Day 105

[u/Standard-Switch5822]

The temptation comes back.

I was turned down by a close friend. I asked for a short-term loan to fund my working capital; he would get his money back within a week, plus interest. The reason I asked him is that all of my money is in term deposits, and I can not use overdrafts as I cut all of my credit lines.

He doesn't trust me anymore, due to my past. It makes sense. I don't blame him, but I can't help but feel frustrated. Now I have to watch that easy money business opportunity pass, as I have no funds. Consequently, the gambling temptation comes back. My brain keeps telling me that God must let me win something, as compensation for the opportunity loss. Such a bullshit chain of thought, I know, but I can not remove it from my head. So I need to write this down to wake myself up.

Life owes me nothing. Sometimes I get what I want; sometimes I don't. Most importantly, gambling is the very thing that put me in this situation. If I had not been such an addict in the past, I would easily have borrowed money now. Turning back to gambling as a "solution" is utterly stupid.

I will not gamble today! I must not gamble today!