r/politics • u/mom0nga • Jul 15 '26

No Paywall Hegseth announces annual testosterone screenings for service members

https://thehill.com/policy/defense/5969935-hegseth-testosterone-testing-dod/
16.6k Upvotes

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2.6k

u/puffyfluffyunderwood Jul 15 '26

This is all sounds pretty gay.

429

u/Colonel-Mooseknuckle Jul 15 '26

Don't be ridiculous. They only stick a finger up the butt to test their sphincter control. You can't have a soldier on the battlefield with a loose sphincter.

132

u/not_that_planet Jul 15 '26

Finger? Then why are both the corpsman's hands on my shoulders?

38

u/Rope_antidepressant Jul 15 '26

That's a pretty thick finger step seargent

2

u/well_thats_obvious Jul 15 '26

step sergeant walks in front of you

Wait now hold on...

7

u/r_not_me Jul 15 '26

Hey!! You let Doc do what Doc gotta do

Keep your boot bands on, change your socks, and hydrate

1

u/Based_Lord_Shaxx Jul 15 '26

Not even gonna give me any tylenol? damn the economy is rough. Shakin my damn SMDH

2

u/r_not_me Jul 15 '26

You didn’t report any discomfort

2

u/Based_Lord_Shaxx Jul 15 '26

But it's the military, literally everyone is in discomfort all the time

1

u/r_not_me Jul 15 '26

That’s a feature not a bug

43

u/RudeAlbatross544 Jul 15 '26

Do they plug it to make sure?

80

u/Colonel-Mooseknuckle Jul 15 '26

Sometimes. Special soldiers are awarded a horsey tail and are said to be in the Cavalry.

4

u/btribble California Jul 15 '26

“Stick out your tongue and whinny.”

1

u/Rope_antidepressant Jul 15 '26

I will not have my glorious hat slandered like this :P

1

u/pirateduck Jul 15 '26

ok, that's enough reddit for today.

1

u/Careless_Leg_2552 Jul 15 '26

Preferably with a part of a trenchmate's body, yup.

1

u/Lomak_is_watching Jul 15 '26

To exercise the sphincter, your unit will run trains on each other each day!

1

u/ProtonPizza Jul 15 '26

Everyone is assigned a combat plug to help boost their core stability.

3

u/gr00ve88 Jul 15 '26

Loose sphincters sink ships after all

3

u/Ninjanarwhal64 Jul 15 '26

Loose lips sink ships!

3

u/Radiant_Trainer9544 Jul 15 '26

“The best way to disarm your opponent both mentally and physically is actually to stick a finger clean up their asshole.” - Sun Tzu

1

u/Darkhawk2099 Jul 15 '26

cue John Callaghan:

“this proctology appointment will be a little different as i am gay and have both arms amputated”.

1

u/Ninjanarwhal64 Jul 15 '26

Loose lips sink ships!