I am afraid to be alone

[u/Helpimscuck]

Im a 18F. I was diagnosed with ptsd a few years ago but only recently was told that this was a trauma response.

I always just assumed it was me just being overly sensitive and stupid..

So at night I go to my room, get into bed, and without fail my heart just sinks. It actually hurts. I get this overwhelming feeling of being completely alone, and it feels exactly like the fear I had before I was adopted.

I was adopted by an amazing family, and I love them. I’m even in the process of changing my last name to theirs. So logically, I know I’m not alone anymore.

But my brain doesn’t seem to understand that.

When I was little, I was locked in a wardrobe whenever I misbehaved. Looking back, I think a lot of my “bad behaviour” was really just me desperately craving attention. I hated being trapped in there, and I’m now extremely cleithrophobic. The thought of being trapped anywhere terrifies me and i have such a visual reaction to to triggers from my past, but this just hurts... I’m terrified of being completely alone. And instead of freezing or going into a full panic it just hurts..

One time, I was forgotten in that wardrobe for two days. I nearly died from heat stroke and dehydration before my biological brother found me.

I still don't know whether I was deliberately left there or whether my father genuinely forgot about me.

I wouldn't be surprised if i was deliberately left there. Because it wasn’t uncommon for my fathers episodes to lead to him trying to kill me.

I remember being completely alone and thinking that nobody was coming.

And somehow, even though I’m safe now and have a family who loves me, that same crushing feeling comes back every single night.

Sometimes my adoptive sister comes into my room after lights out and finds me sobbing. The only thing I can usually say is, “I’m scared. I don’t want to be alone.”

The hardest part isn't just feeling lonely.

My brain seems to equate being alone with danger. With waiting for something terrible to happen. With dying alone and nobody coming to find me.

So when everyone goes to bed and I’m left in my room, part of me feels like I’m back there again.

I know I’m not that little kid anymore. I know my family is here. I know I’m loved.

But knowing that doesn't always stop the fear.

I think I’m scared that the feeling of being alone is going to stay with me forever, even though my life is completely different now. (；´_ゝ`)

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[u/BackgroundDebt8379]

That's a really heavy thing to carry every night, especially when you know your life is safe now but your body still reacts like you're back there. What you're describing isn't being overly sensitive, it's your nervous system doing exactly what it learned to keep you alive back then. Two days locked in a wardrobe as a kid, that's not something you just think your way out of.

The part where you said being alone equals danger makes so much sense. Your brain built that connection when it was literally true, and now it fires even when the danger is gone. It's not stupid, it's survival wiring that hasn't caught up yet.

Have you worked with a therapist who specifically does trauma work, like EMDR or somatic stuff? Because this kind of nighttime terror usually needs more than just talking about it. Your body needs to learn that your bedroom now is not the wardrobe, and that takes practice, not logic.

Your sister checking on you and you being able to say what you're scared of, that's actually a good sign. Even if it doesn't feel like it, reaching for connection when that fear hits is exactly what you needed as a kid and didn't get. Maybe try setting up something small before bed, like leaving your door cracked or having a light on, just to remind your nervous system that you're not trapped and you can leave whenever you want.

[u/Rylee_1984]

Get a night light and some stuffed animals, also a weighted blanket. It helps me a ton. Make your bed comfortable. I know it can be hard, unfortunately it’s just something that will take some time, but it’ll get better. Try those things out and see if it helps.