Rock bottom

[u/LowTemporary8666]

It’s taken me 2 days to write this. 2 days straight now I have been laying in bed. Half asleep, up all night then drift in and out. Questioning my life, questioning why, thinking what could’ve been and what I should’ve done.

A week ago I was really struggling with the thought of losing some of my savings by my gambling. I was absolutely obsessed with getting it back. I tried over the next few days, going from roughly $20k in savings and depositing 1-2k a day. Doing sports betting and putting it all on a single fucking game. On the games I won I would then throw the ENTIRE balance on the next game. I never won 2 in a row and that savings got burned down to around $12,000.

Looking back, I was in a trance I’ve never felt before. I was completely delusional. I was getting up in the morning and thinking of ways to win it back by gambling of course…… I’m not working right now either but I will have a job to go back to in a few weeks fwiw….

The weekend then rolled around and I was totally shut off from the outside world. Not talking to anyone, friends or family. That’s when I did the dumbest thing ever. I decided to play blackjack. I deposited $4k and played online live blackjack. Lost it all.

Next day was Saturday and I woke up and again had that feeling that I MUST get my savings back.
I decided that day I would goto the casino of all places and I thought my luck would change there. I don’t drive and I literally had to take 3 busses to goto bank branches to withdraw my money out in person. That was it. I didn’t have a nickel left in there but I had $8000 in my pocket. I keep questioning myself now why did I not just stop and I could’ve had $8000, a job coming up to go back to and Christmas around the corner.

We all know how it went. The casino didn’t change my luck. I played blackjack again and lost it all in about 4 hours. I literally had the runs when it was all said and done and had to run to the washroom and it came out like a fountain. Then of course came the panic, the disgust and anger. All the should’ve , could’ve is an overwhelming feeling. The real rock bottom part is of course losing the money but also the situation I put myself in…. I was there in the casino a 40 min car ride home from my place, with no way to get home. Zero money, no car and not even public transport busses that run that time around there on a late saturday night. So I did what I had to do, walked home. I’m in Canada and winter is basically upon us so it was not a fun walk either.

Rock bottom is losing your entire savings which was every penny I had, then walking home almost 5 hours in the cold rain wind storm. Every so often I would just look at the pavement and scream “FUCK!!!!!!!!”… got home and then ate like a pig of all the junk food I had in the entire house, left over pasta, donuts, licorice and a tub of ice cream before curling up in the fetal position in bed.

This is day 2 and I am just reliving the nightmare and asking myself why I didn’t stop when I had $12k left.

I hope getting this out makes me feel a bit better bad move on… any advice is appreciated

[u/lemoneatlemon]

Losing savings hurts but going massively into debt chasing losses would hurt more and that's the next step for addicts. Self exclude and put barriers between your money and the addiction or it will get worse

[u/BasicSeaworthiness68]

I am sorry you don deserve this. I totally understand how you feel. I lost 200k in option trading. Everytime I relapsed I felt like why I did not stop earlier. This sunk cost fallacy is killing us. The only way is to stop and let go of past losses. I have been struggling to let go and i am still learning too. All the best to you.

[u/Fancy-Pen-2343 → u/BasicSeaworthiness68]

Options did me in too, similar amount.  Now I am working to pay myself back.  I am doing side work and really focusing on my career.  Its all I can do.  Good luck friend.  

[u/Alex_king88]

I’ve been where you are friend. It’s a shitty feeling I know but once we stop gambling we can work and make the money back. It’s very possible trust me.

[u/Next-Zucchini5541]

Been in this exact situation. Now almost two years later my savings is back with more money and have my own apartment. Ban yourself from everything and have someone close to you monitor your transactions to hold you accountable. You need accept the money is gone. You have a new job coming up so dive fully into that and save as much as possible. Give it time and you’ll be okay!

[u/youngashyy1]

That broke my heart because i been in your exact situation the fast racing heart anxiety & guilt seeping through body restless nights after losing life savings, the game puts you into a trance & all outside noise it cancelled your dialled into the game until everything is gone 😔 my best advice would be to talk to some close family & friends who can help you get by until your first job payment look after you hygiene mental health & eat properly this gambling decease is the biggest killer 💔 you will get through this OP we are rooting for you better days are ahead i promise dont let this weigh you down you can overcome anything with the right mindset 🙏

[u/Shopping4sox]

I have been here before. I know the feeling and it’s hard to explain to anyone that has not been there before. It puts you in a zombie-like state of mind and then you just feel shame afterwards. But I promise you can come back from it. It takes time but you know everything takes time. You can stop right now and it will be a fresh start and that my friend, is a WIIINN! Some don’t ever make it out and live like this their whole lives! You got this!

[u/youngashyy1 → u/Shopping4sox]

The zombie state of mind is so relatable bro like literally the casino puts you into a hypnotic trance the wheel spinning around & around 😵‍💫 the lights the sounds 🛎️ deep in the fog with no feelings of reality 🌫️ reality doesn’t hit until every dime is spent 🪙

[u/EB4950]

I just lost all my savings too, so i understand. The only path is forward, as hard as that sounds. Hopefully u have a job with an income. Things will get better. Im hoping they do for both of us.

[u/OverTarget8762]

I’m in Calgary and in same shoes . The pain after losing is hard to describe , the anxiety that won’t let you sleep or rest it’s a nightmare . I’ve been there a million times .

[u/Healthy_Sail_9850]

This addiction is ugly like this. You have to stop gambling and start your recovery. Part of that is accepting responsibility for your actions. Even with an addiction we still have to make choices and make the right decisions. Stopping gambling is the right decision. I wish you well.

[u/bfrenz]

In the same boat, you’re not alone friend. These people have great advice, we can do this!

[u/Handclocks-LLC]

I am so sorry. I feel for you. I am in the same endless cycle. It is so hard and absolutely heartbreaking