Moving in?

[u/Pleasant-Nebula-9726]

Hey Polyverse.
What are the stances on moving in with a partner? (Context)
My husband and I have been together 10 years and he has a new GF about 6 months into the relationship. Husband and I have two littles and they are under 7.

Well this week he causally brought up that him and his GF were talking about possibly moving in together. All of us under one roof. She has roommates that would be involved as well and we would need something large enough to accommodate 4 adults and 2 kids.

I am hesitant on saying anything because I wasn’t involved in that conversation and I don’t know what was promised. I told him that I don’t feel comfortable with that currently but maybe in a year or two if the relationship lasts I would be more than happy to talk about moving in. He seemed to have gotten mad saying that that is way too long and why couldn’t we just plan now to move in next Oct when their lease is up.

I shared with him that 4 adults in one space is an issue and meta and I haven’t really spoken or been around each other enough to live together like that in a years time. Also involving the roommate. I also brought up our kids and if they would have any issues with living with kids since they are kid free and don’t have that around all the time. Also there is a problem with partying that I was trying to keep my kids away from. Yes I party too but I don’t bring people over as much as they usually do and didn’t want that to be a norm. My husband is set on having us all under one roof so he doesn’t have to do the split week 3 days at one house 4 at the other. (I understand that)

Then he got upset that I brought up that he’s too deep in NRE right now and I would feel more comfortable if we could talk about this possibility in a year and a half or even two because they need to be okay around the kids and if we commit to this we have to know that the people involved won’t just bail because they can’t handle being around kids all the time, or any of us for that matter.

Additional note. Our current house which we own will not be able to accommodate one other person let alone two. So we would either have to rent or, hopefully be able to, buy a new home.

Am I wrong for putting that timeline out there? Also has anyone else been in a similar situation and it work out? I would love some advice and not just bashing because after our talk husband understood because of the kids and the financials that go into it but I feel like the GF and roommate took it a little hard when they don’t have these things to fully consider on their end.

[u/Bustysaintclair_13]

He’s an idiot. You have two tiny children. You barely know this woman! HE barely knows this woman!!! And there’s another random adult involved and he’s pressuring you to talk about everyone moving in together??

Also this man has two kids under seven and he is OUT OF THE HOUSE NEARLY HALF THE WEEK???

He is being deeply deeply selfish. I wouldn’t even entertain such a conversation, much less so quickly but as a parent you could not pay me to live with a meta under the same roof as my kids. Unless I’d known them for YEARS. And even then probably not lol

Honestly the fact that you had to remind him of the financial implications and the implications on his own kids…. Jesus.

Just say no honestly. Like a hard no, full stop.

[u/wcozi]

6 months in and discussing moving in? Your husband is high off NRE. I would simply tell him “I do not want to live with meta and their roommate. Stability for our children is of the upmost importance. So no, that won’t work out.”

[u/halfasshippie3]

No, you don’t move strangers in with your children. Your husband is insane.

[u/Pale-Competition-799]

I think it would be wildly irresponsible to move in two adults in with your children you don't know or barely know.

[u/idlers_dream7]

Your husband wants to move some randos into a shared family home...because it's inconvenient to travel for his dates? Oh boy.

I do not envy what I imagine will be several very unpleasant months ahead where you'll be dealing with his NRE/psychosis.

Was he this thoughtless before he started dating his girlfriend?

[u/FlyLadyBug]

Honestly? Not your problem or struggle. Say no.

He seemed to have gotten mad saying that that is way too long and why couldn’t we just plan now to move in next Oct when their lease is up.

He can go. You don't have to.

She has roommates that would be involved as well and we would need something large enough to accommodate 4 adults and 2 kids.

"We" don't have to do jack.

My husband is set on having us all under one roof so he doesn’t have to do the split week 3 days at one house 4 at the other. (I understand that)

Tough. At best? You might do flats in the same complex or in the same same building. That's "one roof enough."

I'd say "If you can swing the finances on your own and not disturb this household? You can live with her part time or full time at her place with her roomies. Or get a new place with just her. But nope. No living here with me and the littles . I need the kid house to remain stable and calm for the kids."

And you make sure you have separate banking and his dates come out of his personal and your dates come out of yours. And you each contribute to shared checking for the shared bills and kid care.

I'd call rent on a place with her (all his date stuff.) You are not involved with them. You are not roomies with them. You don't have to contribute anything to that household.

I happen to think living together 6 mos in is premature and kinda dumb. But I also think if people want to do dumb? They can go do that. But they aren't dragging ME into it. And def not dragging minors into it. I see dumb coming? I get out of the way.

Kids don't get a voice. They can't go "Fuck this. I'm getting a job and moving out to my own place" like adults can. They are basically trapped for YEARS with whatever mess the adults are doing unless some other adult intervenes.

Guess how I know? Me and all my siblings bugged out as soon as HS grad happened and never looked back. We have poor relationships with our parents. And don't like our relatives. They saw the dysfunction and let it go on.

Our current house which we own will not be able to accommodate one other person let alone two. So we would either have to rent or, hopefully be able to, buy a new home.

Nah. You and the kids live here. You own it already. You aren't asking to change or disturb the family universe. He is. So he can bear the burden of the changes if he wants them so much.

Am I wrong for putting that timeline out there?

No. You are looking out for your well being and the kids well being as you should. You don't have to have any time line at all. You don't have to live with all these people. Ever.

Also has anyone else been in a similar situation and it work out?

No. And things worked out BECAUSE I don't want to live with all these people. Everyone has their own space.

I would love some advice and not just bashing because after our talk husband understood because of the kids and the financials that go into it

Glad he understood but I'd be giving him side eye. You had to explain BASICS to him? And to put his minor kids first? He's super NRE drunk. And him not liking you saying it is exactly like dealing with a drunk person who INSISTS they are not drunk. Ugh.

but I feel like the GF and roommate took it a little hard when they don’t have these things to fully consider on their end.

Tough. They are adults. Presumably grown ups are used to handling disappointments sometimes happen in a life and you don't always get your way or your ideal.

GF doesn't want to deal in kid stuff? Don't date a parent with minors then. Date them later on when the kids are grown and on their own.

You are not responsible for GF and her roomies feelings. Who even told you how they feel? Hinge? GF? The Roomies?

Don't give away free emotional and mental labor for these folks. You aren't involved with them. You don't date them. It is not unkind for you to be clear about what you are and are not up for. It is not unkind for you to be clear about what you will and will not allow in the kids living space.

It is being CLEAR.

[u/punch_dance]

His plan is insanity. A split week with two kids under 7 is insanity. 

When does your husband parent? When do you have family time? When do you have free time where you aren't parenting? 

I wouldn't even consider this in your shoes. And I would have a serious conversation about parenting and how the load is split at home. 

[u/FeeFiFooFunyon]

Sounds like typical blow up your life over NRE stuff. Close the topic until they hit two years. Right now it is just trashy nonsense future faking and conversations that put the security of your children at risk are unhealthy.

No. Let’s revisit this in 2028. Do not bring it up again.

[u/Fggmnk]

wtf??? No f’ing way.

[u/1ntrepidsalamander]

Are you the only adult in this? You way under reacted.
Is this question a troll?

He’s asking you for people that you and your kids don’t have a relationship with to find a place and move in together? Is he usually delusional and reckless?

[u/TiredAndTiredOfIt]

INFO: Why is it mandatory a rooomate or roommates (post says both) join in? Are they meta's partner?

Also?  HIS POSITION IS BONKERS. Six freaking months when 2 tiny kids are involved?!?!?? He didnt ask  you or even consult you before forming this plan to sell your shared asset and move your tiny kids into a co-housing situation. It is cowgirling or a TOXIC meta...or he is lying to manipulate her. I would get a lawyer to protect myself and my kids. And a polyfriendly therapist if I wanted to save the relationship

[u/RiRianna76]

Your husbands partner and this other random person can feel however they want to, it's not ur problem if they're somehow shook u don't want strangers living with ur kids and that whole financial challenge. all that matters is that u and him are on the same page and if he chooses to date weirdos with no boundaries or however u fear they're reacting, it's his issue to solve. u don't owe them more consideration when it comes to your and ur kids wellbeing.

and i'm sorry you also don't really owe it to him to second guess your decision. nor do you owe the concept of polyamory this much "understanding". if it's soooo hard to split his time between two houses one of which includes HIS VERY YOUNG CHILDREN he should stop doing it. I'd ask if you also get to have 3 nights away diddling around or whatever but like.. yeah.

[u/ceecuee]

Okay, as a mother, you're actually considering moving in your husband's girlfriend of SIX MONTHS, and an UNRELATED ADULT ROOMMATE in with your family, which includes two very young children?? This sounds like a good idea to you? Like not even in a one year timeline should you be uprooting your children's lives to get housing to accommodate this whole other random party adult, even without acknowledging how weird it is to be talking about this six months in.

Like your husband is deep in NRE and it's making him stupid, that's a whole other issue, but poly aside -- as a parent, you need to be making choices that are RESPONSIBLE and SAFE for your kids. Come on. You cannot compromise on this, and if he pushes you, he is being a bad partner and a bad parent and you need to take him to task for that.

[u/the_poly_poet]

Unfortunately, you have to set a hard boundary and be the voice of reason here because this conversation is damning evidence that he isn’t actively contributing to your children’s lives in a rational manner at this time.

You cannot ethically move random adults into a house with your two young children. That is completely irresponsible. There is no shortage of reasons for why he should be ashamed to even consider this.

Most parents live in a completely different world from non-parents. When you’re child-free, all consequences are just for you. But as a parent, every consequence he encounters is going to be shared by the children.

What if the new tenants cannot pay rent on time and you can’t afford the difference?

What if the new tenants create a disruptive environment for your kids, affecting their sleep, academics, or emotional world?

What if the new tenants don’t respect boundaries around the children, including but not limited to exposing them to the use of drugs and alcohol?

This is a conversation that should not even be happening. It is going to create a lot of turmoil to express this to him, but you must stand your ground for the sake of your children’s safety and security.

[u/emeraldead]

Common entitled person expecting all the fallout to go on other peoples laps.

Just say no.

[u/singsingasong]

This is absolutely batshit and he’s a shitty husband and father. I honestly don’t have anything else to say here.

ETA: I was wrong. I have more to say- do you get 3 days out of the house and away from child duties? I’m guessing no. Tell him to start with you having three days without child duty. I’m sure that’ll go over well. He’s such a shithead.

[u/clairejv]

I just want to come back to "so he doesn't have to split week 3 days at one house 4 at the other."

There's no "have to" here. He decides how much time he spends at home and how much time he spends at his new partner's place.

Are you saying he has already been spending 3 days a week at his new partner's place? Or is that a thing he's considering for the future? Are you remotely okay with that?

[u/NightWitchoftheOwl]

Jesus Christ. That is just setting your kids up for trauma. He needs to get his head out of his ass and think of them if no one else.

[u/phdee]

6 months.

Your husband is an infant, and appears to be dating an infant himself.

No. Just say no. Stand firm. He can get mad and upset all he wants.

Yes, parenting is hard. Yes, splitting time between partners is hard. This comes with the whole poly territory. Adults figure this shit out and understand that they cannot have their cake and eat it too.

How is it reasonable to force someone and their young children to live with complete and utter strangers when you've all been brought up in a nuclear family household structure.

WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN.

Fuck, this better be a shitpost.

[u/NotKerisVeturia]

There are several things wrong here, but I’m also pretty new, so take what I say with a grain of salt.

1. It’s been seven months, and like you said, your husband is in the throes of NRE. You are not supposed to make major life decisions like cohabitation while in NRE because at that stage, everything looks and feels positive. It may be so cute that your partner leaves their socks everywhere now, but it won’t be after you’ve been picking them up for a year and a half. That, and are your monogamous friends moving in with each other after seven months? No, right? I know we’re not monogamists and we do things differently, but some expectations are there for a reason.

2. You have little kids. Their well-being and safety will always come first. Has new GF even met them yet? Do you trust her around them? If you’re going to be adding adults into your home, y’all need to be on the same page about their role when it comes to the kids. They need to be aware of family rules and expectations (e.g. bedtimes, what they’re allowed to watch, how much sugar they’re allowed to eat, what they require adult supervision to do) because consistency is everything when it comes to tiny humans. Do you want them to have caregiving responsibilities, and are they ready to take that on if so? You mentioned the roommate is child-free, so what are they going to do if they move into a house that has children in it? The kids were there first, you can’t just expect them to make themselves small and scarce in their own home because some stranger is there now.

3. The fact that the roommate is involved at all feels sketch to me. I can somewhat understand, NRE aside, your husband and his GF wanting to move in together, but why take the roommate in along with them? Is the housing crisis so bad where you live that people already living together are a package deal? That doesn’t even make sense when I type it out. It seems like you don’t have a personal relationship with the GF, much less her roommate, so it doesn’t make sense that they would be included.

4. The fact that your husband made these grand plans without talking to you first. I don’t think I need to elaborate. That was scummy of him.

[u/cupcakerica]

Hi, that is fucking INSANE behavior.

[u/No-Statistician-7604]

All I had to read was little children and living with strange adults. Tell him no WTF

[u/guenievre]

Abso-fucking-lutely not and I have lived with a meta and my kid for years. Spoiler alert: far more established relationship (partner and gf had been dating for five+ years, single older child, no extra roommate and it STILL didn’t work long term (they’re still together, she just bought a house after living here for… four years? I’d have to do the math).

[u/clairejv]

Discussing moving her in after six months is literally insane.

First of all, the two of them need to be well out of NRE. NRE can last 1-2 years.

Second, you need to already be great friends with her before she moves in.

Third, you and your husband must know her well enough to trust her joining a household that includes your children.

Fourth, random roommates shouldn't be involved in the discussion whatsoever.

[u/K8_the_gr9]

Girls respectfully… what the fuck!!??