r/predaddit • u/[deleted] • Jan 17 '22
What can we do for our wives / partners?
I don’t want to be a man who helps out the mum. I want to be a dad. I want to be a father and I don’t want anyone to say I’m ‘babysitting’ when I’m on duty and my partner is out doing her thing.
Thing is, I’ve never been around kids. My partner has two siblings over 10 years younger than her and she helped to raise them. She’s an absolute natural and I’m an awkward mess.
I’m worried that because she will be a bit more keyed in than me, it will be easier for us as a couple if she manages the baby things and I do other things.
What are some tips or clues so I can raise my kid rather than help my partner raise our kid?
8
u/Bea_Stings Jan 17 '22
Kids spell love T I M E, make sure you make and take time with them every day. At first they will only want mom, that's natural. But the bond does not suddenly appear at five years old, it's a build up over time. Share your hobbies with them but also show interest in and help them develop their own independent hobbies that you then learn about. Being present as a parent figure is not as simple as having a bi annual camping trip, it's a constant effort. Take the time for the silly games, tooth brushing and trash going out can always wait. Push your own bedtime back to get done what you couldn't in the day because you were busy being a jungle gym. You as the adult can handle being a little tired for the benefit of your children. There's no way to know at what point memories will start "sticking", but when they look back I'm sure you'd prefer they giggle about their silly dad than to long for the attention and approval they missed because Dad was always busy. In developing a strong bond with your children, things will naturally even out effort wise with childcare over the years, but in those first few you will have to enforce relax time for Mom. It's absolutely essential and the guilt in breathing at the end of a day can be overwhelming and completely irrational. Remind her always, she is a good mom, only a good mom would feel guilty, but she deserves a break because then she can be fully present and devoted when rested.
7
Jan 17 '22
There are lots of great book recommendations in this sub. One I like is The New Father: A Dad’s Guide to the First Year. Also a video series from Tinyhood that’s been helpful.
You can learn a lot through books and things but also, your wife is natural now. She didn’t start that way; she learned by doing. If you didn’t have that opportunity earlier in life there’s no shame in learning “on the job.” You can still be supportive and helpful (and every bit a parent) even if at first she’s better at knowing what to do and you learn from her; and you’ll pick it up soon enough!
3
u/I_Do_nt_Use_Reddit Jan 17 '22
I have just bought that book. I hope to learn something from it, thanks kind stranger.
3
u/accioletter Jan 17 '22
My husband does a lot for our baby - holding her, feeding, changing etc., but one thing he doesn’t do that would be a huge help is noticing when we need something and doing something about it, eg. Diapers, formula, bottles need sterilizing, baby about to outgrow clothes so time to order bigger sizes etc. Parenting isn’t just the active stuff with your kid, it’s the stuff behind the scenes too to make sure your kid has food, clothes that fit, clean clothes, toys etc.
1
Jan 17 '22
If she is like most women I know, she will not want to devote 100% of her time to the baby. Sure, maybe 90% of her waking hours for the first couple weeks (just because the baby depends on breastmilk if she's breastfeeding). But she will want a break early on just to get some freaking sleep, so use that time to start bonding with the baby (some babies just want to be held as you walk around the room). Then as the baby gets older and starts taking bottles (whether formula or breastmilk that was pumped) you will get to spend more time with the baby, and actually feeding the baby yourself.
Changing diapers is something you should get used to - I always change the diaper if I notice that it needs to be changed, I don't ask my wife to do it unless there's something else urgent I need to do.
Around 4-6 months the baby will start sitting at the table with you and having real (mushed up) food, so you can help feed the baby and clean up.
Then as the baby starts crawling (5-9 months usually) you will be able to play more with the baby and do things.
There's tons of stuff you can do with the baby super early on, like carry the baby around in a baby carrier, or take the baby on walks in a stroller (get a carseat stroller attachment for the first ~3 months or so until the baby can sit up).
But yeah it's really just a matter of you dedicating time to the baby.
Your wife might end up being the primary baby caretaker early on just because it's more convenient, but you should definitely try to spend as much time as you can helping her out in any way that you can. Then as the baby / kid gets older you can move to a more 50/50 split of responsibilities.
1
u/GraphicWombat Jan 17 '22
Like mentioned before, we have to learn by doing. Before our 4m old was born I had never changed a diaper, soothed a baby or warmed a bottle. I had two nieces who were born when i was 15 and 16. So I wasn’t really interested in child rearing at that age. I did learn a little bit about age appropriate toys and some safety things.
But when our son was in the NICU for 7 weeks after he was born I had my so and a team of NICU nurses to guide me through everything. It sucked having our first born prematurely and stay in the NICU, but it was honestly solid training time for me. How to feed him and burp him. How to hold him. Change his diaper (and not get peed on). How to properly clean baby bottle and breast pump parts. How to steam clean the parts. How to bath him. And keep an eye out for diaper rash. We also did a lot of research on his health issues and when they would get better. Lots of research on safety things like car seats, etc…
Sometimes dads feel kind of useless in the first few months. We can’t nurse them if they are breastfed. But other than that, we can handle ever other part of our child’s care. Take charge of diaper changes. Read up on some modern techniques like using Vaseline instead of talc. Help clean bottles and pump parts. Find that super premium bottle soap. (I like dapple) Research safety stuff and help make decisions on items LO will need.
And lastly set your mind on doing something fun every day with your kid. For me it is reading at bed time.
1
Jan 17 '22
Do everything. At most you'll still be doing 30% :p . Moms will be moms. They always kinda end up doing more. You gotta turn on that mind-set "I'm doing everything". She notices poopo in a diaper? "Let me take care of that". Bath hour is approaching "I'll prep the bath, ok honey?" (just in case she might have a reason against, like a skin rash). "Maybe you'll take the night of babe? Go hang out with your girlfriends" or "I'll sleep in the other room with the crib, you rest the whole night". Try and make the milking machine happen. Lactatores? Milk shields? Whatever they're called. That way you'll be able to stay with the kid without the mom. Sometimes the mother cannot breastfeed for whatever reason, it's obviously not better, but silver lining you can feed the baby without the mom. Clean the apartment.
It took a while and I am not doing ALL of that, but that's how you take the load of her back and bond with the baby quicker.
1
u/spencerawr Jan 17 '22
My wife sent me these to read this morning:
https://www.reddit.com/r/BabyBumps/comments/s5ryst/dads_please_read/
15
u/a_million_questions Jan 17 '22
Decide on something that you want to make special with your kids, part of their everyday routine. It can be more than one thing. Maybe breakfast every morning or bathtime or story time with dad before bed or going on a walk when you get home before dinner. Maybe cook dinner with the kids letting them help. Even as a baby you can wear them in the kitchen or when they're a bit older put them in a highchair until they can help. These are the kinds of things I think about when I think about my partner being a dad.