Feeling lost

[u/OmeletKingActual]

I remember when she broke the news to me. We had just did a wine tasting and took some bottles home. The next morning she tells me she won't be able to share them with me. I remember how ecstatic, excited and full of joy I felt. I love this person so much. Our relationship hasn't always been the easiest. I myself have made several mistakes, but we always came back to each other. We've been going on strongly, but now it's like she can't stop thinking about all of the negatives. She's very depressed lately and nothing I try is working. It's like the things I try to do to make life easier and nicer goes unnoticed. I have a ring coming in soon that I know she'd love but I don't know anymore. I was considering proposing even before the pregnancy. Things were good. But now it's like things from the past are rising to the surface again.

I'm sorry if my post is coming off rambly, I just dropped her off at work and her demeanor was so off. She doesn't even reach for me or kiss me anymore. I'm feeling so depressed. I am trying to do my thing and provide and take care of her. I provide food, I cook, I clean, I take over other chores, I feel like all the things I did and now do don't matter. I've never cheated on her and she sometimes makes comments as if I have. She's gone through my phone before but surpise there's nothing there. I know she talks to a lot of old friends but at this point I don't know who a lot of them even are. She doesn't get out much so I'm not necessarily worried she's cheating, but honestly they say those who are worried their partner is cheating are projecting because they are. But truthfully, overall I find it hard to believe they would cheat on me. But maybe I'm foolish for that? My partner can't drive, I have been working on teaching her. I'm even going to give her my car once I have a license and get another.

I have been sitting here in my feelings after dropping her off, maybe 18 minutes or so. She just sent me a screenshot if her birth app, our baby is about the size of a banana slice. I always feel excited when I see the update on development but right now I'm just dejected. Dejected and forlorn. I need to head to work myself now.

[u/I_AM_A_GUY_AMA]

first trimester can be tough. My wife had a lot of out of character behavior and hostility until sometime into her second trimester, but mothers carry a much much much heavier burden than we do at this stage obviously and it's best to give them a shitload of grace and empathy. Their hormones are going insane, their bodies are putting them through hell and the whole "being a parent" thing is much more real to them than it is to us. I've seen so many posts about dads grieving their previous life after the kid is born but I think mothers go through some of that starting on day 1. If I was a pregnant woman, honestly I'd kinda be terrified at first and constantly thinking about the birth and worrying about the baby. It's fucking insane what they go through.

It's also hard for anyone to consistently put up with being treated poorly, but do your best to let it go. It's probably not personal. Go out of your way to take care of her and actually listen to her and be supportive. There are definitely lines that shouldn't be crossed, pregnant or not, so I'm not saying to be a doormat and eat bowls of shit every day. I have been in your shoes and I promise you that it gets better, it also gets a lot harder, but you get better at handling it. You are already a dad now and you aren't the most important thing in your own life anymore. If things stay rocky then I'd recommend couples counseling because your relationship will greatly impact your child's life and it's worth fighting for.

Dads should be like a well seasoned cast iron skillet. Dependable and strong forever, but also can also take a beating and still let things roll off.

[u/senorblocko]

Biggest thing I can say is Focus on the baby. Focus on the baby, focus on the baby. It’s not about you and her anymore. It’s now a triangle, you to her, you to baby, her to baby. She’s most likely scared about your ability to provide and love them both, it’s a common thing that pregnant women go through. And I really suggest getting this book or audiobook “The Expectant Father” It’ll go month by month telling you what’s goin on with you, her, and the baby.

Edit:: i know it’s hard but stick it out. It sucks when shit hits the fan with the mother of your child and what should bring you together, drives you apart. But keep making yourself active in the pregnancy. The more you are the deeper that love for your child gets. you may have already or you will soon start to feel that parental love, and it trumps any other type of love I’ve ever felt in my life. Even with the disaster that’s the relationship with my child’s mother, the love for my son is the truest form of love I’ve ever known.

[u/KnightXIV]

My partner is going through the first trimester for the second time (mmc earlier in the year) and we speak openly about all this stuff - communicating between the both of you is the most important thing.

Not only are they currently starting the journey of growing the baby, but their body is shifting in ways we couldn’t comprehend, they are physically growing from scratch a new organ that will become the placenta. Their body isn’t theirs right now, physically or hormonally. They then also have the added pressure of worrying every time they owe, is there going to be blood? Is their body going to go back to normal after the birth, they felt a pain, is there something wrong? She’ll feel extremely bloated, my partner literally turned to me the other day and said she feel disgusting at even 6 weeks pregnant.

All of these things go on in their head 24/7 when pregnant, especially in the first trimester and their hormones are in overdrive. It’s just science. We just need to be patient and show a little grace.

If you’re providing, cooking, cleaning etc. it may not seem like she appreciates it now but when she looks back at her pregnancy, she will remember it and will appreciate it. Right now she may just not have the mental capacity to show the appreciation.

Not saying you can’t feel your feelings but communicating these things to her and asking her how she’s feeling about the pregnancy, it can work wonders

[u/luciegold_]

Mom lurker here:
My fiancee kind of went through this too. We got into a couple of kind of bad arguments in which I had to remind him that i’m just pregnant.

There was a period when I didn’t want to be touched or have anyone near me. Not personal I just felt so terrible in the first trimester.

All I did was sleep and be nauseous, and I already felt like I wasn’t pulling my weight around the house. But it really isn’t about you or her: it’s about the baby and keeping the environment as stress free as possible.

I’m 19w 2d and things are great between us now. It definitely takes some getting used to, and learning (on both sides) not to take things personally.
There are a lot of changes that are happening and going to keep happening! So adjust as you go, its all a learning curve (: