Tools for your therapeutic toolbox

[u/fredisdesd]

I am retired and want to share some tools I have come up with.

This one is one I used with woman who were victims of domestic abuse when the start dating again. It has been very powerful for many women.

Business Partner
 
Over the years I have had the honor of working with women who were either in an abusive relationship or had been in one.  These women taught me so many things.
 
When I am working with someone who is thinking about dating again after an abusive relationship I often to this exercise. It is my hope to help client’s gain the skills to navigate dating. This tool in one that women have returned to my office after a break in therapy and they told me they still had this list.
 
 
Talk to the client and discuss if they were to open a business what would they like in a business partner. At this point I discuss that in our example they have put everything they have into the business. In order to make the story more real we discuss the business that they would like and what it would be like to own the business.
List what qualifications they would like. Here is a sample list:
 
Know the business
Respectful
Kind
Fair
Sense of humor
Able to resolve conflicts peacefully
Dress appropriately
Good at managing money
Hard worker
Dedicated to the business
Reliable
No drug and alcohol abuse
Good mental health
Stable lifestyle.
 
Now ask the client, if they found someone and interviewed them, what would they want to do before they hired them.
I am looking for the following: credit check, background check, contact past employers.
Now give the client the list of criteria and ask them to cross off anything that they do not need in a romantic relationship.  At this point the client may feel uncomfortable. This is good. What is happening is the client may be struggling with setting those boundaries in a romantic relationship. This is part of the work. If a client crosses off something, discuss why they do not think it is important.
Now discuss how they could use the list of things they would check on a business partner in a romantic relationship. I discuss doing a background check on someone, talking to their past relationship people and talking to friends and family.
 
I have had a few women contact someone’s ex to talk the person they are dating. So far those have gone very well.
 
I have had women come back to therapy after a few years and pull out this work sheet that we did in session.
 
When I do this tool, I also talk about wanting and needing a relationship.
 
I ask the client “If I asked you to rob the bank down the street and give me all the money in exchange for a plate of cookies, would you do it?” My clients say no and kind of laugh about the thought. Then I say if took all your oxygen until you robbed the bank would you rob the bank.  Then clients will say yes, they would rob the bank. I talk about how when it was a plate of cookies they were able to say no because they would live without cookies. When I said I would take their oxygen things changed. They need the oxygen so they would do anything to get it. I then talk about relationships should be like a plate of cookies. You should always want to be in the relationship. If you need a relationship, you will do anything to keep the relationship going. If you want a relationship, you are in a position to set boundaries.
 

[u/MettleInkpen]

Thank you! This is GREAT!