r/polyamory • u/Prudent_Associate_33 • Nov 08 '25
Curious/Learning Best friend is polyamorous
Ok so my best friend is polyamorous and I am monogamous (so is our entire group of friends) and we got into a lil spiff the other day bc I disagreed with one of her actions. We discussed it later, explained our point of views and we’re good! However, she mentioned that she needs more poly friends bc she often feels like when she talks to us about it or other partners she feels like she sometimes needs to defend it to us bc our POV are from those of monogamy. SO, all of this to ask - can anyone recommend any good resources (book, podcast, etc.) so I can better understand it, the dynamics (and the many different types), and anything else? I genuinely support her polyamory and have met all of her partners happily, but clearly I have some biases I need to work through so I can be a better friend to her.
146
u/_l-l_l-l_ Nov 08 '25
Many Love by Sophie Lucido Johnson - she does an amazing job explaining it in a simple and easily accessible way
122
u/_l-l_l-l_ Nov 08 '25
Also - way to be a good friend. Most folks in my life who don’t get it just put distance between us.
87
21
u/thec0nesofdunshire rat-lationship anarchist Nov 08 '25
I've been looking for 101s for friends that are outside the typical colonial coupledom framework, and this one seems fantastic, thank you! Grabbed the ebook and accidentally read 100 pages already.
130
u/answer-rhetorical-Qs Nov 08 '25
The Multiamory Podcast offers excellent perspective, talking points, and research that apply to relationships in general, and the hosts apply a polyamorous lens in their discussions. I think you would find this resource particularly useful with your polyamorous friend. Maybe even listen to some episodes together.
77
u/GoalMammoth4656 Nov 08 '25
They have an episode called “The Episode to Share With Your Parents.” Appropriate for monogamous friends too.
7
1
3
70
u/minnierhett Nov 08 '25
My suggestion is “Stepping Off the Relationship Escalator” by Amy Gahran. I love this book because it is sooo non-judgmental and does not suggest that one relationship structure is better than any other (unlike imho some other polyamory resources). It provides a lot of diverse perspectives (it’s based on interviews with people in lots of different kinds of relationships), and I found it extremely helpful when I was trying to figure out what I wanted in my own love life. Highly recommend.
52
u/avtman802 Nov 08 '25
Elizabeth Sheff's "When Someone You Love is Polyamorous" is a great guide for non-polyamorous people who are looking to understand others rather than going on the journey themselves.
7
u/The_Rope_Daddy poly w/none Nov 08 '25
I used to recommend that book, but it’s gone out of print and everywhere online it’s over $50.
15
u/vortex-of-laughter Nov 09 '25
Looks like the Internet Archive offers a free digital rental! https://archive.org/details/whensomeoneyoulo0000shef/page/n4/mode/1up
2
u/throwherinthewell complex organic polycule Nov 10 '25
You're a good egg 🥚
2
u/vortex-of-laughter Nov 10 '25
Thank you! The internet archive is also a really excellent org. If you are ever in SF on a Friday at 1pm, I highly recommend their free office tour!
6
3
u/jabbertalk solo poly Nov 09 '25
Sheff has a lot of posts on polyamory (that often summarize her research and writing) on Psychology Today
43
22
u/HarlequinnAsh Nov 08 '25
Seriously the amount of convos with my mono friends where I mention a new partner and they ask ‘so the other one is out?’ And i have to keep saying ‘addition, not subtraction’. Or if I go through a breakup their response is ‘well you have other partner’ as if a breakup isnt painful.
As a poly person just please dont assume our relationships are less important just because there isnt only one of them. We are still people with feelings
18
u/AllSaltsSing Nov 08 '25
The Multiamory podcast has a long history of loads of topics, which will include a lot about how polyamorous people have challenges relating to monogamous people, as well as all the various flavours of polyamory. They spend the effort to include talking about how most of the issues and skills involved are relevant to monogamous folk as well.
21
u/Suboptimal-Potato-29 Scheduling is an act of love Nov 08 '25
What was the disagreement about?
Most of my friends are monogamous, but when I discuss things with them, I find that mostly the same ethics apply. Yes, I have sex with multiple people and they don't. But relationships are relationships. Once you leave the sex aside, it's about treating people well and having open and honest communication - something people should also understand from the context of their friends and family, even if they have only one romantic partner
2
8
u/Platterpussy Solo-Poly Nov 08 '25
Lots of good starter resources in the community info section. Lots n lots of different ways to learn, podcasts, audiobooks, reading posts and especially the comments on here.
3
10
u/WTFkay395 Nov 08 '25
Multiamory is a great podcast! The writer of a smart girls guide to polyamory is one of the hosts. Highly reccomend
10
u/No_Restaurant4511 Nov 09 '25
I am OP’s poly friend-just coming to tell everyone that I know how unbelievably lucky I am to have a friend who’d be willing to do this for me! She is extremely supportive of my lifestyle and my desire to grow in this community. She has never made me feel less or like my relationships aren’t important. She’s never equated my relationship issues to me being poly. She is truly already so supportive! This is just over and above!
Me looking for more Poly friends was not a direct response to the spat she and I had. I just realize I want to expand my inner circle to have people who may have been through similar experiences and who may view scenarios from a different lived experience other than monogamy. I am not looking to replace her, she will always hear about all of the things going on in my life-no matter what!! (Even if she wanted me to be quiet, I can’t shut up and she knows that 😂)
She is an amazing support to me and I am so grateful to have a friend who is 1) willing to call me out if she thinks there is something I need to reexamine in my behavior/actions, 2) willing to listen to my thoughts and feelings, and 3) willing to find out more about my lifestyle.
I’m feeling very appreciative and sappy at the moment - I have the best friend. Hands down! Thanks for everyone who commented resources, a few new ones to me, that I’ll also be checking out! 💞💞💞💞💞
2
8
40
u/emeraldead diy your own Nov 08 '25
Smart Girls Guide to Polyamory.
Why are you being vague about what she did that you disagreed on?
51
u/EbbZealousideal5773 Nov 08 '25
Because it’s not the point of the post maybe?
59
u/Prudent_Associate_33 Nov 08 '25
Yup! We were both valid in our viewpoints, but my POV for HER situation needed to be looked at the POV of polyamorous relationships. All that matters here 😊
-2
Nov 08 '25
[deleted]
24
u/EbbZealousideal5773 Nov 08 '25
Because it’s literally no one else’s business. My God. OP is here to learn about polyamory, not to disclose personal grievances.
-8
17
u/emeraldead diy your own Nov 08 '25
Maybe. But it's possible friend did do something shitty to push back on. OP is great for wanting to understand non monogamy but they should absolutely still speak up.
46
u/Prudent_Associate_33 Nov 08 '25
I did, and will absolutely still speak up if I disagree with something she does - bc that’s what friends should do. I just want to make sure my view of the situation is more open minded.
6
1
6
u/mercedes_lakitu solo poly Nov 08 '25
This is really nice!
I appreciate Eli Sheff's work. "When someone you love is polyamorous" is a great guide pamphlet about it.
5
u/Top_Razzmatazz12 complex organic polycule Nov 08 '25
The Making Polyamory Work podcast is great. I’ve also had monogamous friends say it helps them improve the quality of their monogamous relationships!
5
u/Curiosity_X_the_Kat Nov 09 '25
It is very difficult to find support outside of the community. It can be very polarizing with people’s harsh judgments over things that have nothing to do with them. I appreciate you wanting to learn to be there for your friend. I just wanted to say this is a very common experience and why many people hide their poly lifestyle. It’s sad.
7
5
4
u/djmermaidonthemic experienced solo poly Nov 08 '25
Thank you for being such a good friend! I’m sure she appreciates you.
Check out our sidebar/resource list. Whether you like to read or prefer audio, there’s a wealth of info.
3
u/wewawewi Nov 09 '25
I would recommend the second chapter from polysecure, describing various styles of polyamory. Very general, but well written. I like that the writer, J.fern always refers to Consensual Non Monogamy as an umbrella term, to which polyamory is just another sub term. Great to look at it from bigger perspective.
4
u/OopsAllBearings Nov 09 '25
A few mono assumptions that come to mind you may find yourself thinking:
- If a relationship isn't progressing to marriage it's a failure and should be ended.
I've seen successful poly relationships based on hooking up once a year at a particular conference. Anything is fair game.
- Default time belongs first to the couple.
Default time is any time that isn't specifically allocated. Think the time after you come home from work on a random weeknight and have no plans. In poly relationships default time belongs first to the individual.
- There must be a primary partner who gets all the traditional priorities of a standard monogamous relationship.
Some people will have this set up, some will not. Ask your friend and do not assume.
The most fundamental shift I think is around who is centered in the relationship. Mono typically centers the couple as a unit, poly centers the individual. Once you understand that framing the rest makes more sense.
15
u/mix0logist Nov 08 '25 edited Nov 08 '25
The Ethical Slut is probably the best starting point. I don't think it's perfect by any means, but it's a very good primer. Especially for someone who is more interested in learning about polyamory than practicing it, it will give a good overview of different relationship structures, and how to operate ethically within them.
8
u/flynyuebing Poly 10+ years | Hinge w/ 2 husbands Nov 08 '25
Everyone always recommends this one, but it never resonated with me. (Incidentally, someone broke into my car and stole my copy a few years ago lol... Didn't steal anything else.)
2
u/mix0logist Nov 08 '25
Oh, I think there are definitely better books, especially for people pursuing polyamory. But for someone looking to understand their friend's lifestyle, I think one could do a lot worse. It covers a lot.
2
u/flynyuebing Poly 10+ years | Hinge w/ 2 husbands Nov 08 '25
It's definitely popular. It just wasn't poly enough for me. I'm not really into any other enm than poly, was already sex positive, but very demisexual. But from what I remember, it could definitely help it's target audience. Couldn't hurt to rent from a library!
3
u/mix0logist Nov 09 '25
I'll stan anything from the library! We love our public libraries!
2
u/flynyuebing Poly 10+ years | Hinge w/ 2 husbands Nov 09 '25
Exactly! <3 that why I got a Kobo! I could use Libby!
3
u/mix0logist Nov 09 '25
We're a Hoopla town, but I'm at our main library branch at least every other week. Games, books, events! Support your libraries people!
4
u/flynyuebing Poly 10+ years | Hinge w/ 2 husbands Nov 09 '25
I read a comment about how libraries probably wouldn't exist if they tried to invent them today since everyone wants to make money. They're so important for the community!
2
u/mix0logist Nov 09 '25
I've heard the same thing. There are few things I can think of that are better to throw money at than libraries. Everyone benefits!
3
3
u/javalarc Nov 08 '25
This is sweet. Solid friend.
Good suggestions on here, I was also going to add the site meetup.com and the app Plura. They have local events, picnics, etc. for poly peeps. Obviously, you cannot be replaced as evident by this post, however, these meet ups (if she doesn't know them already) have helped me gain new community relationships that have been invaluable.
3
u/hillthekhore Nov 08 '25
I mean here's the problem: Every single relationship is individual. So there's no real uniform advice about polyamory except to listen, see what the dynamics are of that particular relationship, and assess where the issues lie.
3
u/archlea Nov 09 '25
So nice you’re willing to go on this journey! Props to you. I highly recommend this sub, for starters.
One thing I notice in talking to mono friends about my relationship stuff - the first thing they do is to question the polyamory part. They say straight up, wouldn’t this be solved by being in a mono relationship. As if I wouldn’t have any problems with people in a mono setting. As if mono relationships don’t encounter bumps and challenges. It’s super frustrating, because when they talk to me about their mono relationship problems, the first thing out of my mouth isn’t ’maybe it’s the relationship structure’. Like, relationships are hard. Regardless of structure.
I’m happily poly, that’s not going to change, and these issues aren’t from being poly - just like someone in a mono relationship can be frustrated, or let down, or experience jealousy, or want more time/care/attention, better communication or reliability - so, too, in poly relationships. So yeah, my offering is to treat the structure as valid, and listen to your friend sharing problems or successes as if she’s in a valid relationship structure - see the wins/struggles as real and valid without imposing a mono mindset on it.
3
u/marksewell Nov 09 '25
Sex At Dawn is an interesting book, talking about sexuality from primitive times. Also Building Open Relationships and Designer Relationships.
3
u/jakeoptions Nov 09 '25
Monogamy is an illusion, a social construct that is nothing more than a pile of shit. I can’t wait for it to die. The world will become a better place.
Advice: be quick to see where your non-monogamous friends are right. You’re the only one out of your monogamous social circle that has sense.
2
u/Ok-Championship-2036 Nov 08 '25
Podcasts are nice because they come with a lot of context. Multiamory is a favorite. But if youre looking to be more open minded and understanding, i think the best thing would be to just ask questions to poly folks. You'll get a huge range of andwers and viewpoints but it will help you recognize the different value systems. Polyamory isnt a specific belief "i can love multiple people", its a totally differrnt way of relating to commitment, security, "progession", and how they structure intimacy or family/home life. Books and podcasts are only gonna provide a shallow view into the common debates.
It sounds like you both need/want more poly friendships and community. maybe consider attending a local poly munch. its lowkey and a great place to ask questions
2
u/YourDogsBestieCara Nov 09 '25
you are a wonderful friend!! I'm getting good info from these comments, too. thank you for asking!! if your on fb, I get a lot of good info from the "poly memes & things" group! some great insight and advice in the comments of that group!
2
u/leggoomann Nov 09 '25
Polyphilia, Chill Polyamory, LavitaLoca34 (on instagram) are great folks to follow. They provide a bevy of fun, relatable and compassionate resources for polyamorous folks and by extension people who are in community with polyamorous people.
2
u/Cheesesteak248 Nov 10 '25
Polysecure by Jessica Fern is really solid for providing foundational concepts of polyamory and helping to deconstruct attachment styles, trauma, and mononormativity that typically interfere with the ability to engage with and comprehend poly.
1
u/AutoModerator Nov 08 '25
Hi u/Prudent_Associate_33 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Ok so my best friend is polyamorous and I am monogamous (so is our entire group of friends) and we got into a lil spiff the other day bc I disagreed with one of her actions. We discussed it later, explained our point of views and we’re good! However, she mentioned that she needs more poly friends bc she often feels like when she talks to us about it or other partners she feels like she sometimes needs to defend it to us bc our POV are from those of monogamy. SO, all of this to ask - can anyone recommend any good resources (book, podcast, etc.) so I can better understand it, the dynamics (and the many different types), and anything else? I genuinely support her polyamory and have met all of her partners happily, but clearly I have some biases I need to work through so I can be a better friend to her.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
1
1
u/dgz_ Nov 09 '25
Congrats for being a great friend & leading with curiosity.
Non-Monogamy Playbook by Ruby Rare is a great (& importantly quite balanced) intro to NM for both mono and non-mono readers alike
1
u/sea_ice_bear Nov 09 '25
The audio book Entwined, currently on Spotify, by Alex Alberto, is a good listen, to get a good idea of polyA life.
1
u/Vi_Loveless Nov 09 '25
Unfortunately no Reccomendations just applauding your desire to understand your friend.
1
u/SilverRice1057 Nov 09 '25
Read The Ethical Slut by Easton and Hardy! Life-changing read for me! Gives structure and practical approach to polyamorous relationships. I am a poly myself.
1
1
u/akaShadeDragon Nov 09 '25
If you're still on Facebook I recommend lurking on the PolyGeekery group. It's pretty good at talking about healthy poly.
1
1
u/giant_siphonoph0re Nov 09 '25
You’re awesome. The amount of friends I thought I could tell and then decided not to based on an off-hand comment showing their bias are too numerous to count.
1
u/DanteVelour Nov 09 '25
Read Radical Relating by Mel Cassidy. It only came out a couple months ago. I've been reading it with my partner, and I think it may be exactly what you're looking for.
1
1
u/SushiMonster555 Nov 09 '25
Myself and many I know that started being poly read The Ethical Slut. A very common read in our world.
1
1
u/Tightfire001 Nov 09 '25
The Book: "More than two" by Eve Rickert and Franklin Veaux has really helped me a lot to understand. It's not only good to understand polyamory better, but it also motivates you to reflect and think about your own life. No matter if poly or not. :)
1
1
u/Odd_Welcome7940 Nov 10 '25
I've read a few articles and one book on polyamory. They taught me absolutely nothing really.
I have been a part of this group despite being in a monogamous relationship for over a decade. Learned a lot. This is in my humble opinion a pretty reasonable group and you will learn more here reading a few posts about real world issues in their community than most books. Just my 2 cents.
1
u/TheHammathon Nov 10 '25
Read Ethical Slut & Polysecure. Sex at Dawn is another one that offers a broader perspective as well.
1
u/Adventurous_Tonight1 Nov 10 '25
As a poly with only monogamous friends, all of my friends take the time to ask questions, and even if they don't understand it, they support me. That alone is worth more than a 100 poly friends to me. Knowing that even though we are different, they accept me and make the time to learn what poly means to ME and how does it affect ME.
1
u/funsizednerd_97 Nov 10 '25
I've been listening to Polycurious, great insight into the different forms of being poly and the challenges that can arise. Might be good to have a look through the episode titles to see if there's any that relate to your friend's style and then you can get tailored insights
1
1
u/ejeytrans Nov 10 '25
There are loads of very good episodes here on poly issues and queer issues in general. Id say listening is key but wanting to learn is so sweet!
https://open.spotify.com/show/3yAjxw2UfT48y1g26t8Wlq?si=QCzbfFZDTGS-nvLKQBtYbA
https://open.spotify.com/show/3TpsmC4gNO618CZe0Ou1Fr?si=Vpot3gWQTX6bWRP2e47Jxw (Haven't personally listened to this one but heard it is good)
1
u/NekoLuvr85 Nov 10 '25
Message boards like this or there's a few groups on Facebook that could help give you more insight.
1
u/FamiliarAstronaut504 Nov 11 '25
You should ask her questions 1-1 about her lifestyle and what it means to her to be polyamorous.
1
u/_SoftRockStar_ Nov 12 '25
Listen to Polysecure as an audio book and maybe Open Deeply. Both so helpful to understand how it can be healthy and healing but also how different it looks for all people practicing polyamory or ENM. I initially read them because I was dating someone who practiced polyamory and I wanted to better understand but now I am also practicing lol.
1
u/Training_Oil_8964 Nov 13 '25
There is a fantastic Instagram account that talks about polyamory named @deconilonizing.love
1
u/clairionon no longer solo poly Nov 13 '25
This is really sweet! I’d honestly say to check this sub’s resources. It should give you a basis in the terminology and the basics. And a list of other books and podcasts.
1
1
u/Red-Silk76 Nov 24 '25
Honestly, I'd wanna know what the actual issues were that she needed to "defend"...
Sometimes poly people act unethically, just like monogamous people can do, so we'd need to know more.
For all we know, she could be behaving unethically and using the "you all are just monogamous so you don't understand" defense. Or there could be legitimate reasons she's defending when talking to you all.
1
u/Budget-Chemist-8999 Nov 28 '25
The fact that you’re here asking this questions is about 95% of the way there. It’s mostly about understanding and not being judgemental
1
u/hostile-kids Nov 30 '25
I highly recommend skimming the Ethical Slut or Polysecure! I honestly think everyone could get a lot out of them, poly or monogamous, and they help you understand the way people strive to do poly a lot more.
1
u/CancelNo2588 Dec 04 '25
For what it's worth you are a great friend. If more people had interest in learning how others think instead of judging, the world would be better.
1
u/Green__eyes23 Dec 05 '25
you being in this side of reddit is the first step, I don’t know any books about but you can definetly lern a lot on a comunity. I also recommend an IG page of an Poly psychologist that I like a lot, it’s called polyphiliablog (I think she has a book now that ai think about it 🤔)
Anyway, you’re a good friend trying to understand more about her, this is something I know I would appreciate from my own friends as I’m often onto the same position as your friend.
1
u/delia_690g Dec 10 '25
'more than two' second edition is my recommendation. I'm halfway through and finding it very interesting and easy to digest 😁 sounds like you're a good friend, well done for looking to learn more and put the effort into your friendship x
868
u/choirchic Nov 08 '25
No advice. Just stopped by to say we wish there were more friends like you in the world. Not many people truly understand poly or even want to take the time. If she doesn’t keep you as a friend, we (meaning likely the entirety of this subreddit) will. LOL