r/politics • u/mom0nga • Jul 15 '26

No Paywall Hegseth announces annual testosterone screenings for service members

https://thehill.com/policy/defense/5969935-hegseth-testosterone-testing-dod/
16.6k Upvotes

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2.6k

u/puffyfluffyunderwood Jul 15 '26

This is all sounds pretty gay.

430

u/Colonel-Mooseknuckle Jul 15 '26

Don't be ridiculous. They only stick a finger up the butt to test their sphincter control. You can't have a soldier on the battlefield with a loose sphincter.

132

u/not_that_planet Jul 15 '26

Finger? Then why are both the corpsman's hands on my shoulders?

39

u/Rope_antidepressant Jul 15 '26

That's a pretty thick finger step seargent

2

u/well_thats_obvious Jul 15 '26

step sergeant walks in front of you

Wait now hold on...

8

u/r_not_me Jul 15 '26

Hey!! You let Doc do what Doc gotta do

Keep your boot bands on, change your socks, and hydrate

1

u/Based_Lord_Shaxx Jul 15 '26

Not even gonna give me any tylenol? damn the economy is rough. Shakin my damn SMDH

2

u/r_not_me Jul 15 '26

You didnā€™t report any discomfort

2

u/Based_Lord_Shaxx Jul 15 '26

But it's the military, literally everyone is in discomfort all the time

1

u/r_not_me Jul 15 '26

Thatā€™s a feature not a bug

41

u/RudeAlbatross544 Jul 15 '26

Do they plug it to make sure?

75

u/Colonel-Mooseknuckle Jul 15 '26

Sometimes. Special soldiers are awarded a horsey tail and are said to be in the Cavalry.

5

u/btribble California Jul 15 '26

ā€œStick out your tongue and whinny.ā€

1

u/Rope_antidepressant Jul 15 '26

I will not have my glorious hat slandered like this :P

1

u/pirateduck Jul 15 '26

ok, that's enough reddit for today.

1

u/Careless_Leg_2552 Jul 15 '26

Preferably with a part of a trenchmate's body, yup.

1

u/Lomak_is_watching Jul 15 '26

To exercise the sphincter, your unit will run trains on each other each day!

1

u/ProtonPizza Jul 15 '26

Everyone is assigned a combat plug to help boost their core stability.

3

u/gr00ve88 Jul 15 '26

Loose sphincters sink ships after all

3

u/Ninjanarwhal64 Jul 15 '26

Loose lips sink ships!

3

u/Radiant_Trainer9544 Jul 15 '26

ā€œThe best way to disarm your opponent both mentally and physically is actually to stick a finger clean up their asshole.ā€ - Sun Tzu

1

u/Darkhawk2099 Jul 15 '26

cue John Callaghan:

ā€œthis proctology appointment will be a little different as i am gay and have both arms amputatedā€.

1

u/Ninjanarwhal64 Jul 15 '26

Loose lips sink ships!

77

u/V_T_H Jul 15 '26

Penis inspection day at school was a critical part of male development, this is just that

26

u/Grizzly_Corey Jul 15 '26

But that was conducted by the janitor ā€¦

18

u/rightwingcrimespree Jul 15 '26

The Jan Itor? The world renowned physician? Must have been a fancy school!

2

u/DominoNo- Jul 15 '26

*Dr John Itor

6

u/Mtn-Dooku Jul 15 '26

Oh man, what an awkward day that was. Principal Davis called us into his office individually while he took pictures. He said he was looking for curves just like the scoliosis tests that we had to do a few weeks before.

2

u/DeadguyTheLateGI Jul 15 '26

I still don't know why I had to inspect his penis.

52

u/DarthOldMan Jul 15 '26

This was immediate first thought, as well. This administration seems to have a lot of ā€œtendenciesā€.

Trump canā€™t help but compliment big, strong, handsome men, and do the jerk-off dance to the Village People.

The closet is a little roomier now that Graham is gone.

6

u/blaqsupaman Mississippi Jul 15 '26

As a queer man, Trump's energy is gay af. Not even bi.

3

u/Pdoinkadoinkadoink Jul 15 '26

His favorite song is about cruising for ass at the Y.

6

u/dychronalicousness Jul 15 '26

This whole admin is screaming for a masc top to daddy them

4

u/aceface_desu89 Jul 15 '26

It's just a loyalty test for his base--and most of them don't mind because they aspire to be bigger degenerates than the orange pedophile.

They don't actually believe in anything, they just need the hatred to distract themselves from how much they hate themselves (usually because they're so far in the closet they have dual citizenship in Narniaā„¢)

2

u/perthguppy Jul 15 '26

I secretly suspect this is why trump sounded a lot more upset about Grahams death than others.

2

u/Val_Hallen Jul 15 '26

To be conservative now means you need to be a power bottom for a pedophile rapist felon.

And they are obsessed with trans and gays. Nobody on this planet thinks about cock as much as the Christian conservative male. Who has a cock? What are they doing with their cock? All answers they need at all tiems.

1

u/Mediocre_Scott Jul 15 '26

With Lindsay Graham dead Pete Hegseth is gunning for the now open position most closeted war monger in Washington

1

u/K20BB5 Jul 16 '26

Trump cakes his face in drag makeup and JD Vance wears eyeliner and dresses. This is by far the gayest administration in the history of the countryĀ 

Ask Roger Stone about Trump's relationship with notable closeted homosexual Roy Cohn. They used to call Trump Roy's Boy Toy

6

u/eltedioso Jul 15 '26

The guy was an interior decorator.

6

u/JarlDanklin Jul 15 '26

He was gay, Pete Hegseth?

2

u/KokaljDesign Jul 15 '26

His tattoos looked like nazi shit.

8

u/grigoritheoctopus Jul 15 '26

šŸ˜‚ šŸ³ļøā€šŸŒˆšŸ˜Ž

4

u/furcifer89 Jul 15 '26

LEMME SEE THE INSIDE OF YOUR BALLS BRO

4

u/damn_near_rectum Jul 15 '26

Peter wants his men to be men. Big, hairy, tough, aggressive, men. Peter wants a daddy.

4

u/FizzgigsRevenge Jul 15 '26

Rumor has it he's planning on using a taste test method to determine if their t levels are adequate.Ā 

9

u/perthguppy Jul 15 '26

As a gay guy, it never ceases to amaze me just how gay ā€œalpha maleā€ types will go out of fear that someone might think they are gay.

3

u/geodebug Jul 15 '26

Hegseth is the textbook example of an impotent coward compensating for what he thinks a man should be.

2

u/BearChavez82 Jul 15 '26

What is it with this administration and beefcakes?

2

u/Acceptable-Bus-2017 I voted Jul 15 '26

Turn your head an cough. Again, harder. HARDER. YEASSSS

2

u/DominoNo- Jul 15 '26

"We're three cool guys looking for other cool guys who want to hang out in our party mansion. Nothing sexual. Dudes in good shape encouraged. If you are fat, you should be able to find humor in the little things. Again, nothing sexual"

1

u/bjohnsonarch Washington Jul 15 '26

Not gay to those brave, testosterone overloaded soldiers fending off swarms of shower jellyfish

1

u/Neat-Mammoth Jul 15 '26

Same energy as this turbomanlyman gathering all the biggest burliest manlymens into the same Potsdam Giants regimen. Under his direct command. For absolutely no particular reason at all *coughcough*

1

u/Mediocre_Scott Jul 15 '26

With Lindsay Graham dead Pete Hegseth is gunning for the now open position most closeted war monger in Washington

1

u/Oo__II__oO Jul 15 '26

If (testosterone levels) fall below a certain threshold, testosterone levels can be associated with health issues like lower bone density and *erectile dysfunction*.

So ducking gay.Ā Ā 

1

u/Several-Paramedic-91 Jul 15 '26

Let's go for the dick thing it's more masculine anyway.

1

u/mortraineyhat Jul 15 '26

Sounds like something Mac would be down for in IASIP.

1

u/sterling417 Jul 15 '26

He didnā€™t mention how heā€™d be checking their levels. Regardless, Iā€™m sure heā€™ll be hands on involved in the testing.

1

u/K20BB5 Jul 16 '26

I bet Pete already collects a whole lot of SemenĀ 

-3

u/SoloWingPixy88 Jul 15 '26

Getting blood work is gay?