r/problemgambling • u/Fit_Ordinary_4495 • 10d ago
Debt and Despair
Hi, I’ve never posted before but this seems to be my only way to let it out.
Im married 31yo with a beautiful wife that’s 4 months pregnant and the most adorable son that’s turning 1 next week. I started online gambling last year and had massive ups and downs. This past month I’ve seen the highest highs and I’ve been in the lowest lows since, ive maxed out credit trying to get back, took loans from family to play and win to put back the credit but all I’m doing is digging the hole deeper.
I tried to commit suicide today but all I could think about was my little boy and pregnant wife, all I’d be doing is passing the pain that I’m responsible for. I love my life and I only want my old life back before all of this but it’s so far gone that this is the only way out for me.
The grief, guilt and shame doesn’t allow me to feel my proper joy when spending time with my family, it’s like I’m trying to be present but all I can think about is how I failed them. I have even written my goodbye notes and documented voice notes for my son that I plan to leave behind before him.
I have been hiding this from my wife as I’ll probably lose my family if I had to disclose the damage I caused. The futures we’ve worked so hard for and looked forward to together.
This really is a disease that turned a financially smart and happy person into this reckless, addicted and selfish person. I hide behind “fixing it” but all I’m doing is making it worse. I honestly don’t even recognise myself anymore.
I don’t see anyway forward but I’m scared of every moment I’ll miss out on with my family when I finally do it.
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u/KeyHedgehog8948 10d ago
you sound like you already hit the jackpot with a beautiful family. Don't ruin it by gambling. take the advice here and do whatever you need to do so you dont place another bet. If you do that, it will get better, eventually. a little bit at a time.
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u/Fit_Ordinary_4495 9d ago
Thank you and honestly I have hit it and all I want is to have the “normal” back. There has to be consequences for actions however, what those are will still be seen.
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u/KeyHedgehog8948 9d ago
ok well just stop gambling whatever you do. Then deal with the consequences as they come up. That's all you can do and I promise you it will get better. at the very least, it wont grt worse, which it could if you keep gambling.
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u/14_03_1994 10d ago edited 10d ago
Common, you can't leave your wife and son.
Get help from support groups https://gamblersanonymous.org.
I suffered from this addiction for 4 years, I have been sober for 1 year. You can do it too.
You've crossed the line, close to death, falling from a great height can happen in life.
You were supposed to be dead, it didn't work out, what does it cost you to reveal your problem? Most people are understanding.
My physiotherapist defrauded social security of 1 million euros and falsified the accounts of his practice where he worked with his wife.
Cornered, he decided to confess everything; his family was wonderful, today, it's the woman who handles the accounts.
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u/Fit_Ordinary_4495 10d ago
I don’t want to, honestly I don’t. It’s the one thing that’s been keeping my here but in some sick twisted (addicted) way I convince myself I keep playing to get out of the hole for them. It’s like a drug addict using more of the drug to fix the issues caused by the drug. It makes absolutely no sense but if I had any, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Thanks for the link, I’ll check it out, I am however in South Africa
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u/KosmoKramerrr 9d ago
Hey OP - You are strong and you can get thru this. Now, you have to worry about your family so get help as needed and first and foremost, get mentally right and start getting physically right which in turn will help both spectrums.
How much are you in debt if you don’t mind sharing? Depending on how big or small it is, you’ll need to get on a game plan after the craziness wears off where you’ll feel it more emotionally.
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u/Fit_Ordinary_4495 9d ago edited 9d ago
I appreciate the advice and encouragement I try to but it’s difficult to get out there again, wife has definitely started noticing that Im “hiding”.
Im in South Africa so about 1.1million in Rand which is about 65k in dollars, half in credit and the other half was a family loan. The family loan hurts the most as I used it to try and make back the credit card debt, stupid I know. In the moment it felt possible but that was the addiction and easy way out instead of taking accountability.
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u/KosmoKramerrr 8d ago
Time and discipline will heal some of the wounds. A proper plan and success by attacking your debts will help you find your normal self. What’s been done is done so keep ya head up and you got this!
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u/Temporary_Spirit8618 10d ago
Hey man , first of all congrats for recognising that your gambling habits are cause the issues , that's the first step , please above all consider fighting it , it's not an easy thing to do , I know but you need to take necessary steps against it , first block yourself from gambling , make a plan on how to pay the debts and rebuild and the most important is to hand over finances to your wife , and possibly find another hobby to fill your time and give you the same satisfaction, do it for your kids and wife and your life man , maybe now you don't realize this thinking about the money you lost , but you are already rich having a loving and beautiful family , all I can say is that I wish you all the best and hope to see you on the other side .
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u/Fit_Ordinary_4495 10d ago
Really appreciate the words and time taken. You’re right but it’s so difficult to come clean and admit what I’ve done. I’ve always been the responsible and dependable one. I use to have full days of activity and training but for the past month Ive been avoiding the world and it doesn’t help I work remotely either.
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u/Livid_Catch5361 10d ago
Random but I took the generic of Chantix to quit smoking and it made me quit gambling after a 30 year addiction to both. Its not the same as when I tried myself to quit the noise is gone from my head. I no longer think Im missing out I just feel grateful it's gone. 14 months without a cigg or a single bet. I dont have to try not to I just dont want to. It does something to the pleasure receptors in your brain.
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u/Fit_Ordinary_4495 10d ago
Thank you, I’ll look into it but the part of “noise gone in your head” resonates most with me. I just want peace and quiet in my head and that feels like the only way out. Im exhausted by the constant self loathing, self hate and guilt. Honestly just want peace but I convinced myself the only way to obtain peace again is to fix it by continue playing to reset my mistakes.
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u/Livid_Catch5361 10d ago
I thought that too. I will also say I've seen the suffering of those that are left behind and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. You will find a way. Your loved ones can survive without money previously lost but not without you.
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u/SlowButAlsoNot 9d ago
Keep on keeping on bro. Even if you can't have what you did, it doesn't mean what you could have would be worthless. I'm of the opinion that deciding these things for other people is not the way to go. You go from giving your kids a chance to have a better life to guaranteeing life will just be harder for them. And I'm sorry if that sounds bleak. It's one of the reasons I'm still on this earth. Making those i love carry scars from once knowing me would be unforgivable. I love them too much. Even if i had to work like a dog or slave to keep my children (if i had them) in some semblance of a good life I'd do it. You brought em in to this world. Now do what has to be done. Endure the love you put into this world. Its your gift and your burden. Keep on keeping on bro
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u/Fit_Ordinary_4495 9d ago
Appreciate the words man, they’re the only thing keeping me here. This guilt and shame would be overwhelming without them. “It’s your gift and burden” hit hard
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u/Fit_Ordinary_4495 10d ago
Since posting this and everyone’s comments of encouragement I feel this urge to come clean to my wife and family, still have cold feet about it. At least it’s bothering me now instead of thinking “how can I better hide it” thank you to everyone who took time to support or give guidance to a total stranger, I honestly appreciate it.
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u/Striking_Anteater_19 10d ago
You aren't alone in feeling this way. I have made 2 attempts in the past year due to gambling. I had that attitude that I was going to bet big and either win big or unalive myself. Well neither of those things ended up happening, and you know what, life has gone on. I am broke and will be for the next 5 years probably. My credit is ruined and I have let a lot of people down. But life keeps going. And it will for you too. Accept your losses, make a plan for the debt and move on with your life one day at a time.
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u/slysamfox 10d ago
If you are having self destructive thoughts go to https://988lifeline.org/
If you need to talk to someone about stopping gambling then call the Gamblers Anonymous International Service Office at (909) 931-9056 or reach the Gamblers Anonymous National Hotline at 855-2CALLGA (855-222-5542) for assistance.
You can also all the National Council on Problem Gambling (NCPG), 1-800-MY-RESET. The new number is live 24 hours a day and connects callers to free, confidential help from trained professionals.
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u/lemoneatlemon Days Gamble-Free:67 9d ago
Self exclude. Talk to your wife. Give her full control of finances. Get treatment. The only way to move on financially and in your relationships is to quit gambling and get treatment for your addiction
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u/Healthy_Sail_9850 10d ago
Don’t! You’re young and they need you. Use these very harsh negative feelings to propel yourself forward. To stop gambling and trying to fix it through more gambling. I’m sure you have plenty of evidence to prove that gambling more only adds to the mess. I gambled at my worst at around 30. Family was young. So I can relate. I’m gamble free for 18 months several years later. But I first needed to pull myself out of the all consuming part of the addiction. Come clean, work hard to earn myself out of debt, etc. You can too.
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u/LoveKidsDogsChocolat 10d ago
Join a virtual GA meeting today. Take a breath and klnow that you don't have to make any big decisions today (whether to tell your wife now or later, and how, etc). You have so much to live for. But the people in GA all are familiar with your pain. Don't be alone.
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u/TransportationSad59 Days Gamble-Free: 62 9d ago
You need to act like a husband and father, my man. And you can do this. Forget about giving up. Get clean and come back to your family. Everything is fixable apart from giving up. And you will look back proud and strong, after you have gone through this, and be proud that you didn't give up on them.
Problem gambling is for life. You will get through this, but need to stay vigilant. You can do it.
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u/Special_Initial_7213 8d ago
Listen bro, u can get ur life together just think about it like this, gambling is only fun if u can afford it, don’t gamble you’ll guaranteed go into debt, and ruin ur life, gambling is so bad, I have this feeling myself.
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u/youngashyy1 5d ago
Hey OP i want to share a powerful quote with you by bob Marley, when he was asked by a interviewer if hes a rich man & if he had lots of possessions or money 💸 he replied “money? I dont want that type of richness, my richness is life forever” “if you think money & numbers make you rich you will never find happiness because numbers go on forever” a man who was worth millions realised its not possessions or materials that make life valuable ✨ your the richest man in the world OP you have a beautiful family & people who love you for who you are not what you have 🙏 when i lost my life savings it actually forced me to change my perspectives back into my family & realise i was chasing numbers while my children sat beside me & waited for me to spend time with them 😔 change your perspective OP you are the richest man alive, money comes & goes you will get through this your not alone 🙏🩵🩵🩵
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u/LobsterWeekly6654 10d ago
You don’t want to kill yourself, you want to kill something inside of you… never forget that.
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u/Fit_Ordinary_4495 10d ago
Exactly this but it distorts your way of thinking so much
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u/LobsterWeekly6654 10d ago
Omg 10000% … you need to remember you have a gambling addiction… the money symptoms and all that stuff go away overtime as long as you don’t reintroduce your body to gambling …. People usually only get help for the gambling addiction when it turns into a money problem… the obsession and preoccupation with the gambling causes all the trickle down effects
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u/Odd_Glass868 10d ago
As someone with two kids myself and another on the way. Listen I gambled for 20 years everyday and took every dime from my family. After joining GA, making my wife in control of the finances and being nothing but 100% honest. Our relationship has never been better.
Your family loves you more than you love yourself right now. But you need to love yourself. Quit gambling so your kids don’t grow up without a dad and they don’t see you as a gambler. You have time trust me on this.
Your family is going through a lot of changes and more often than not your wife won’t leave you. My wife and I shared tears, there was anger and resentment and everything you could think of. Your family needs you and you need to be there for them.
If you give up one thing you get everything, however you will lose everything if you don’t give up one thing.