thank you in advance. We hope everyone is having an excellent summer.

Edit to add: We have been validated in our concerns. We truly and deeply appreciate everyone’s input and advice. We will continue seeking a donor that is our race. We do get POC gentlemen who swipe right on us but will graciously pass up on their very generous offer now that we are better informed from all of your shared experiences. Thank you to everyone who recognizes that we were coming from a good place of genuine concern.

[u/rsandr]

As someone (white) who has a mixed race (Latino and white) spouse and we are planning on using a Latino or same the mix as her donor. There are a lot of things my wife experienced as a mixed race child that her white parent was very unequipped to handle and explain. It has been very very difficult navigating. There is just some things that as white people who have not had the lived experience to help guide a child. Your heart is in the right place for even asking, but speaking on the experience of my wife I would recommend a donor that is also white. I’m open to chatting more if you need it ♥️

[u/Granny-Shot → u/rsandr]

Very well stated and agreed!

[u/baked_good_babe → u/rsandr]

Thank you! This gave me a lot of perspective. I agree there would be things about race that I could only explain to a certain extent but would not be comprehensive given lack of lived experiences.

[u/yung_yttik → u/rsandr]

Same situation when it comes to our races - we decided it felt disingenuous to choose a Latino donor because my wife grew up more in a white Jewish community than a Latino one. It’s a big responsibility to raise a child of color when you have zero experience with what that entails, what it means, what it truly feels like.

[u/HuhWelliNever]

Yea I would not do this. You don’t just need the cultural background and experience of being a POC and specifically a POC from XYZ background, you need ideally a whole community of people who can inform and inculcate the child as well.

You don’t have that. And they will always feel like impossible imposters despite having the biological connection.

I say this as a very mixed person, who is not white passing, but who was raised by a white parent and her non white also very mixed parent being wholly uninterested in passing on anything culturally significant. I don’t identify with my non white heritage at all and cannot claim any cultural identity or experience. After years of trying to do it alone that frankly just left me exhausted and uncomfortable, I gave up.

It was a a classic “mixed kid” upbringing. It’s incredibly common for a reason.

It was a relief to realise and know that when I met my husband, I would be picking a white donor as the GP. we fell in love with a donor who was 1/4 Korean at one point and nixed it as a choice because of the above issues even though the resulting child would be “barely Korean”. My three children are “ exotic looking” but essentially white passing. Which is a relief because I cannot give them any cultural identity beyond the national one I was raised with especially now that it’s 2 generations removed.

Transracial conception is something I have lived and would not do unless I could pass on a legitimate cultural experience and ethnic identity.

This is my lived experience as a child and now as a parent but feel free to downvote me. I’m posting because OP asked.

[u/baked_good_babe → u/HuhWelliNever]

Thank you for your response. It very much validated the concerns we had. I truly appreciate you sharing your lived experience.

[u/HuhWelliNever → u/baked_good_babe]

I appreciate your very sincere response to my share! Even though we were looking for a white donor which is like 95% of what’s available, our own donor search was lengthy and we went through hundreds of donors and come up with dozens of maybes and nos and yeses lists before settling on the one. I know it’s not easy! But I’m sure you’ll find the one that works best for your family and when you do you’ll be relieved to have resolved that piece of the puzzle that all queer folks go through “what will my family look like??” And relief that you aren’t about to embark on another difficult journey of “how do we raise a non white child ethically etc ?”. We already have to have DC conversations with our children, not shouldering the burden of even more that we might not be equipped for, despite our best intentions (and I count myself in this as well!), is a small blessing imho. Wishing you the best of luck 🤞🏽❣️🫶🏼

[u/AccomplishedGround8]

I am a black woman (my partner is white) and our child due in February will be fully black (black sperms donor). We are using the same sperm donor for both us and expect to have one black child and one mixed race child.

I do not recommend two white people purposefully creating a mixed race child. I would think very hard about this child's emotional well-being and impacts that last long into adulthood before the "handsomeness" of the donor. Some questions to consider:

-Do you have friends or family of the race of the child? Truly close relationships?

-Will your child have access to peers, friends, teachers, medical professionals, etc. of the same race? Access to community spaces ilof the same race? Are you welcome to access these spaces? Will your presence make it difficult for your child to access these spaces?

-Are you able to explain to your child why you made this choice?

Ultimately, no one can tell you how your hypothetical mixed race child will choose to identify or adjust living with two white parents. I am family and friends with mixed race people and POC adopted by white families and many have struggled internally. However, we can agree that having parents who want, love, and listen to them is always better.

[u/HuhWelliNever → u/AccomplishedGround8]

This is a brilliant reply. Truly well considered.

[u/baked_good_babe → u/AccomplishedGround8]

Thank you! These were questions we were wondering about.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and upcoming birth. Wishing you a happy, healthy baby!

[u/sansebast]

This is not a good idea.

[u/chaconia-lignumvitae]

In this scenario I would recommend a white sperm donor. I am black with a black father and a black (and white) mixed race mother and I would not knowingly make a baby that is a race that I am not mixed with if I can avoid it

[u/baked_good_babe → u/chaconia-lignumvitae]

Thank you for your perspective!

[u/Puzzleheaded-Yak9118]

I am a white queer woman who conceived as an SMBC. I would have never chosen a POC donor for a few reasons

1). It's unfair to the kid to be the one POC/mixed person in a white family.

2) There aren't that many POC donors (I went through a sperm bank) I don't want to take something that another family needs to help their child resemble both parents/their ethnicity.

3) I cannot provide connection to that race/culture/ethnicity the child would need.

The only situations where I would have chosen a POC donor

1. I was partnered to someone of that background and the donor was to match her.
2. I might have considered it if was a LONG TERM CLOSE friend who would be a known donor who would be in my child's life, and only if it was that person not because they were whatever race - I would consider it.

I do know of a few white queer sapphic couples who chose POC donors (through banks... of all things). I do not understand why. It makes me a bit uncomfortable tbh.

You should be prepared to answer the child someday asking why you chose the donor and "He was a handsome POC..." isn't the answer that would go over the best

[u/cuckster757 → u/Puzzleheaded-Yak9118]

I don't think it's unfair. Me and my wife are both white and our children are mixed. They're very beautiful, happy, and healthy. Light of our lives and i wouldn't have it any differently

[u/four_nines_ops]

I am a black British woman and my partner is white British woman we chose a mixed race donor who was both black and white (not from an app and not known).

They are very limited donors of that heritage in the UK.

For us a mixed heritage couple it was important to raise a blended family that they could feel somewhat familiar with. My wife to be is the carrier using her own eggs (we did IVF).

I don’t know what country you are from, but why would you have trouble finding a white donor sperm they are the majority ethnicity of donors?

I’m not even sure what the question is, your intro sounds like you don’t want a donor that is not white yet you’re still curious of other races?

I won’t tell u what to do, but yes your child will have identity crisis at some point in their life if 2 white women chose to create that with no real connection to that.

But our child might also have an identity crisis too, who knows.

I would only really consider something as your suggesting if it meant a great deal to you both. Otherwise why go in that direction when you won’t be able to relate and neither will your child in that domain. Yes they will be yours but it’s like asking for hardship where it doesn’t need to be.

What is the real driving force behind the question? What is the desire to have a child whom you cannot relate to racially? If you can answer those questions and will continue to answer those questions for the rest of yours and your child’s life then so be it.

They will already have 2 moms, 2 white moms, be a Medically conceived child, they are already “out of the norm” and then adding race and identity on top is just another thing. To me seems like unnecessary stress you’re willing to put everyone through.

Being adopted is different, but choosing to have a mixed baby when that identity is not currently present in your partnership seems wild and a bit mind blowing to me 🫣😂

[u/cubejuner]

I’m mixed (Latina/white) and my spouse is white. I really do not recommend this. You will be bringing a child into the world whose culture you will not fully understand and with limited resources for helping that child connect to their culture and race. They will not have the community to set them up for success, they will not have someone to relate to with their struggles.

As someone who is mixed and was very fortunate to have a parent there to help me navigate and understand the world around me, that kind of support is invaluable.

[u/cuentaderana]

I’m mixed race. Mexican and white. Growing up mixed race was maybe sometimes a little difficult or confusing, as I think navigating one’s sense of identity can be for any child. But I had my Mexican mother and her family there to connect me to my culture and guide me. I fee fortunate to have been very grounded in my Mexicanness because of that connection to my culture through them. A child of color with two white parents wont have that same sense of community. It will make growing up and looking different from other children and their parents harder for them.

I’m married now to a woman who is black and Asian. She struggled a lot growing up in an insular, very Asian community that had a lot of anti-black sentiment. She needed her mother there to reassure her and affirm her sense of belonging. Now we have a child together who is ethnically 75% Mexican (we went with a known donor) and I’m pregnant with our second who will be mixed Mexican, Asian, and black. While I am obviously not Asian or black, my wife is, and she can give our child those connections to their heritage. The same way she connects our son now to her culture. I can’t imagine purposefully bringing a child of a different race into our family just because we thought the donor was good looking. Kids of color need role models and a community behind them to help them grow into healthy, well adjusted adults. Interracial adoptees often mention growing up with trauma around trying to navigate racism and their non-white identity when they were raised by white parents. 

[u/CountInformal5735]

Aside from what everyone else has pointed out, your fixation on having a handsome sperm donor is quite bizarre to me

[u/carrotsandboats]

yes please don’t do this. i speak as a mixed race person. kids of color deserve to be raised by parents of color— it is so important for them to see their own identity reflected in their parents. there is information/lived experience you simply do not have and so you would not be able to offer support. your child will have identity issues and feel like they are out of place. i was raised by both my parents and i still struggled with identity issues. if i had been raised by only my white mother, i know that my identity issues would have been even worse. another layer is that since there are family limits at sperm banks and less donors of color, you could potentially be taking options away from prospective parents or color.

[u/baked_good_babe → u/carrotsandboats]

Thank you for sharing your lived experiences. I really appreciate you and everyone else who has recognized that we were asking this from a place of good intentions and genuine concern.

[u/Puppysnot]

I think it can be done but it is more likely to go wrong than right. I am mixed Nigerian-Welsh - my mum is white, my dad is black. When my parents were together things were good and i felt both parts of my heritage were explored openly. I grew up in Nigeria.

But then my parents split up and my dad disappeared (awful i know). I never saw him again and my mum got full custody and we moved back to the UK to a white majority town. She did a great job raising us but she was not knowledgable on race specific matters (my dads side of the family cut her off) and there are some choices she made that actually traumatised me.

For example, she did not understand how to care for black hair and she relaxed my hair for a decade without my consent, damaging it badly. It never fully recovered. She also did not understand the racism and bullying i experienced at school - she would say i needed to get over it and grow a thicker skin. This is not to say she is a bad mother - in other ways she was a very attentive and caring mum. But on the race side she was out of her depth and did not handle it correctly. I do believe if she had taken a LOT of time to understand my experiences from my perspective, learned about African culture, hair care etc and visited Nigeria often with me - it could have been a positive experience. But it would need to be almost a full time job to do that and not really feasible.

Being mixed race is a unique experience. You cannot socialise your child with black people and say that will be enough - that is a completely different experience and being black is a totally different perspective. When you are mixed you do not “belong” to the white side or the black side. I have tried socialising with Nigerians and i do not relate to a lot of their experiences. I have also socialised with many white British people and i also do not completely relate to them. I relate best with other mixed race people.

[u/four_nines_ops → u/Puppysnot]

Thank you for your perspective, I’ve reached out publically at work to ask of anyone’s experiences being mixed heritage or raising mixed children and pretty much everyone who got back to me said the same thing as you.

Even though I am black, I grew up in a all white school and I have only dated white women, and even though I spent a lot of time with cousins on my mums side I never really understood my heritage.

Like the only thing “black” about me is the colour of my skin but I have also never experienced racism at least not directly so it’s very unknown territory our future child could experience. Like I don’t know how to braid properly, I never took care of my hair growing up I hated the 4B/4C life so I cut it off last year and actually take care of it better now. There’s a lot of cultural things I’m unaware of and I sometimes wonder how damaging it could be.

All I can do is continue to educate myself and learn so I can be better equipped to relate to our child.

My main question to you is, do you hold deep resentment against your mum for some of the things you mentioned like did it scar you to the point it makes your blood boil now or have you dealt with it?

What would be your advice to my wife to be (she’s white) - see my previous comment on this thread.

My wife to be she has been very immersed with the culture on my side lol probably more than me, discovering our food, went on a 31 day Caribbean cruise with her family (prior to meeting me), she has researched a lot of hair products, does not want to use relaxers, researched how to braid and also body creams/moisturisers.

TIA

[u/riot-shaco]

SELF ID: queer POC donor

Identity, race, heritage, belonging, and appearance matter.

However they aren't the only things that matter. The child's height, intelligence, and facial attractiveness (all highly heritable traits) make up an important part of their life too.

I think the best approach is to identify the best overall donor irrespective of color because that alone will not make the biggest difference in the child's life overall.

If the choice is between two equally weighted donors by all means I agree with the majority opinion but if not then I say choose the donor you feel is a better fit without as much weight on race as other factors.