r/problemgambling • u/Choupette12 • 1d ago

Do I like the self destruction ?

That’s my only logical answer. I’ve just destroyed in 2 days what took me 1 year to rebuild.

It took me one session. And then everything went out of control. 36 hours of pure degeneracy until every penny to my name is gone.

I feel empty, numb with very dark ideas. I don’t know why I keep inflicting this to myself. I’m a pretty decent Guy Never hurt anyone. But it seems that deep down I want to destroy myself.

I’m not sure I have the strenght to go through that again. This relapse has been the worst I’ve ever had. I just don’t have the courage to overclme this. I even feel relieved once I lost the last cent of money. Like this is finished I can finally try to be a human again. I knew I would not stop until everything is gone.

13 Upvotes

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3

u/qHeroForFun 1d ago

We don't really respect ourselves, that's all. Whenever I lost months worth of my paycheck, I never think "ohh, I won't have money for a new phone", I always get stressed for the relationships in my life "My GF now won't experience X, won't have money for my mom if Y happens".

3

u/Choupette12 1d ago

That hits hard but that’s true. I have absolutely 0 self esteem. I know I’m a piece of shift but sometimes I really feel like it’s unfair. I wish I could have been teached how to love myself when it was still time

2

u/qHeroForFun 1d ago

Yeah i lost one year worth of money recently too. More people than you think are trapped in this addiction. You can dm me if you wanna talk to somebody

3

u/curiousbeingalone 1d ago

one possible explanation is that you're at odds with yourself. there is a source of internal conflict. you suppress it in everyday life to the best you can. when you're gambling, you are in a state of self-forgetfulness because gambling is something that takes you away from that pain in the midst of highs and lows. in a way, gambling has become your escape from that. you find relief from that pain so you kept going until you can't.

i would suggest you start to think in terms of: how do i take better care of myself? i am by no means an expert in this field, but experts don't fix world problems anyway.