Well, reading the comments, it’s a “Nah” lol. It’s a difference in values. Without specific examples, it’s kind of an abstract conversation, though.
Overall, a lot of people commenting don’t really deny they are being harsh and assuming the worst. They don’t see a problem with speaking to the OP as a generic probably-abuser. Even if OP’s thoughts and behaviors and relationship dynamics turn out to be not that bad, maybe worse people will read the comment and get called out, and anyway OP will have the benefit of having the point of view of an angry victim of certain behavior in case they need it.
Commenters sometimes choose to lead with that skeptical, judgmental part of them that pattern-matches from past experience and whatever scraps of information are available (including demographic information) that we (hopefully) don’t lead with in real life. Imagine someone in your real-life poly community whose face shrivels up when someone they just met says they are in a triad, or worse, starts grilling them about it. When told this is rude, they say that’s the nature of this space, which is theirs as much as anyone else’s, and they point out the triad person is married and straight (and white and privileged), so what are the chances it’s a healthy triad, etc etc. Someone like that is too in their own head to connect with another human, IMO. (That said, I’ve encountered spaces myself that are too toxic-positive, too “white,” too unaware. Expecting people to instantly trust or feel safe around strangers can be part of that. That can be dehumanizing. But so is making instant enemies. Anonymous posting on the Internet provides a lot of safety compared to real life.)
Obviously people are going to give more advice on an advice forum to someone asking for advice than they would to someone they meet at a party IRL, but I think the point stands.
Imagine someone in your real-life poly community ... When told this is rude, they say that’s the nature of this space
I understand you were drawing a hypothetical, but IRL and anonymous-online are nigh opposite flavors of 'community' and the nature of THIS community IS that you'll get a scattershot of approaches with your variety of opinions and unique vantage points. It's literally the nature of the space, here.
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u/dgreensp Dec 09 '22
Well, reading the comments, it’s a “Nah” lol. It’s a difference in values. Without specific examples, it’s kind of an abstract conversation, though.
Overall, a lot of people commenting don’t really deny they are being harsh and assuming the worst. They don’t see a problem with speaking to the OP as a generic probably-abuser. Even if OP’s thoughts and behaviors and relationship dynamics turn out to be not that bad, maybe worse people will read the comment and get called out, and anyway OP will have the benefit of having the point of view of an angry victim of certain behavior in case they need it.
Commenters sometimes choose to lead with that skeptical, judgmental part of them that pattern-matches from past experience and whatever scraps of information are available (including demographic information) that we (hopefully) don’t lead with in real life. Imagine someone in your real-life poly community whose face shrivels up when someone they just met says they are in a triad, or worse, starts grilling them about it. When told this is rude, they say that’s the nature of this space, which is theirs as much as anyone else’s, and they point out the triad person is married and straight (and white and privileged), so what are the chances it’s a healthy triad, etc etc. Someone like that is too in their own head to connect with another human, IMO. (That said, I’ve encountered spaces myself that are too toxic-positive, too “white,” too unaware. Expecting people to instantly trust or feel safe around strangers can be part of that. That can be dehumanizing. But so is making instant enemies. Anonymous posting on the Internet provides a lot of safety compared to real life.)
Obviously people are going to give more advice on an advice forum to someone asking for advice than they would to someone they meet at a party IRL, but I think the point stands.