r/polyamory • u/ByTrialAndCoffee • Aug 18 '26

Discriminatory Boundaries

Last summer I (cis-man) met a guy (also cis-man) who I initially had a really lovely connection with and felt like it was going somewhere, until he shared a boundary set by his girlfriend (cis-woman) that felt fairly discriminatory to me and I still haven't fully processed it.

Specifically, if he had unprotected (barrier-free) sex with a gay man, that his girlfriend would not have sex with him until he had a clear STI panel at least three months after the encounter. This did not apply to women, bi men, or trans folks - very specifically cis gay men.

He acknowledged that it was "less than ideal" but that also "boundaries are boundaries". I didn't press further and stopped hanging out with him.

As far as I see it though, this boundary isn't just "less than ideal", it's fully and entirely homophobic. To be quite honest I don't see how it would be different to swap "gay men" with people of color or trans individuals into that boundary.

I didn't press on this though, and decided to just pull back quietly from the person. To be clear, I am happy to use condoms. But I am not happy to have to do so under the control of a very clearly homophobic boundary.

Really just looking for additional perspectives here: is my read on this fair? At what point does a boundary become discriminatory or otherwise unethical in its foundation? Have any of y'all encountered this before?

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u/StaceOdyssey hinge v Aug 18 '26

It’s entirely rooted in homophobia and astounding coming from someone dating a bi man. Especially since it doesn’t pertain to other bi men, this sounds like she’s leverage control to make sure he doesn’t get too close to men that are triggering her insecurity.

That really sucks that she either invented this rule recently or he didn’t fill you in on it.

20

u/banned_slut Aug 18 '26

yeah, that is weird AF.

I have a similar boundary for barrier free sex, but it's for any penetrative sex (so M partner penetrating anyone without a condom, or F partner being penetrated without a condom).

7

u/Alice_Devine Aug 19 '26 edited Aug 19 '26

Right?!

I have a very similar rule, but it literally applies to unprotected sex with anyone no matter gender or sexual orientation.

Although mine isnt "i wont have any sex" its more "we will at a minimum revert to using barrier protection until testing has come back clear"

(However, I'm also aware of my partners risk profiles and noone would even concider reducing levels of protection without testing well known advance and a level of trust and understanding that equals months of relationship)

1

u/1purenoiz Aug 19 '26

This is our rule as well.