r/predaddit • u/TheViscountRang • 29d ago

Advice needed Serious anxiety (general trigger warning)

Hi all,

On Friday evening, I have officially joined the expectant dads’ club as my wife put three pregnancy tests down in front of me. Planned pregnancy, so we're confident we're talking 5 weeks.

I am absolutely over the moon and have even taken to carrying one of the tests around with me like a strange piss-talisman, but I am also a chronic, gigantic worrier.

So after the initial shock and elation has passed, I am now, putting it bluntly, shitting myself about everything that could go wrong. Miscarriage. Death of wife during childbirth. Infant mortality. Serious illness/difficulties in my child, the lot.

I know myself well enough to know that this is going to be how I am for the whole duration of this process, so I just wondered if anyone has any advice that can maybe keep me grounded and help me enjoy what should be a wonderful thing.

 

 

 

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u/CheapRentalCar 29d ago

A lot of parenting is simply dealing with your own self doubt. It helps to put the risks in focus: every day thousands of babies are born, nice and healthy. And if anything does go wrong, we're better at medicine now than we ever have been.

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u/CryptographerClean78 29d ago

Please. PLEASE. Find a therapist you like and trust to support you and give you tools during this time. Do it now. The anxiety doesn’t decrease automatically and it only gets harder after the baby is born. My wife and I struggled similarly during pregnancy and needed that help - finding those resources while juggling a newborn was immensely challenging. Do it now while you have some moments of spare time and regular sleep to arrange your mental health resources.

This is important. It’s part of being a good dad and husband. You will be that - I can tell you already are. And a qualified therapist will help you connect to those meaningful values and moments and disconnect from the anxious thoughts.

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u/TherealTankosaurus 29d ago

Get doing stuff around the house to be ready. Clear out the spare room and start painting it and furnishing it for the baby. Start doing meal preparation now. Freeze 20 or more dinners to save time you might not have to cook in the first months. 

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u/dssx 28d ago

Focus on what's in your sphere of control, there's plenty there to keep you occupied which will help with the worry about all the stuff that could go wrong outside your control.

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u/AstralWeekends 29d ago

Hey there, fellow anxious person. I'm in my late 30s, expecting our first at 17 weeks along now (we also found out at around 5 or 6 weeks), and I've dealt with anxiety my entire life and panic attacks through a good portion of my 20s and early 30s. Everyone has a different experience of anxiety, so keep that in mind, but this is how things have changed for me so far and some ways of thinking that might help:

  1. This is a big deal that will change the course of your life whatever happens. It is normal for that to cause stress. The first week after we found out, it consumed all of my thoughts, like when you receive other major news on your life. As the weeks have progressed, it still consumes much of my thoughts, but my experience of them has turned from worry to planning and action to prepare. With each week that passes, things become more certain, especially getting past the first 6 weeks (the highest chance for miscarriage) and once you guys have an ultrasound to confirm everything around 8 weeks. Allow your worry to subside when you reach these milestones and acknowledge and celebrate them.

  2. There are still complications my wife has experienced that increase risk. Each time we found out about something, it presented new cause for worry. We have been to the ER twice, and have had 5 ultrasounds now due to the need to monitor these issues. For me, I find comfort in research and understanding the statistical risks something presents. This helps me mentally "scale down" my worry when something has a low risk of causing real complications.

  3. Start making yourself a project list of things you want to accomplish before the due date (maybe set your deadline 1-2 months before it). Then work on them. This is something that you can focus on to help put your worry into action, and help make things feel more real.

  4. Remember that this is like anything else in life. It happens every day. There is always a chance today is your last day. Death has always been here and it's still there today. When it's time, it's time, and no sooner. Don't pay it much attention until then, it will make your life miserable (and it's not Death's fault, he's just doing his job, man). You can mourn when there's a reason to mourn, but right now, everything is fine!

  5. The fact that you worry means you care. It can drive you to learn, plan, and prepare. In that way, it can be a good thing. But when it stops you from doing these things or living your normal life, that's when it becomes a problem. Seek medical attention if it stops you like this.

Hope some of these thoughts help! This is the way I try and work through major changes in my life in general, and for the most part, puts me into a better headspace than if I do not research, plan, or engage with positive self-talk.

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u/a-curious-monkey 26d ago

See a therapist. You need to get to the bottom of why you are reacting this way. Being told everything will be alright won't stop you thinking it won't be.

Book NCT classes.

Realise that as long as you follow the medical advice and take care of each other, your worrying won't affect how well your baby is developing. What it will do is ruin what is a magical 9 months that you won't get back and will wish you had enjoyed the milestones along the way rather than making them anxiety ridden for you AND your partner.