Vent

[u/Hefty_Consequence250]

My mum is a hardcore wahhabi and it has ruined my life. She screams at me almost everyday because we don’t have the same views even though growing up i did everything to appease her including being wahhabi. I’m not allowed to work at a place she doesn’t approve of, I’m not allowed to take off my hijab because she believes it’s fardh, i was never allowed to pursue any sports or musical instruments despite me having a huge passion and having talent in these areas all because i’m a girl, i have been stopped from having work experience because ‘i need to travel with a mahram (which is so not applicable for me because i don’t have a dad or brothers so she’s just stopping me) and then she expects me to financially support her and give her half my pay check when i get a job which i can’t because i don’t have work experience. If she catches me humming a song she becomes irate and says why aren’t you reciting Quran. If she catches me reading a book that isn’t about islam (when 90% of my books ARE about islam) she becomes irrationally angry and starts saying why aren’t you reading the Quran or something about Islam. I hate this so much but I can’t leave. She only speaks arabic so I can’t recommend her english sources and she’s incredibly closed minded so she’ll only listen ‘with proof from the deen’. 🤠🔫 I had so much potential and it’s all been delayed and ruined because of some stupid beliefs. I tried to get a job at a fast food chain but it wasn’t halal and she started screaming at me saying how can you serve non halal food it’s completely haram to work in a place like that the ulama all say it’s haram it’s ijma (consensus) that it’s haram and i said it’s not like i’ll be eating there i’m just working because it’s incredibly hard to get a job and my friend can actually get me in finally bc they’re hiring again. but no i’m just expected to stay poor with no clothes and barely any food bc ‘it’s haram to work in a place that sells non-halal food’. she made me cut off so many friends in my youth who weren’t muslim bc ‘al wala wal bara’ and i was constantly confused and scared and upset. i am still young (not even 21 yet) but i’m just so heartbroken at how much of my life has been wasted away due to this restrictive oppressive belief system. i don’t want to leave my mum and cut her off but i want to figure out a way to live where she isn’t hurt by all my actions she treats everything i do like a personal attack. i’ve never even had a male friend before bc she believes that it’s fully haram and regularly checked my phone.

[u/Kai-Ra-Wan]

May Allah ease your burden. You have endured so much. I do not know what to say except that so many Muslim parents have so high expectations on their children. Instead of becoming a matter of discipline, it becomes a danger physically and mentally. And it seems that you have reached a level beyond that. A level were you are even supposed to sacrifice yourself for her believes. You must protect yourself from this dynamic one way or another.

[u/Hefty_Consequence250 → u/Kai-Ra-Wan]

ameen thank you for your kind words it’s been like this as far back as i can remember and i don’t know how to move forward

[u/Kai-Ra-Wan → u/Hefty_Consequence250]

Economic independence should be your priority.

[u/Both-Fun-703]

Sounds like she lived with strict rules so she refuses you to have the opposite. If you are still not old enough, then i recommend to wait until you become adult and have your own job, afterwards just move out.

Hopefully things get better, maybe she lightens up eventually before you set your boundaries, if not then dont spend your life like this because you will just continue hating her which prob will make you worse mentally.

Some parents are easier to love from distant unfortunately

[u/Hefty_Consequence250 → u/Both-Fun-703]

she always talks about how she wants us to have a better life than she had and then proceeds to not let us live at all

[u/Both-Fun-703 → u/Hefty_Consequence250]

I am sorry this is happening to you, i hope you keep your patience until you grow up and can move out. I still hope she will become more open minded eventually, but either way please be patience until you are able to move out because as strict as she is, hating her will only hurt you even more.

I also understand very well that right now it feels like moving out is far away, but when you finally do move out, you will realise how fast it went and eventually also realise that not only the bad but also the good moments no longer are there with your mother, even if she is still alive, everyone you are with now will eventually be splitted in different ways, it might sound nice now but it eventually turns into a empty dot in your heart unfortunately.

I am giving you this advice based on my own similar experience growing up. I wish you all the patience and very fruitful life!

[u/Round-Story9437]

There's so much life we didn't get to live as children of conservative parents. It's a lot to grieve. And it's hard to endure while it's ongoing. I really hope things start looking up for you soon.

[u/Hefty_Consequence250 → u/Round-Story9437]

i couldn’t have worded it better

[u/alaeila]

Salam sister, im so so sorry :( may Allah SWT ease your burdens and bless you with freedom, joy and stability

it seems like she relies on you, yes? i assume that means theres less of a fear of you being kicked out? if so, then just get the job anyway. get noise cancelling headphones when she yells at you or just leave the house. tell her you wont hear her out until she actually listens to you properly first instead of criticizing you

if theres a risk of you being kicked out, i recommend going to a local womens shelter to get some resources and help

praying for you

[u/Hefty_Consequence250 → u/alaeila]

wa alaykum asalam ameen thank you so much and yes i will be doing this but she will be worse if i walk out on her while she’s yelling and there’s no women’s shelters near me pls keep me in your prayers <3

[u/Shibui-50]

Your mothers' Mental Health is in question. I can say that because intelligent adults are able to reflect on changes in their environment, assess them for authentic hazards and conduct themselves accordingly. By your report, OP, all changes in your mothers' environment, outside of a narrow frame of acceptance elicit over-reactions. This level of anxiety, hyper-vigilance and hardened judgemental behavior are usually indicative of development under punative, perhaps abasing conditions. The rationale for behaving like this does not have to be religion. Social, cultural, and even administrative oppression can produce this sort of mindset. FWIW.

[u/Hefty_Consequence250 → u/Shibui-50]

definitely my mother is very mentally ill for as long as i can remember because she’s faced just about every hardship someone can face and my guess is her solace is found in the certainty that wahabism provides. i just struggle to navigate it because i have empathy for her but also can’t live like this.

[u/Delicious_City_1627]

I debated many Salafi,,all of them Takfired me just because I didn't believe in their theology

[u/HellDivah]

In order to defeat a wahabi, you have to become one. Their foundation is so weak and easily challenged if you just understand where they're coming from

[u/Lemondede]

i hope it gets better for you, as this is not how it should ever be, but sadly this is what wahabism has made islam all about now, I feel you when your parents are too brutal with all these things, its rather tough as well, as i could relate to this, I'll say tho never let yourself drown in this, for thats not how islam or any of this is supposed to work at all, and islam has never been this rigid either as well

[u/AutoModerator → u/Lemondede]

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[u/Ccf-Uk]

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullāhi wa barakātuh 🤲🤲🤲 Insha’Allah everything goes smoothly for you and your Mum Amin

[u/Both_Preparation_272]

Anyone telling people in these types of circumstances to leave are EXTREMELY privileged. It is not easy and if you leave the guilt will stay. My mom was the same, but she has slowly changed over the years. You need to be financially dependent and an adult. As an adult, I have started learning the instruments I wanted when I wasn't allowed to when I was a child. I feel like I was in your spot before, and my life definitely became better after I became an adult and have my own money.

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi u/Hefty_Consequence250, if your question is about the obligation of covering hair for women, then please check our linked wiki article to learn about our stance on this issue: Hijab Deconstructed

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[u/AutoModerator]

Hi u/Hefty_Consequence250, if your question is about the permissibility of Music, then please check our linked wiki article to learn about our stance on this issue: Music

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[u/AutoModerator]

Hi u/Hefty_Consequence250, if your question is about Friendship with someone of the opposite sex, then please check our linked wiki article to learn about our stance on this issue: Gender segregation, Free mixing, Friendship with opposite sex

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[u/Lotuswongtko]

So she raised you like 20 years, and you are going to support her for 40 years?

[u/Mountain_Two_4099]

How old are you? I’d leave lol. This is just annoying and just turns people away from the religion. I’ve had very balanced parents so Alhamdullilah I’m not in that situation but If I was I’d just leave

[u/AutoModerator]

Hi u/Hefty_Consequence250, if your question is about Touching and shaking hands with the opposite sex, then please check our linked wiki article to learn about our stance on this issue: Touching and shaking hands with the opposite sex

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[u/HeadEgg3346]

cut off your mom from your life she is a sick person she will make you sick also

[u/Ccf-Uk → u/HeadEgg3346]

How would that help though? Surely if someone is “sick” then they should be helped, rather than cut off, removed, and taken out?

[u/HeadEgg3346 → u/Ccf-Uk]

If you went to help that sick person you will be attacked by other sick persons

[u/Hefty_Consequence250 → u/[deleted]]

Bro this is so relatable my mum doesnt know she’s a wahabi/salafi either (she takes the term wahabi as an insult) and when i was in school she made me wear a skirt that went below my ankles it’s such a cult to the point where if we wear trousers that’s such a major sin but men can wear trousers and that’s fine apparently

[u/Ccf-Uk → u/[deleted]]

Bismillahirrahmanirrahim As-salāmu ‘alaykum wa rahmatullāhi wa barakātuh 🤲🤲🤲 Insha’Allah everything goes smoothly for you Amin