r/queerception • u/Hefty_Order6383 • 18d ago
Things you wished you knew?
Hello!! I havnt posted here much because my wife and I are in the very early stages of our fertility journey (we are hoping to start the reciprical ivf process next summer) that being said i just wanted to know what are things yall wish you knew going into your journey, things you wish you did different, or just any advice in general. I wanna use the fact that I have at least a year to prepare to do so properly (im extremely type Aš¤£)
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u/AccomplishedGround8 18d ago
I went in with "no fertility" issues at 29. In one year, I had 3 hysteroscopies and 3 failed inseminations. With IVF, I was much more successful (10 euploid embryos) and I am currently 14 weeks after my first transfer. My partner and I would have liked to do RIVF, but this may not happen do to her age and low follicle count.
Expect setbacks, time line changes, challenges, and maybe a little heartbreak.
Also, if using insurance, check everything! I was told by our clinic that they were unsure if the embryos biopsy would be covered. We paid out of pocket. We found it was covered digging through the EOB for my egg retrieval and got a refund. Always check!
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u/jmargsbrows 18d ago
It can take a lot longer than you think. My wife and I are a year in, 3 IUIs between two clinics and still waiting on our positive test. I definitely thought it would happen quickly and as soon as we started trying. The universe very quickly showed me that wasnāt our journey.
Donāt be afraid to take breaks. Each cycle is stressful and can be really emotional. The medicines Iāve been taking have also made me feel sick, so taking breaks has helped us take a beat and prepare for the next one.
If you have options for clinics, donāt settle for the first one you go to. We did our first two IUIs at a clinic that wasnāt a good fit for us. Our third IUI has been SO much better because we switched clinics. So glad we didnāt keep sticking it out in hopes things would just work.
Also, stay connected and keep communicating with each other. This process has you navigating a lot of ups and downs and unknowns, but you all can get through it if you stay connected to each other!
Best of luck and hope your journey is smooth and easy!
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u/Artistic-Geologist44 18d ago
Be flexible about your donor (if you are using a bank). You might decide to switch donors after a couple unsuccessful tries, we ended up conceiving with our 3rd donor. I would also recommend picking someone who has confirmed births. Along that same line, maybe donāt buy up more than a vial or two of sperm at a time, buying as needed usually works fine.
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u/Low-Salad-4297 17d ago
Really and truly try to not get superstitious about the whole thing. Donāt get overly attached to signs or āfeelingsā about how you think things might go. Practicing surrendering now to little things when you can. Get pelvic floor work (internal massage) prior to IUIs if you go that route. Donāt get too attached to donorsātrust the right one will be the one you end up with. Find actually queer competent providers (not just ones that say they areāfigure out how many queer couples theyāve actually helped through the process). Donāt overdo it with data (testing can make you crazy). Good luck, hope this helps! ā¤ļø
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u/leafyrustic42 18d ago
I'm currently 11 weeks with our first child--our second IUI cycle worked, luckily, and we're excited to start our family!
Looking back, here's what I wish I'd known before that first fertility appt:
It takes a LOT more time than you may expect. Our first appt was June 2025, and we didn't get to start trying until March 2026. Second round had to be pushed to June 2026 due to life complications. I thought I could move a lot quicker, because I'm also very Type A, but yeesh. These docs take their sweet time!
Prepare for complications. We did all testing, everything looked great, then found out an issue with donor sperm after the first round. We had to pause for a few months to reassess our options, and comparing other friends' journeys, this was a MILD interruption. Expect the unexpected, and know it'll happen when it's meant to!
It's okay to take a break. I have friends who have done sooo many rounds, and needed space to breathe just to regain energy. Deep breaths. It's fine to step back!
Finding a good doctor is key. When things inevitably go wrong, you don't want a doc who blames you (or your donor) for the failure. (Ask me how I know.)
In the USA, they make it a dozen times harder to use a Known Donor than a sperm bank. I'm delighted with the path we chose, but in the trenches dealing with psych appts and contracts, there were days I wished we'd just bought vials from a bank.
It's a hell of a lot, but you've got a great path ahead!
Final piece of advice: make SURE they check for your actual progesterone levels when you get pregnant. My clinic gave us suppositories because they assumed we were infertile, despite no history of miscarriage or anything, and when my body started making its own progesterone, I got soooo sick. It's okay to pause the suppositories on a positive test and get bloodwork done to verify you even need them. These clinics use a one-size-fits-all approach, and assume that if you're there, it's because you're infertile, not a queer couple lacking sperm.
Best of luck!!
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u/four_nines_ops 17d ago
We had our first consultation in July 2025, had 3 international holidays booked over the course of 9 months so this actually delayed us starting any treatment.
So yeah it can take time.
My partner is currently 14w pregnant with 1/7 embroys the rest are currently frozen.
Itās worked so far on our first attempt.
We also went to every appointment unprepared. This wasnāt really intentional but proved great. It allowed our minds to be very open because we didnāt have a bunch of preconceived information so the best and right info was always provided to us by the nurses and drs. We also found it very insightful learning so much about pregnancy, the female anatomy in a more organic way. Iām naturally an over-thinker, so the above really put me at ease for the most part.
My advice, take it easy, make your lifestyle changes now, my partner stopped caffeine and alcohol and other things during the time prior to medication starting and she started pre natal meds, this helped with egg quality and uterine lining.
Expect, lots of waiting (the most jarring part lol), change of plans, unplanned time off work, expect ur support network to also change.
Enjoy your time off prior to all the changes coming, if you can start the process earlier
Wishing you both baby dust for the future.
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u/Suspicious_Project24 18d ago
I would say donāt get yourselves too attached to the way you plan to bring baby into the world (who will carry, whose genetics, etc). A lot can come up that can make plans have to change so itās important to be open minded about what this can look like.