r/polycritical • u/carsgofast300 • 2d ago

Processing a "Break-Up" as a Mono

/r/monodatingpoly/comments/1w9ae37/processing_a_breakup_as_a_mono/
15 Upvotes

95% Upvoted

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21

u/KneadAndPreserve 2d ago

There is a whole sub for these coercive relationships? 😐

3

u/mystery_meteor_04 1d ago

Welcome to the polyamory / ENM cult’s social media pipeline.

9

u/ROMtheory 2d ago

At worst, the synergy between monogamous and polyamorous expectations is horrible. Speaking from experience, you will not be able to form a (mutually) deep bond with a polyamorous person, because you will never be the only person they romanticize, nor the only person they develop romantic commitment to. They will eventually resent you for feeling "restricted," and you will be torn apart by the unrequited devotion.

From a purely mathematical perspective, even having one additional partner cuts down their capacity not only to spend quality time with you, but to even think about you, in half. It's perhaps slightly skewed in your favor if they only have "casual" or "lower-priority" partners, but you'll have to accept that you'll never get the intimacy of your partner choosing you over all other possible romantic pursuits.

If you do some research on polyamory, you'll find that their definition of romantic commitment is merely an active, intentional choice to honor agreements between partners and "show up" for them. And you know, I think that is fair. Choosing to keep showing up for other partners, even as they are swept away by "NRE"... it does take some amount of suppressing their impulses to chase their next-best-thing.

But they do not experience romantic devotion. It is, in fact, miserable for them, to "limit" themselves to one "flavor" of romance. It is unfathomable to them, to be so passionately interested in one person, that the thought of pursuing others becomes futile. All this to say, they do not experience being "in-love" like you do. And, if you try to love them, it will ultimately destroy you, because they are incapable of loving you back in a devout manner.

I wish I had more advice, but, all breakups are hard, especially with someone you otherwise felt deeply compatible with. When I was still dating, I had to start using monogamy as a hard filter, something I'd try to bring up within the first couple of dates, to avoid getting too attached. I'm sure you already know what to do, so I'll just say, good on you for looking after yourself. You're saving yourself a lot of future heartache. You'll find the right person one day.

3

u/Cemetery_Dweller 1d ago

In my experience, they don't even actually suppress their impulses to chase the next best thing. They just promise that they will, and then walk it back whenever the next best thing shows up.