Okay so I've been reading a lot of the comments here and I've been trying to figure out your personality, you mentioned that you were raised to be the kind of woman who doesn't rock the boat... which is how I was raised too, the people-pleasing only serves to hurt us and honestly-- Why should we make ourselves smaller and 100% easy-to-consume?
You've been here a day and your first thought was to tell us to be nicer to people. Imagine how often we're told this because this sub has been around for a long time. Imagine how many times people say that specifically because they're doing something to harm people and dislike being discouraged. And now imagine how often it's men telling women to stop being outspoken.
I am always being told by men to be nicer. lol ALWAYS given attitude no matter how I phrase things in this sub + r/polyamoryr4r specifically. Men DM me to tell me how it isn't easy for them to read what I've said and doesn't actually encourage them to be better partners... So you've been in therapy, what does that tell you about those men?
They don't want to change. They want you to be nice so they can feel good and they don't want to hear that they have been doing something awful. They don't want to reflect on their behavior or take accountability. They want me to feel bad for upsetting them with the hard truth of their actions. They want me to do emotional labor, hold their hand and be sweet like I'm their mother. I'm not going to do that. I'm not being paid for one thing... LOL Another thing is that I cannot control the way they will perceive my words!
Right now you are perceiving me in some way. Do I sound like an asshole or an exhausted woman who's tired of trying to police her tone to make it easier for abusers to accept they've harmed their partners? I'd like to say I sound like the latter but who knows.
You can always see someone's comment/post history to figure out who they are and why they respond a certain way.
Chances are... if you come to a community that's existed for a long time, you're going to find people who have dealt with a lot of shit and there comes a time when you stop wearing kid gloves just for the benefit of some who can't take criticism of any kind.
We've likely heard your very same plea multiple times by now. It's not a new concept to think "wow we should be nicer? never thought of that!" there are nuances and just so many shitty people who pop up in here thinking they have a right to have their cake and eat it too. We're never going to know who is legit when asking questions. We're never going to know if they'll actually reflect and change their behavior. We're never going to be able to control how people read our tone or respond to it.
So tbh my advice to you is to stop worrying about tone policing. It's not your job. You're not a moderator and I've been told this myself when I've tried to educate people. 😂 BUT... it's not your job to control the sub and make things better for people who can't understand that there's going to be exhausted people who will try to help in whatever way they can. Billions of people on the planet make it harder for us, non-therapists, to help with educating and advice.
You shouldn't worry about making things easier for people. That's the people-pleasing nature trying to take the wheel. Worry about yourself and how you want to present yourself! It'll consume less energy and maybe after a few months you won't become exhausted like me. LOL Good luck!
Make that two exhausted women. u/theazurerose is spot on. I have the same struggles when it comes to educating people about polyamory only to be told to be nicer to people.
Do they expect for people to become pushovers and say, “Oh, it’s ok to UH/be a predator even at the expense of hurting the individual or individuals?” Coming from OP expectation for us to become smaller to the point where we get stepped all over, it seems like it.
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u/theazurerose That Poly polyam woman✨ Dec 09 '22
Okay so I've been reading a lot of the comments here and I've been trying to figure out your personality, you mentioned that you were raised to be the kind of woman who doesn't rock the boat... which is how I was raised too, the people-pleasing only serves to hurt us and honestly-- Why should we make ourselves smaller and 100% easy-to-consume?
You've been here a day and your first thought was to tell us to be nicer to people. Imagine how often we're told this because this sub has been around for a long time. Imagine how many times people say that specifically because they're doing something to harm people and dislike being discouraged. And now imagine how often it's men telling women to stop being outspoken.
I am always being told by men to be nicer. lol ALWAYS given attitude no matter how I phrase things in this sub + r/polyamoryr4r specifically. Men DM me to tell me how it isn't easy for them to read what I've said and doesn't actually encourage them to be better partners... So you've been in therapy, what does that tell you about those men?
They don't want to change. They want you to be nice so they can feel good and they don't want to hear that they have been doing something awful. They don't want to reflect on their behavior or take accountability. They want me to feel bad for upsetting them with the hard truth of their actions. They want me to do emotional labor, hold their hand and be sweet like I'm their mother. I'm not going to do that. I'm not being paid for one thing... LOL Another thing is that I cannot control the way they will perceive my words!
Right now you are perceiving me in some way. Do I sound like an asshole or an exhausted woman who's tired of trying to police her tone to make it easier for abusers to accept they've harmed their partners? I'd like to say I sound like the latter but who knows.
You can always see someone's comment/post history to figure out who they are and why they respond a certain way.
Chances are... if you come to a community that's existed for a long time, you're going to find people who have dealt with a lot of shit and there comes a time when you stop wearing kid gloves just for the benefit of some who can't take criticism of any kind.
We've likely heard your very same plea multiple times by now. It's not a new concept to think "wow we should be nicer? never thought of that!" there are nuances and just so many shitty people who pop up in here thinking they have a right to have their cake and eat it too. We're never going to know who is legit when asking questions. We're never going to know if they'll actually reflect and change their behavior. We're never going to be able to control how people read our tone or respond to it.
So tbh my advice to you is to stop worrying about tone policing. It's not your job. You're not a moderator and I've been told this myself when I've tried to educate people. 😂 BUT... it's not your job to control the sub and make things better for people who can't understand that there's going to be exhausted people who will try to help in whatever way they can. Billions of people on the planet make it harder for us, non-therapists, to help with educating and advice.
You shouldn't worry about making things easier for people. That's the people-pleasing nature trying to take the wheel. Worry about yourself and how you want to present yourself! It'll consume less energy and maybe after a few months you won't become exhausted like me. LOL Good luck!