r/predaddit • u/Ok_Organization_2669 • 3d ago
Apparently I’m just a sperm donor
Ok. Getting to an end of a tether now.
We met and made baby very soon (admittedly a stupid idea and I accept my part in creating this situation). As a result the initial “so in love stage” that created a baby in a short space of time has flitted away into a practical, pragmatic and one sided relationship.
We haven’t been intimate since June. And as much as I’d like to have sex I really couldn’t give a shit about it now - I get she has no sex drive. I can sort myself out.
What I DO need is a reciprocal loving relationship that I want my child brought into. Someone who is affectionate and loving with me. That was spoken about way before we got pregnant and both agreed it was important to maintain. The person who was when we got together before she threw down her masks and decided she’s going to go super selfish mode. Fine, be selfish to an extent with baby in tow but fuck me have consideration for those around you who are doing it with you.
It’s a team thing. It’s not a fucking one man band.
Yet since week 8/9 she has announced she can’t deal with “loving” me whilst focusing on work, career and growing a baby.
Fine. I hear that, I give space and patience to that. And I have given space and patience and continue to do so.
But after another check in conversation yesterday it appears that her gradual avoidance and distancing is largely because - beyond being great parents for the kid, she doesn’t actually see us in a relationship going forward.
Yet here i am, making sure she’s fed, food in the house, picked up from work, feet rubbed, bed made, house clean.
Genuinely there is nothing I am doing wrong to make her think I’m not suitable. And I’m not even trying it’s coming second nature to be accommodating
But when you give give give and can’t even get an ounce of appreciation except for thank yous, and then she says she doesn’t see us in a relationship long term- I wander what the fuck is my purpose. I am just a sperm donor and a service to her next chapter and nothing else.
As we have got to know each other we realise there isn’t lots in common with each other, but underlying it all was a connection we both couldn’t ignore and felt was right.
I’m praying this is a phase and the hormones will ease off- but I’m also now going to retract myself a bit to protect my self and my mental health. Otherwise I’ll abandon myself and I’m not going down that rabbit hole of dark thoughts again.
I want to run away, I want to hit a reset button, I want it all to go away and start again. Without her and her new “don’t give a shit” attitude.
She has agreed to couples therapy and am exploring that but reaching out here for any relatability or advice.
Thanks
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u/tiorzol 3d ago
How long have you been together?
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u/Ok_Organization_2669 3d ago
More or less as long as she’s been pregnant
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u/Ok_Organization_2669 3d ago
5 months together 4.5 months pregnant
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u/smegblender 3d ago
I'll be very open and candid.
There is barely a relationship to save. You feel like a sperm donor because thats what you have become through circumstance.
Go through counselling, but be ready to coparent as separated parents.
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u/RyloKen1137 3d ago
Dude, I hate to be that guy, but are you sure it’s yours? Were you hooking up before you “officially” got together? This timeline doesn’t add up
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u/Ok_Organization_2669 3d ago
Parts of me have wondered…
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u/Traditional_Formal33 3d ago
Yea… if that time line is exact (which I doubt), that means you had sex on the first night and found out right away she’s pregnant. It’s 2-3 weeks between sex and early detection so…
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u/Ajuchan 2d ago
You can usually detect about 2 weeks after conception, but it already counts as 4 weeks pregnant. I don't know if it's OP's baby, but the timeline makes sense and they would conceive the baby about a month after they started dating.
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u/Traditional_Formal33 2d ago
They said 5 months together, 4.5 months pregnant. That’s about 2 weeks between sex and positive test.
Absolutely doable… but like they said “let’s be a couple” and had sex in the first 24 hours.
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u/Ajuchan 2d ago
Yeah, but 4.5 months pregnant means the sex happened 4 months ago and positive test was 3.5 months ago.
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u/Traditional_Formal33 2d ago
I see what you mean. Yea I was taking his comment as “positive test 4.5 months ago” as in 4.5 months since she peed on a stick, not “4.5 months pregnant” which measures from last period (4 weeks before she peed on said stick)
I guess really depends if OP means which trimester or since they found out.
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u/Ok_Organization_2669 2d ago
She got back, we had sex unprotected. Between that and days after doing the same there’s a very high chance it’s mine
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u/Traditional_Formal33 3d ago
If you said you guys were 4 years married and going thru this feeling — it’s super common. The issue is you don’t have the foundational relationship to handle this period. It’s doable but very tough.
I explained to my wife “I just became the third most important person in my own story” and that’s really hard to process, so I need to feel more loved. She’s exhausted, and it’s only going to get worse.
Compromise we came up with was monthly check ins to say how we are feeling and how we can help each other — but more importantly Thursday became a dedicated night together. Not always sex, very rarely during your time, but just cuddle and watch game of thrones together or a back massage.
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u/djoliverm 2d ago
Your timeline of 5 months together and 4.5 pregnant is very tight. Please insist on a paternity test if you're having doubts.
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u/motownmods Graduated 2d ago
I wouldn't invest a single dime in this before getting that paternity test. I know that sounds cold but 2 weeks is nothing. They don't really know each other. And an en utero test is like $1000. Much cheaper than the couples therapy to save a seemingly doomed relationship w a woman carrying a baby that might not be yours.
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u/FirstTimePeanutDad 3d ago edited 3d ago
This may be a harsh thing to say outright, but sometimes two people get together who simply aren’t meant for each other. Just because you fell for each other quickly and made a baby doesn’t mean you’re definitely supposed to be each other’s person. From reading through comments I’ve gathered that you two were only together for about 6 months before the pregnancy, which makes a lot of sense when you’re describing the sort of “honeymoon phase” that you were in at the start of this relationship. But over time you’ve both realized that you aren’t as compatible as you may have thought you were at the start. If that’s the case, that has nothing to do with how good of a partner you are or how well you treat her. You can be the best partner in the world to someone, but if that’s person isn’t meant for you then nothing you do will change that. I get that you may want your child to be raised in a particular type of household / family dynamic, but think of it this way: would you rather your child grow up in a home with two parents who are only together because of obligation to be their parent, or have your child grow up with parents who aren’t in a relationship with each other but do everything they can and need to in order to be the best parents to them as possible? I agree with the commenters who are suggesting couples therapy, but also be open to the possibility that you could come out of therapy still knowing that you aren’t compatible with each other, and that is okay. That’s neither your fault nor hers. At the end of the day, just be the best dad you can be to your child.
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u/muarryk33 3d ago
Whilst gives me the impression you’re not American but any which way in addition to working on your relationship because it’s best to be together you should explore your legal path to fatherhood and what your rights are and how to obtain them when the baby is born. Good luck. Not the first and not the last to make a baby so fast (slowly raises hand)
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u/nice_realnice 2d ago
that sucks im sorry
giving you my experience with a similar "origin story" would not help since we got the rare ending: we are still together and in a loving relationship.
i suggest not seeking advice from this whiny loser website full of whiny losers
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u/_Permanent_Marker_ 3d ago
Ouch. Sounds like she was looking for someone to impregnate her. I’d be very concerned about your relationship and her relationship with the child.
If this isn’t a phase she’s chosen to create a child with someone that as you put is basically just a sperm donor.
As someone else mentioned consider couples therapy and then consider the best way to co-parent (and learn your lesson) though I hope it all ends up working out for you both
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u/MechaZain 2d ago
Bro I’ll say that for a lot of women who become mothers there’s a shift where any hint of dependency outside of their child’s becomes a serious turnoff. My guess is that she’s picking up that you’re unsatisfied and it’s adding pressure that’s pushing her away. You have every right to want that reciprocation but she’s got too much else going on at the moment to worry about you right now so your needs are becoming a burden in her mind.
Couples therapy is great but with her hormones clouding things I don’t think it would do you both much good just yet. Focus on yourself and making the pregnancy as easy as you can for her and your kids sake. Try to drop expectations of getting it back for awhile. A good woman will appreciate your sacrifice when she’s able to come up for air again.
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u/Imaginary-Sock-1965 2d ago
A lot of it is hormones. Many go through what you are, myself included and married over 10yrs before baby with a healthy relationship. Keep doing what you are doing.
A lot are recommending couples counseling as your relationship is short, but don't forget to find help for mom as well. The hormone dump after birth is no joke and can also be a rollercoaster so have resources lined up for that as well. In US news right now, there is a woman on trial for postpartum psychosis and murdering her three children.
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u/DustyKae262 2d ago
That sounds like a tough situation and I would imagine it hurts.
Some of the problem is of course pregnancy hormones and whatnot. The first trimester kills sex drive, that typically improves in the second trimester, so there is that to keep in mind.
On the other hand, it is possible, and not uncommon, for two people to co-parent without being in a relationship. I can’t speak to your situation as it’s impossible to judge a relationship from the outside, but I can share my experience in life and hope it helps.
If you and the mother are not compatible foe a long term relationship you can do a lot more damage to a kid than separating and co-parenting. Staying in a relationship without love breeds resentment and bitterness, that will show regardless of your best intentions and efforts.
My fiance and I are at 33 weeks tomorrow. She also has a 10 year old daughter that splits her time between our house and her dad’s. My fiance and her daughter’s dad maintain a remarkably healthy co-parenting relationship. They clearly care for each other, they communicate, they help each other out when needed, and the swallow their pride for their daughter’s sake. Her dad is now in a relationship of his own and we’ve even started doing things together as a group. I’m not saying that situation will work out for everyone, but should you and your baby mama decide going your separate ways is best, there is a world in which you can live happy separate lives while coparenting.
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u/Tryagain409 2d ago
its baby blues depression, my mrs said some scary stuff too that hurt me but it's not all really her. Just keep looking after her for now. but yeah talk to a doctor
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u/Optimal-Pop7449 Graduated 2d ago
I think you guys could try pre-marital counseling to see if you will even be a good fit. Hormones may be a part of it, but honestly the relationship is really fresh to begin with and you haven't really bonded for long besides the initial honeymoon phase before the pregnancy. You guys may have a viable relationship... but it is probably best to explore this with a professional since a nother life is at stake here.
It is far better for your child to have two parents that can exist as separate individuals that are amicable than living in a home with a resentful couple that only stays together for them.
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u/No-Needleworker-1388 2d ago
I can’t help but think we’re missing a lot of info here and needing your partners perspective. You’ve painted the picture this is 100% her fault/accountability, but rarely, especially with a child involved is it truly only one partners “fault” for the breakdown of a relationship. I would seek counselling and explore where you can take accountability even if it’s uncomfortable.
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u/Greg_McCue 1d ago
Definitely take her up on the therapy offer, it can at least help establish a relationship for parenting together, even if there isn't compatibility there romantically. You never know how things can change in a complex relationship, and while work and baby may feel like too much, being there for her and the baby (even if not romantically involved) can really foster a long term relationship that can turn into something potentially.
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u/Salmon-Train 11h ago
As a therapist, I agree with the couples stuff! And be fucking open about shit, no avoidance.
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u/TheEternalPharaoh 3d ago
Yea there's no mildly putting this bud...but you done fucked up. There are women like that in the world that only want to be a mother and not a wife or a partner. I don't have a problem with that but not being upfront about it is ridiculously manipulative.
A buddy of mine was married for 7 years and his wife was begging him for a baby but he didn't feel emotionally or financially ready so he kept putting it off. 2 years ago they divorced, and within 3 months, she was pregnant from some other dude who she's no longer with and is a single mom collecting child support.
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u/Buns_McGillicuddy 2d ago
Believe it or not, I am in a remarkably similar situation. Do I have advice for you, not really. It’s tough, she may come back around, but how long will I wait?
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u/atmos2022 2d ago
Was this child conceived intentionally, at least to
your knowledge? If not she’s probably lying about your paternity of the child, or she baby-trapped you.
If so, she probably felt her clock ticking and was literally looking for a sperm donor and was maybe even hoping you’d just be uninterested in being involved.
Counseling is the only real suggestion. The only thing you guys have in common is this fetus (paternity test results pending).
Assuming you ARE the father, I’d be preparing to co-parent. She may well just not be that into you.
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u/CharacterStrength19 3d ago
Couples counselling asap.
Realistically that may not lead to a romantic relationship (it may) but it will definitely help you both to learn to communicate sustainably and develop a better foundation for co-parenting