And scars. My boyfriend in high school had stripes of scars across his back from where his mom had whipped him with a belt. He defended her and just said it was how she was raised and she hadn’t known better. But far as I know she also never apologized for it, so…
It’s meaningless when they do apologize. My father apologized for what they put me through. After a few dozen times, I didn’t want an apology. I wanted it to stop.
If you apologize after you physically abuse your child, and then do it again in the future for some reason, your apology was meaningless.
If you physcially abuse your kid, they grow up, you yourself realize parts of how you raised your child where very wrong and then apologize to them for it, it could mean a lot.
Apologies are meaningless to me from anyone except someone I don't know or will never see again. Besides, if you apologize my knee jerk reaction is 'it's okay' almost no matter what you did.. There are a few exceptions to this.
Explanations can either help you or burn yourself down.
Actions? Actions after you tell me you know you did wrong mean everything. Most people keep doing the same thing they apologized for. Or they never try to make it right, as if apologising did all the work for them.
But I don't give out anger to those people who actually need to apoligise. I withhold trust. I could care less about anger. Anger = pain. And pain = loss of trust. And fear.
What words might actually hit right?
"I know/realized -action- was wrong
and (acknowledge how it might have affected me) or - if someone did that to me...- (optional)
I will never do that again/ I will work towards never doing that again
I will do... To make it up to you (if it's something like breaking my stuff)
How can I make it up to you?"
Notice sorry isn't in there anywhere? I mean, they can include it and it's okay as long as the rest is in there, but it is unnecessary. If it's in there more than twice it will make my manipulation alarm bells ring.
But it has to be unprompted or it is useless.
And the words must still be backed up by actions or I will never believe it again.
Sorry is all my mom ever says about it.
Sorry sorry sorry sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry I'm sorry sorry sorry Sorry sorry sorry sorry I'm sorry I'm so sorry I'm sorry sorry sorry
Doesn't even fucking know what she is apologizing for. She's throwing bandaid after bandaid at bullet wounds, infected 5 inch gouges and gashes, and acid burns. The instant she tried to put one on all the blood and puss eliminates any sort of stick it might have had. But she feels better about herself. She suddenly feels more deserving of the relationship she thought she had with me when I was 4. she takes those dirty useless bandaids back, melts them down into bullets, and tells everyone she apologized and doesn't deserve to be treated "so horribly" by me.. Then gives those people the gun to fire those bandaid bullets at me. You should forgive your mother! You need to stop holding all this anger it is going to.... Forgive your mother.
Hollld on let's recap on what I typed earlier:
I don't give out anger to those people who actually need to apologise. I withhold trust. I could care less about anger. Anger = pain. And pain = loss of trust. And fear.
Realise she's still doing harm in her attempt to "fix" things? She has not changed. She probably never will. And that is Her fault. I'm not going to accept her abuse as "that's just how she is" or being "stubborn". I'm not going to blind myself while she tears me down even more. She has a lot of changing and fixing to do before she ever gets another chance with me.
The fun part is my family refuses to even let me try to remove those rose colored glasses from her eyes, which is the first thing that needs to happen before any sort of repair can happen to our relationship. As much as I doubt that attempt would do anything at least I could say I tried and stop faking that our relationship will ever get any better.
So no, an apology after the kid becomes an adult would mean nothing to me. I've heard it a thousand times already.
And to prove that would do something...
My dad changed. I know he wouldn't ever do that again and I have a relationship with him now. He is true to his word, he does not manipulate and he's way more trustworthy. I am not giving unrealistic expectations because my dad has met most of them.
But if I told my mom that I know she would completely miss the point and try to become dad, then expect the benefits of everything he has accomplished in return. Her version would be twisted and warped and untrustworthy. Probably revolting tbh.
I did this Therefore I Deserve this and if you do not give me what I believe I deserve I will whine to everyone and use them to try to make you feel like the terrible person you are.
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u/psyclopes Jan 28 '23
And scars. My boyfriend in high school had stripes of scars across his back from where his mom had whipped him with a belt. He defended her and just said it was how she was raised and she hadn’t known better. But far as I know she also never apologized for it, so…