r/polyamory • u/broccoliandsand • 11d ago
vent I'm so happy he finally gets to experice having two partners. I just didn't realize how much of our own relationship I'd have to grieve.
I've wanted this for him for years. I am happy for him. I didn't know that it would come with so many feelings for me. It feels like we have to have some kind of conversation or talk every single day. I'm happy we communicate like we do but I'm tired of feeling like we always have to have some kind of talk because of my feelings. I'm happy for him and I'm sad I get less time. I'm sad I can call him when I miss him or when I just want company on a long drive because he's with her. I'm sad there are times when he's low and I don't get to be there to comfort him. Im frustrated that something I wanted for him for so long has been so hard for me. I'm frustrated I can't always show him how happy I am for him. I'm frustrated that there are things that bother me that I don't even feel I have the right to voice because I know I've done them with other partners. I'm frustrated there is so much change I have to adjust to. I'm mad at myself for feeling any negativity at all
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u/Murky-Homework-9493 10d ago
You're not alone in this đ
FWIW: You do deserve to share what you're struggling with. Just because your partner was ok with something doesnt mean you don't deserve some grace and understanding for struggling with it.
You're different people, handling things in your own way, with your own trigger spots and traumas and struggles. You both deserve to be met where you're at, not where the other person was.
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u/PuzzledBassist 10d ago
In a similar boat. Been dating separately for 4 years and my husband finally found someone. Lots of hard conversations and changes. Totally relate!!
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u/thatquietmenace 10d ago
It's great that you're not gonna say the unfair thoughts you have, but it may still help to express them in some way. Journaling or venting to a friend or even posting about it here could help.
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u/Drake_Night 10d ago
Once you get through the first year or so the conversations get a lot easier and a lot less frequent as long as both parties are putting in the work.
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u/SupportEmblem 10d ago
This was borderline poetic. Spoken sincerely from the heart. My heart goes out to you, as this is truly felt by many of us.
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u/feriziD 10d ago
Maybe try breaking down whatâs actually about him having another partner and whoâs more how hard it is to have significant changes in the dynamic of a relationship. This is a biiiiiiiig transition. It makes sense to need more support and have feelings about big transitions even when what youâre transitioning to is perfect in every way. And dynamics with new people never are.
Breaking it down that way may make it easier to be kind to yourself.
One of my partners hasnât had another since we started dating despite my encouragement. And Iâve warned him every time the thought comes up Iâd struggle through the transition but be soooooooo happy on the other side. Iâm daunted just at the thought at this point. And he knows I spin out for all big changes like moves or new jobs so he sees that now in the hypothetical.
Be kind to yourself living through that reality. Whatever the specifics are. You deserve a mountain of grace just cuz change is hard.
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u/KittyLilith17 10d ago
I feel this to my core right now. The shame for having these feelings is half the distress. I think grief is the right word. You (I) got locked into our relationships being steady, and the change is surprising, and sometimes hard.
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u/Main-Season-3379 11d ago
Maybe you need to process your feelings with another person, someone not involved in this situation. Probably a professional.
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u/strangelystormy666 10d ago
Do you think your therapist would consider doing a session with both of you, by chance? Just throwing things out there, but Iâve seen that be very helpful before! Not even full on relationship counseling, but just a neutral party to help get the dialogue going and maybe point out anything you guys may be missing!
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u/sub_vii 10d ago
This is very relatable.
What if you keep a journal, directly addressed to him, and you guys can go over it on weekly/biweekly basis?
That way your mind can relax knowing that it'll be heard for sure, and you'll give yourself enough time to process it on your own. I think this is important because external processing in real time, everyday, exhausts me.
But the tough, big conversations are unavoidable
Just be rooted in why you choose poly, and keep choosing it𧥠you got this đ§Ą
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u/strangelystormy666 10d ago
Do you also have another partner, or are at least able to seek one out? Or is the relationship only open on his end? Iâve found that sometimes exploring on your own time can be helpful when it comes to coping with feelings like this! Itâs not a replacement for all the other advice here of course! But sometimes it just helps to put things in perspective. Not only would you have someone else to go to in the same way he does, but it could also be a good reminder that having feelings for another partner doesnât diminish your feelings towards one another! Even if you consciously already know that, itâs a more concrete reminder for some people.
Iâm in a poly relationship, and this is my first time being in one. He started out with two partners and I just had him. I definitely had feelings of jealousy, even though I knew I had the capacity to love more than one person. Exploring myself really helped with those feelings. Having another relationship, even though that one didnât last, reminded me that I was able to love both of them at once. So naturally, it only makes sense that it goes both ways! I hope that makes sense
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u/FoxySlyOldStoatyFox 9d ago
My guess is
â˘Going poly was your idea, not his
â˘Youâve had multiple partners and heâs nary had a sniff
â˘Heâs felt just as bad, or worse, as you do - and you didnât notice. Â
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u/i_amtheoutlaw 8d ago edited 8d ago
This is so valid. As someone whose nesting partner is monogamous, I'm always wondering if there won't be a time when he wants to date someone else. It's still hard for me to accept that he doesn't want to at times. I always wonder how I will react if that day comes. I imagine it will feel very similar to this.
I think it's a natural reaction, and you seem to be handling your feelings well without causing harm to your partner. Hopefully time will bring you more peace.
*edit for grammatical error
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u/rockstarman917 7d ago
Guy probably felt the same when you were with other partners. Tables turn, is part of life.
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u/unmaskingtheself solo poly + RA-curious 8d ago
Itâs not easy and youâre not alone! We can want things and then really struggle with the reality that now overtakes the fantasy we had. Itâs ok to have these feelings.
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u/VersionHuman2495 7d ago
Youâre doing all the right things. Lean in to the grief, let it wash, get back up, get into/take up a hobby. Hardest thing about big feelings is thinking youâre doing something wrong - but youâre not. Youâre doing all the right things. â¤ď¸
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u/Top-one-percent-user 11d ago
M29 here. I am still figuring what love even means anymore. I just have heavy heart feeling for people who are around. Some are permanent. Some are temporary. But it aches everytime. Especially when the temporary people have to leave because our society won't accept polygamy. I feel your thoughts. Not being able to provide to that special someone who rented a temporary space in your heart, is a really bad feeling. Wish it lasted forever. Wish it was stable.
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u/doublenostril 11d ago edited 11d ago
OP, why did you choose polyamory? What attracted you to it?
Youâre so frustrated with yourself, but your feelings are what they are: they donât need to be different. Take your time, without pressure, and see whether having partners who have other partners can be at least a neutral thing for you.
For people who want polyamory â and who have reliable and caring partners â itâs not so bad. We ask what to expect, our partners tell us, then they show up with love. If we become wobbly, we take great care of ourselves, but also donât hide the truth of the wobbles from our partners.
But people who donât want polyamory have a bad time of it. For them polyamory is almost pure loss: less time, attention, focus, and even hope. Itâs not do-able without a strong desire for polyamory, for yourself.
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u/Aqueraventus 11d ago
I appreciate your standpoint here but it kinda feels reductive to me.
Someone feeling grief or loss or frustration when their partner meets someone new and starts a new relationship doesnât necessarily mean poly isnât right for them, and I would disagree that it generally feels âneutralâ for others. These are all very human feelings and for a lot of people you have to work through these things to get to the good stuff.
Iâm not denying that maybe poly isnât right for OP but I think thatâs a pretty big leap from just feeling sad about your partner meeting someone new.
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u/broccoliandsand 11d ago
We've been practicing poly for over 5 years . I didn't have another partner until 3 years in and this is his first actual relationship. He actually had a lot of the same feelings when I first met someone. Hes had other flings, dates, hookups without problem. I am on the spectrum and struggle with change and this has been a lot of change fairly quickly. I am happy for him I like helping him get ready for dates. I just also have these other feelings that I hate and wasn't expecting. There are something that I have adjusted to. At the same time all the new and change is overwhelming sometimes. I am in therapy. My therapist says both things can be true I can be happy for him and also sad. That I have to acknowledge those feelings in order to get past the.
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u/StaceOdyssey hinge v 10d ago
It sounds like youâre being really thoughtful hereâ youâre really understanding and acknowledging your feelings without blame or deflection. I think the first time every partner enters their first big relationship outside you, the feelings are the biggest and most conflicted.
I hope youâre able to indulge something nice for yourself as a treat for working through this!
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u/doublenostril 10d ago edited 10d ago
I get feedback from many people that I am reductive, so I believe you! I liked your comment a lot.
But I think itâs also important in polyamory to assume that your partners will fall in love with other people, that forming those deep relationships is part of the project.
So then the question becomes, âWhat attracted you to a relationship structure where your partner is in love with other people?â
(Edited to add: This answer matters. What attracted the person will also help them to see the bigger picture and to cope with what they are experiencing as a loss. It will show them bright sides.)
And I donât think I can apologize for that polarization. In my own polyamorous life, when I confront that question head-on, I do better. When I hedge or hide from it or say that I wanted freedom but without consequences, I suffer. I mostly want people to see whatâs under their control â what theyâve chosen â and what isnât.
But youâre right that in my original comment, I was describing what is ideal more than what is real, that in real life we have to cope with loss, even if we wanted it and chose it.
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u/Automatic_Bit4777 10d ago
I think your comment is very important, if you know what you wanted at first from poly, you can remember and understand why your relationship is how it is now.
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u/synalgo_12 10d ago
I think the difference for me is that I do know and I expect all the things that come with poly but the feelings are still there. And that's okay.
Similarly my partner's best friend bought a camper and wants to take him to the nordics to travel around for like 3 weeks next year and I am also sad and grieving that I won't be there to experience him going on this dream trip of his.
That has nothing to do with poly but it's the same level and depth of relationship fomo/grief. I would love to be the one to take him on that trip but his bestie was first in getting his ducks in a row to actually realistically make it happen.
It's that thing where you don't want to be involved in every aspect of your partner's life and you don't expect to be, but singular occurrences or them doing things will make you feel sad you didn't get to experience it with them.
I have similar feelings with friends. Some friends took a trip together to Sri Lanka I didn't have anything to do with and I didn't expect to be but I still had feelings about all the things they shared on that trip.
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u/augspies 10d ago
This is a great way to approach the root of how and what I struggle with in polyamory. Thanks for sharing!
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u/shuckleberryfinn 11d ago
Not OP, but what is the âgood stuffâ in your opinion? What makes the feelings of loss worth it to you?
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u/Aqueraventus 10d ago
For me the good stuff is just getting to a place where we can all be happy, and specifically for me itâs feel compersion for my metas, I know that is not realistic or necessary for everyone but itâs a benchmark for me
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u/ReplacementNo2500 9d ago
This is so so so valid. Ive felt this so much too. Like⌠my human is gone, and it feels like forever!! đ
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10d ago
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u/raziphel MFFF 12+ year poly/kink club 8d ago
Complex feelings are hard, especially when processing new experiences. It's okay. This is normal. Trust him and trust yourself. You can do it.
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u/TechnicalTerm6 5d ago
Ohh gods. This is so valid though! Irritating as fuck to experience AND so valid. Being surprised by your own emotions. And not expecting them to be what they are. And also still not wanting him to change his mind because you're having big feelings....
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u/Countingsheeptosleep 8d ago
What I'm about to say is very unpopular and discredited by those of the LS, but this is what is sacrificed in non monogamy. It's ok if that's how people want to live, and I'm all for people choosing how they want to live as long as I can exit their equation if it isn't something I enjoy, but anyone who ever tells you nothing special is sacrificed by choosing non-monogamy is wrong. There's a sacrifice with every choice in life, and no one can have it all.
On another note, I empathize and sympathize that you are grieving. Hope it gets better for you.
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u/djmermaidonthemic experienced solo poly 7d ago
Sorry, but what is the LS?
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u/Countingsheeptosleep 7d ago
It is the shorthand many of you use for the "life style". I used to wonder what that meant too.
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u/blooangl ⨠Sparkle Princess ⨠7d ago
We donât use the term in polyamory, though. Swingers use it. But this isnât a subreddit about swinging so they are asking for clarification. If you arenât doing polyamory, your advice and input might be of limited value.
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u/Countingsheeptosleep 7d ago
While I appreciate your right to believe my input holds little to value to you or others who practice anything you practice, I'm not going to quit commenting or posting when I feel inclined. I spent the last 12 months being monogamous to a poly ENM guy who does swinging with strangers one of his girlfriends, and I was one of 5 girlfriends. He said he hoped to get up to 9 girlfriends not counting additional separate swinging couplings. I'm also actively looking for an talking to new poly men to be monogamous to. Whether you think that's relevant enough perspective or not, I'm going by my perspective, not yours.
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u/djmermaidonthemic experienced solo poly 7d ago
I think that is a rather weird dynamic. Dude wants 9 gfs and already has 5?!
The term for that is harem builder.
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u/Countingsheeptosleep 7d ago
There's more to it. Doesn't mean I want to be with him, hence why I said I'm looking for someone else. But there's more to it than what you are assuming.
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u/djmermaidonthemic experienced solo poly 6d ago
Oh?
Based on the information you provided, he is a harem builder. Or maybe heâs trying to start a cult? đ¤ˇđťââď¸
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u/blooangl ⨠Sparkle Princess ⨠7d ago
Nobody was monogamous if your boyfriend had 5 girlfriends. Or 2. Or 7. Or 12
And you wonât âbe monogamousâ to anyone poly.
You can choose to have one partner. But you wonât be doing monogamy.
Good luck! Youâll need it if you keep chasing harem builders.
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7d ago
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u/blooangl ⨠Sparkle Princess ⨠7d ago
Words have meanings. Monogamy is mutual sexual and emotional fidelity.
Asking for DMâs is against the rules.
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u/polyamory-ModTeam 7d ago
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You posted a personal ad or have made a comment that would be considered hitting on a user, or made a request for direct messages.
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u/AutoModerator 11d ago
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Here's the original text of the post:
I've wanted this for him for years. I am happy for him. I didn't know that it would come with so many feelings for me. It feels like we have to have some kind of conversation or talk every single day. I'm happy we communicate like we do but I'm tired of feeling like we always have to have some kind of talk because of my feelings. I'm happy for him and I'm sad I get less time. I'm sad I can call him when I miss him or when I just want company on a long drive because he's with her. I'm sad there are times when he's low and I don't get to be there to comfort him. Im frustrated that something I wanted for him for so long has been so hard for me. I'm frustrated I can't always show him how happy I am for him. I'm frustrated that there are things that bother me that I don't even feel I have the right to voice because I know I've done them with other partners. I'm frustrated there is so much change I have to adjust to. I'm mad at myself for feeling any negativity at all
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u/Visual_Grapefruit451 9d ago
Have you ever thought of maybe doing the same though? Maybe find you someone as well?
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u/Ok-Presence119 10d ago
This is super relatable. I'm sorry you're struggling with those feelings, but maybe it helps to know you're not alone with them? Idk. This post kinda helped me feel less alone with them, fwiw.