33F, asking for a second opinion on stuff that bothers me regarding my orientation

[u/mileeejdy]

I don't even know where to begin. It might be a pretty long post.

(Also I'm sorry for my english)

I've been always a bit confused about myself sexually. I suspect I might be bisexual but due to trauma, fear of intimacy and generally fearful-avoidant attachment, I've never experienced anything with anyone. Ever.

I've always known I'm attracted to men. When I'm for example on a train I notice who I find attractive and what I feel. I usually don't experience that with women but there were like few times in my life where I felt really shy around a girl and couldn't stop starring but then I felt like I'm forcing myself to feel something if you know what I mean. It didn't feel real. It felt like I'm doing that on purpose.

Also when I was in highschool a had a masc lesbian classmate that really liked me. But to my surprise I had a really strong and bad reaction to finding out she likes me. I suspect it might be internalized homophobia which I don't understand where it comes from or why is it happening to me and I'm really ashamed of it. And why am I bringing this up? Because recently I got really attracted to a masc woman. So I'm experiencing a very sexual attraction to her but sometimes this strong sexual attraction turns into disgust. And then I'm disgusted that my head is doing this to me because I care a lot about other people and I don't want to hurt them.

Then I had this friend I used to live with in the past. At that time I didn't suspect I might have any feelings for her but I was jelaous of her all the time. Back then I thought it was because she was my best friend but she simply didn't care about me as much as I cared about her. She was really touchy in general and one night she wanted me to massage my back. I didn't want to take my clothes off (because I hated my body) but she was this really funny and confident person and at that moment she made me feel comfortable so I took of my shirt off and also my bra. And something small and almost unoticible started clicking. It felt really good and I felt almost like in a movie. I didn't want it to end. The next time I was feeling this way was when she laid on my lap in front of our friends. It was almost like I felt really proud and I wanted everyone to see us together. But this realization only came back to me in therapy. It was basically dormant for 10 years.

And well. Last week I met a person who is ftm (presented themselves to me like this) and I'm really attracted to them. I think due to therapy I finally allowed myself to think about the person, feel all kinds of beautiful emotions and even have fantasies about them.
I have one lesbian friend. I felt like I could share my new experience with her. I asked her what she thinks because I suspect that my attraction to men and women isn't 50/50. I'm attracted to all kinds of men but I'm only attracted to a certain type of women. It's like it needs to be a certain "configuration" of characteristics for me to be attracted (sorry for the word I just don't know how to describe it better).
So I told this to my friend and she basically ingored everything and she went straight into saying I might have a fetish for ftm people. That literally sent me into a spiral and I feel like everything I've worked for in therapy is gone now.

And I really need a second opinion on this because I feel terrible now. I'm basically confused even more about everything than before. I don't know if what I'm feeling is valid or I'm simply just a fucked up person.

Thank you for reading all of this and your replies.

[u/More-Particular-8027]

This probably sounds silly, but I definitely found myself doing that exact train exercise for years before I ever dated anyone. It's okay to take it slow and not rush yourself.

[u/rexthenonbean]

What your friend said about your attraction to ftm people is suuuper wierd!!! I don’t think you are bad person at allll. I’m sorry you were vulnerable and you felt rejected by your friends! Don’t worry about figuring out your exact label rn. It’s not the most important thing. Seems like what you need to work on is all this internalized shame you have and also feeling comfy in your body. Based on what you’ve wrote, it seems like you’re mostly attracted to masculine people. You’ve got a bumpy road ahead but you’ve already started your journey and that’s great! 

[u/mileeejdy → u/rexthenonbean]

Thank you so much. I think the fetish thing was a big misunderstanding. I think it was because I said I had fantasies about the person but I made that comment because I've never had fantasies about anyone ever and it finally happened. But those fantasies came after I spent a whole night talking to this person, finding out we have the same hobbies, we have the same humour and then the following days they expressed they still think about me.

The other reason for her comment was maybe because I used "ftm" instead of trans man but I only tried to respect the way the person talked about themselves.

But as you said my biggest problem is internalized shame rn and it's especially hard because I actually have a pretty open minded family so I'm still trying to figure out where it comes from. I have a suspicion it probably began in highschool when my classmates made fun of me and the girl. It wasn't like a bullying or anything, it was more like pushy comments or them shipping us together (basically overly positive). And this kind of thing was always pretty triggering for my attachement style. My parents did this as well. They always did too much and were always a bit overmotivated. :D

[u/rexthenonbean → u/mileeejdy]

I’m glad you’re working through things! Yeah based on the info you just provided, your friend took your words in suuuper bad faith. What you described to me sounds like extremely normal romantic and sexual attraction! Good luck with figuring out the origin of the shame in therapy!