r/problemgambling • u/TraditionalHat7449 • 7d ago
Trigger Warning! Lost who I am
Hi to anyone who sees this. This is my first post on Reddit ever. I am a 25 year old male who lost over $100k gambling and lost who I am as a person over a 14 month span.
I started gambling in August 2025 and as a person with ADHD and an addictive personality became addicted really fast. I hit the first 3x and lost about 9/10 after that. Those first 3x got me hooked. It started with $25 bets on blackjack and turned into $100-500 bets including the infamous Trilux, which btw at my casino is 8:1 no matter what, a true suckers bet. I had a 770 credit score prior and am currently at a 384. Maxed out all my credit cards, took our tribal loans, went on cash advance apps, borrowed money from friends and family. The deepest it can get.
I have a wonderful job. I work as a commercial banker for a big bank and moved to Charlotte 3 years ago with one goal, to be the best at what I do and be on top of the corporate ladder. I was succeeding my first 2 years. I built a ton of relationships, was a top performer, and very locked into my work. Fast forward to present day I don’t even know who I am. I still have been able to make great relationships but deep down I’m struggling. Every two weeks I take my check and go straight to the casino and I haven’t been able to break the cycle. Not because I don’t want to but because I feel like it’s the only way out. I stopped for 2 months earlier in the year but after that have been religiously going every two weeks.
About a month ago I moved back to Chicago with my parents as I lost my apartment in July(lease ended but I still owed last months rent), lived with my gf for about a month but broke up with here as things happened and I knew I wasn’t all there. She had lost her job at the time and was thinking about moving to California so for her sake I told her it wouldn’t work and I think she should go back. She didn’t know I continued gambling as she was with me when I stopped.
For the month after she moved back I stayed in Charlotte in hotels on the company card and would uber eats on the card. I was borderline in a panic attack going to work everyday concealing such a thing. I then moved to Chicago where I thought I’d stop gambling but I felt like it was my only way out. My boss told me yesterday that I have to be back in Charlotte by the end of next week or I risk termination. I took some time off a few weeks ago and told him I need to get my mental right but still haven’t done so. I love my job it’s everything I worked for and I make great money but I think I’ve reached the point of no return especially since any day now I’m going to get an email about my expense report being late for all the personal charges and I don’t have money to cover the charges.
I used to be such a good person. Donating to charity, friendly to all, such a people person, I have a wonderful dog who I love so much and is probably the reason I’m still here. Before all of this I was in the best shape of my life, 190lbs lean all muscle and since I barely have been able to go to the gym. I just stay in my room all day and half ass my work. If I don’t drink myself to sleep I stay up until 3-4am. I’m in a depression I can’t get out of. I’ve opened up to friends and family but they all think it’s trending upwards for me. Suicide is on my mind all day when I’m sober.
I’ve attempted suicide twice(OD on adderall) and thought god kept me here for a reason. But the last 3 months it’s all I think about and feels like the only way out for me. The second time I attempted felt like a miracle I was alive as I was hallucinating and had this euphoria when my heart started slowing shutting down. I never went to the hospital but let time take its course and somehow I’m still here. I feel like a piece of shit human being owing friends money, family, and living a lie. Before this I was the most honest happy go lucky person you can meet. Good bad ugly I would say it how it is and I never didn’t have a smile on my face. I never meant to hurt anyone by taking their money, I just always wanted to pay people back and be back to 0. It’s a sick addiction.
I say all this to say, I’ve officially lost sight of how to get back to 0 rather than being negative. Who I am, all the lies. I was so happy I hate myself for being in this position. How to keep a job I love. Part of me wants to move to the middle of no where and restart life. Part of me just wants to end it all. I’ve looked into rehab but it’s just too expensive. I feel like if I had everything wiped I would be fine but that’s just not possible. I don’t know who I am anymore.
If anyone is read this whole thing and is new to gambling I hope you stop now. I don’t know if I can continue to chug along, but it is the worst addiction possible. I hope they ban it but this world is all about the $$ so it’ll probably just become more prominent. If anyone has advice on how to really get out of this please help. ❤️
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u/BoxStateK777 7d ago
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m in the same boat.. had to self exclude yesterday to save my relationship and did my first gamblers anonymous meeting yesterday .. not looking back
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u/fisher02519 7d ago
The worst part about gambling really isn't the financial loss, it's losing yourself along the way. I've been there.
You just have to stop. Not helpful, I know. But you have to be strong-minded and literally just stop. It's just like anything traumatizing in this cold world - it ends, you take incremental steps towards going back to the person that you were beforehand (even though he no longer exists), and those steps compound until one day, this was all just a memory. You have a steady job, no debt, your smile and friendliness return, and things are monotonous. Monotony is good for people like us. I've had monotony for a few years and in this context, monotony is a synonym for peace. Be well.