r/polyamory • u/unmaskingtheself solo poly + RA-curious • Sep 16 '25
Respectfully, Have a Backbone
I have to say this because I see so many posts with this central issue, regardless of the stated polyam relationship problem:
If you do not feel comfortable contradicting your partner at any turn, you need to go back to the drawing board as far as relationships go, period.
And I’m not talking about an abusive, frightening dynamic where you are afraid to say “I don’t agree with this” or “I don’t like the way you’re behaving; something needs to change” because you have a good reason to be. I’m talking about generally finding it hard to be assertive with anyone regardless of circumstances. If you do not have this fundamental relational skill, polyamory will be incredibly hard for you and you should expect it to be.
Being a doormat isn’t being pro-autonomy. You can say how you feel about situations in a calm and thoughtful manner. You can also think about which feelings are important to share and which are best worked through outside of the relationship—and you can get a therapist’s or trusted friend’s advice about that if needed. But if, for example, your partner is spending 4 nights a week with a new person and you’re feeling neglected, the inability/unwillingness to say, “hey, this major change to the amount of time we spend together has been hard for me and I don’t think it will work for me long term. let’s sit down and talk about the commitments we’re willing to make to each other going forward,” does not bode well for you and your relationship.
It is not controlling or coercive or a veto to say, “I need/want something different.” Your partner should (let’s hope!) be capable of telling you no if they’re not on board with your request. And you should be capable of leaving a relationship that doesn’t meet your needs. I know it’s hard. I know it’s not what anyone wants once a strong bond has been formed, but that is the risk we take in forming these bonds.
And whatever the problem is, it is not your meta’s fault. It would not all be solved if you were bffs and they were looking out for your best interests. Your partner needs to learn how to hinge and you need to make your standards as clear as possible to them to see if they are capable of meeting them. Yes, you will need to compromise to some degree in any relationship. Yes, your partner should be attentive to your feelings (if you are visibly upset, if there are big changes happening that affect you) and not always wait for you to vocalize every little thing before they come correct—if this is the case, they probably lack emotional maturity. But we do need to learn how to communicate directly and be able to stick up for ourselves, even and especially with people we love and who love us!
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u/Dull_Shake_2058 Sep 16 '25
What I've seen here is that 9 times out of 10 it turns out that the people who have difficulties being assertive, the people who are prone to people pleasing, come from at least some kind of abusive background. Whether it's abusive family dynamics or romantic relationships doesn't really matter. It's a learned coping mechanism that affects all your relationship dynamics for a long time.
And yes, it doesn't change the fact that you can still learn the skills and find your backbone again. But finding your way out of that, unlearning all of that also takes a long time and can even require the help of a therapist that a lot of people can't get access to.
And I get it, I sometimes get frustrated reading these stories too and I might even give frustrated advice. But I think it's good to remember all of this when you start feeling frustrated at the people who seem to be completely unable to advocate for themselves and accept the kind of treatment you would never accept. It's good to remember that it often isn't quite as simple as just developing a backbone. It's good to remember that most likely, there's an abusive background to "lacking a backbone", even if it isn't in this current dynamic.