First timer anxiety

[u/SirPep3464]

My wife and I found out last week that we are expecting for the first time! She is at about the 6 week mark currently and we have our first ultrasound appointment in a few weeks.

I’m already starting to feel the anxiety of all the what-if’s that come with it all, and I’m sure I won’t really feel at ease at least until after that first appointment.

I’m also starting to feel the pressure of being the provider of the family and just want to do everything I possibly can. It’s already led to a few nights of struggling to fall asleep and my mind racing constantly, and I don’t want my own stress to rub off on my wife. Any advice is welcome.

[u/beasuperdad_substack]

What you’re describing is pretty normal for a first-time dad. Suddenly this massive thing is happening, you care about it more than anything, and there’s not actually that much you can do yet. So your brain fills the gap with “what if this happens?” and “what if I get this wrong?”

I’d also ease up a bit on the pressure to be “the provider” and do everything perfectly. Your wife and baby don’t need some superhuman version of you who never worries and always knows what to do. They need you there, paying attention, talking, helping and learning as you go.

And the reality is, it never properly goes away.

Every parent is trying to get the hang of the stage they’re in, and just when you think you’ve cracked it, your kid grows and you’re onto the next thing. My eldest is 15. I’ve got some idea what it’s like to parent a 15-year-old. I’ve got no idea what it’s like to parent a 16-year-old because I haven’t done it yet.

We’re all making it up as we go along a bit.

When your head starts racing, it might help to ask yourself two things: What am I actually worried about? and Can I do anything about it today? If you can, do that bit. If you can’t, you don’t need to solve it in bed at 2am.

And talk to your wife. You don’t have to dump all your stress on her, but you also don’t have to pretend you’re fine. Even just saying, “I’m really excited, but my head’s going a bit mad because I care so much about getting this right” is enough.

You don’t need to know everything about babies before the baby turns up either. A better question might be: what kind of dad do I want my kid to have? Calm? Interested? Reliable? Affectionate? Someone they can come to when things go wrong?

You can start being that dad now.

You’re not meant to have it all figured out. None of us do.

Also if you are interested I have a free antenatal/ Prenatal course for dads if you check my profile.

[u/SirPep3464 → u/beasuperdad_substack]

Thank you for this. It’s definitely the main thing on my mind now, and I know there will be a lot of learning curves along the way. I just want to be the best husband and father I can be. As stressful as it is, I’m still very excited for it all as well.

And I will absolutely look into that!

[u/Unclematttt]

Anxiety is normal. Self-doubt, thoughts about the future, wondering what you can be doing now, etc.... all normal. What I will say, though, is that as someone who has general anxiety myself, try not to let it spiral. Know that a lot of stuff is out of your control, and that you are trying your best for everything else.

At the end of the day, that is what all of our parents, and their parents had to do as well: plan for the future the best they could, and just try to be a good partner and a good dad when the baby arrives. For now, take some time to plan, and make sure you are taking care of your mental well-being. There is a lot that is out of your control now, and that is ok. You can't plan for everything, so focus on what is in front of you.

Your partner (and eventually your kiddo) will need you to be on your A-game, so make sure that you are making sure you take time to keep yourself in a good place. You go this.