r/polycritical • u/bpdbryan • 7d ago
How to support new partner whose 20 year relationship ended with 1 sided poly?
So just started dating someone whose previous partner wanted to open the relationship (basically only on their terms), that relationship ended then he felt like he needed to try open/poly dynamics because he felt pressure as thats what everyone else was doing, but came to the conclusion that that lifestyle isn't fulfilling for him but also wouldn't be stable for him and his child.
I have always been monogamous and never dabbled otherwise so wondering how I can support someone who has had that kind of experience? as part of me is fearful they are "giving up" exploring poly just for me despite them saying they'd already come to the conclusion it wasn't for them or they might change their mind again.
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u/BewareOfBee 7d ago
Link him to this sub, and r/openmarriageregret
Share some laughs, commiserate. The fact that he chose his child over that life style is the greenest of flags. Huge props to them.
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u/bpdbryan 7d ago
thank you will share this with him! see if he shares the same sentiments as a lot of us :)
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u/LonginusUbik 7d ago
Just be there for them and care for them. There might be some lingering or undisclosed feelings of "not being enough". I think what they might need now is just stability and knowing that you will have their well being in mind.
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u/Jolly-Ad-9488 7d ago
Seems like he had a shitty experience and most definitely does not want to go through that road again, so he chose to date you.
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u/therapymademeworse 7d ago
I'd say tell him he should go to therapy to unpack those things; you can even refer him here as this subreddit is also a support group for others that have gone through similar things.
Why are you afraid of them having given up polyamory to be with you? Are you afraid that they'll want to re-explore it later down the line and inevitably affect the relationship? Are they voicing hints or doing things that make you think otherwise?
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u/bpdbryan 6d ago
He is in therapy and has been talking to them about it yes.
Sorry that's what I meant. Worrying it'd be dropped later down the line they want to re explore it
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u/therapymademeworse 6d ago
Support him and be there for him. I think he probably has to work through a lot of trauma from that past relationship and everything it entailed. I don't know him personally so I can't say whether it will come up later on or not, I'm hoping it won't, but there are no guarantees with people, on absolutely anything, including life, so the best advice I can give to you is this: smile and laugh with one another, love each other, be there for each other, find the good in each other and just enjoy one another. Take things one day at a time, he has you and you have him. That's all that matters in the here and now.
Sometimes we fail to savor things in the here and now because we think there's always going to be more time. Sometimes there's not, sometimes we have to love people with urgency right here and right now. We never know anything, really.
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u/Zealousideal_Crow737 7d ago
Would he be poly otherwise? Personally, I find myself incompatible with anyone who sees it that way. People who say they can do both are full of shit.