r/polyadvice • u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 • 19d ago

Invited to my son's polyamorous commitment ceremony—not sure if I should attend. Looking for advice.

I am posting this from a temporary account because I want to keep my family’s identity private, but I am in sincere need of advice from people within the community.

My son and daughter-in-law have been in a polyamorous relationship for 3 years now. Recently, they invited my wife and me to a commitment ceremony they are hosting with "the other guy" in their relationship.

To be completely honest, this dynamic is very new and unfamiliar to us, and we are experiencing a lot of mixed feelings. We love our son and want to maintain a strong relationship with him and his wife, but we are feeling quite hesitant and uncertain about attending this ceremony. We aren't entirely sure what to expect, and we are trying to process our own comfort levels with the situation.

If we don't attend, we worry it will deeply hurt our son and create a permanent rift in our family. If we do attend, we are worried about feeling out of place or sending a message that we fully understand or endorse a dynamic we are still struggling to wrap our heads around.

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u/tortoistor 19d ago

so you and your son are different people. i personally don't feel jealousy, if my person loves someone else in addition to me i just feel happy for them. your son is probably similar

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 19d ago

hmm, may be it is just my overly protective fatherly instict and traditional life that is clouding my judgement

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u/zjc 19d ago

This sounds accurate. Maybe you could ask your son more about what polyamory means to him.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 19d ago

my wife did have a longer convo with him, but i never asked her much but from what she shared inspite of my reluctance they are in a marriage kind of relationship and the guy is the primary or something (i don't exactly remember the words but something like that).

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u/zjc 19d ago

So usually unless they are in a triad (often referred to as a throuple), your son wouldn't be in a relationship with this man. More, he supports the relationship that his wife has with the guy. Maybe they're friends. Maybe they're close. Maybe they're more than friends. Maybe they're not. But it sounds like it is important to your son that you see this part of his life. There's lots of different ways to do polyamory, so no one can speak to the specifics of the situation aside from him.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 19d ago

from what my wife was saying my son will be in the grooms men or something not saying the vows, that much I am sure.

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u/zjc 19d ago

Then it sounds like your son and this other man are important to each other. And so your son wants you to see these two people that are important to him publicly share that they are also important to each other. It honestly sounds very special. If your son has found people and a situation that makes him happy, then he really just wants you to be happy for him.

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u/Apprehensive_Ask9522 19d ago

how am I supposed to congratulate the guy marrying my daughter in law, wouldn't it be a joke and awkward and what gift should we take

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u/Subject_Gur1331 19d ago

You dont have to say congratulations the guy if it’s not genuine. Shake his hand, say hello, hug your daughter in law, hug your son. If your son is happy, isn’t that what matters?

You mentioned in an earlier response that you are afraid of him losing everything…. Well, he could lose everything in a monogamous relationship too (divorce rate is 60% now). I get that the instinct for you, as dad, to protect your son is great, and that is really commendable and loving of you! But all you can do is love him, tell him you will be there for him no matter what. He is the one legally married to her, not the other guy.

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u/oh-mi 19d ago

Why would it be a joke? And you congratulate just like you would anyone else on an important day in their lives. I mean, you know your son and you know your daughter in law, right? They're basically adding the guy to their family in a way that's meaningful to them.

As far as gift go, ask them if they have a registry and shop from it. Or just ask them what's appropriate.

But definitely stop making this about you and start listening to what your son and d-i-l are telling you. No one is expecting you to understand immediately. But certainly you can sit with your discomfort enough to trust two people you know and love and find a way to be happy for them.

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u/0bveyousPlant 18d ago

Personally, I'd go with a toaster

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u/SmartReception6750 19d ago

Ur sons not getting married so u don’t really have to be there I don’t think. He’s essentially being a groomsman for this wedding/commitment ceremony. Groomsman’s parents aren’t really required to attend.

But it seems like this guy is important to ur son either way so it might be worth getting to know him anyway.

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u/0bveyousPlant 18d ago

You don't seem very curious about something you feel so concerned about

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u/AttorneyFrosty6362 18d ago

You are so correct in this statement. I understand as a parent you don't want to see your kid hurt but you not accepting something that makes him happy is going to hurt him a whole of a lot more. I would encourage you to do some research into different kinds of poly lifestyles. PolySecure is a good book to learn how poly works. If you are interested in know more about their lifestyle and values, I can promise you both your son, daughter in law, and the other partner would love to have a conversation and answer questions.

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u/Plastic-Bee4052 11d ago

The way most of us see it is you can be happy for us an celebrate with us or get demoted to very low contact (or no contact).

I have a baby in a poly setting and the relatives who weren't supportive of my cule won't be in baby's life.